tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53275473321725521442024-03-05T22:38:17.947-05:00a day in the life of piano monkeypiano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.comBlogger554125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-5052841790605822122021-02-15T18:09:00.002-05:002021-02-15T18:09:35.796-05:00black garlic making<p>so in january, i decided that i am buying a toy. i was initially looking at a dehydrator, used, under 40. <br />this proved to be quite difficult- it seems that all the decent dehydrators for decent prices were all sold out and just wasnt available anywhere in the used item market-<br /><br />i blame the legalization for 420.<br />pot became regal in canada on 17 october 2018, and with a little bit of time, i think many people are now on the dank tomato bandwagon, growing stuff in tin-foiled closets- <br /><br />i support this hypothesis with abundance of advertisement about 'serious' growing lights and portable hot house kits that all the sudden started to appear in the city. then i started to hear people talk about home crop. then i realized that many would now have good production going on, a good year and some later, and probably wants to dry some for 'sharing.'<br /><br />long story short, in search of kitchen toys, i ran into a good priced <a href="https://www.seriouseats.com/2016/01/first-thing-to-cook-with-sous-vide-immersion-circulator-essential-recipes.html">sous-vide</a>: the meat jacuzzi. it keeps a water bath at a constant temperature, and you sink raw food in sealed bag, and let it cook through gentle heat in non-hurry.<br /><br />and me being me, i dont eat a lot of meat to begin with. so i started to look for ways to use it for weirder things.<br /><br />and then i stumbled into local auction sites, and realized that i could also get a great dehydrator: a 9-tiered <a href="https://excaliburdehydrator.com/products/excalibur-9-tray-no-timer-solid-door-black?variant=31260242051204">excaliber</a>. i had a budget in mind in everything, but the heat of the auction was too enticing, and i ended up overspending by 20 and then ended up owning this big black dry box as well.<br /><br /></p><p>so what to make: <br />then i ran into <a href="https://www.thespruceeats.com/black-garlic-4165384">black garlic</a>.<br />basically, garlic cooked over gentle heat over a long period of time. <br />everyone said it's quite passive to make: just stick garlic in, make sure that it's off the metal surface to prevent burning, and plug it on for 3 weeks on 'keep warm.'<br /><br />after reading some obscure sites, i decided on trying it out with sous-vide and dehydrator.<br /><br />so:<br />06 Feb 2020:<br />bought garlic. stupidly unpeeled. so had to peel them. gah.<br />then two bags of raw garlic went into sous vide @ 168'F for 48 hours.<br />why 48 hrs? why not. things usually release some moisture, so i thought i would see how much moisture would be released, ad what it does to the texture.</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHorfvOZ0NAEBoRdniGSic6b4THGK86-uF6delgNeSiDCO2TBsCD8goFKwKCBmF7FK578KHZu0sGJCbP4bRSDwikZcaFlgO0qHVVuFMuCl4AcChGb9MHVJw9z4TrmZXtze1_29ngnmJW0/s4032/PXL_20210207_023309300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHorfvOZ0NAEBoRdniGSic6b4THGK86-uF6delgNeSiDCO2TBsCD8goFKwKCBmF7FK578KHZu0sGJCbP4bRSDwikZcaFlgO0qHVVuFMuCl4AcChGb9MHVJw9z4TrmZXtze1_29ngnmJW0/w240-h320/PXL_20210207_023309300.jpg" width="240" /></a></p><p>07 Feb 2020: <br />woke up to strong smell of garlic. somehow, they spoke through their bags UNDER water. amazing.<br />turned on all the fans and opened the window. <br />24 hrs later: the garlic are noticeably brown, and it is quite wet. both bags. so that's not about leaky bags. i stuck both bags back in the bath.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZr_jsd4y3tcReeJZJ7YycMistpw2mV2FHpD9uToPtcP-4n6hBCmZskixBXLNShTvLpntn3FjPC6l4HbktPxAdSFDMobGBEseP1XidPqnSfl7RqFklUht0-mCTUn6NRF42bW8D0ySLmRo/s4032/PXL_20210207_204007409.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZr_jsd4y3tcReeJZJ7YycMistpw2mV2FHpD9uToPtcP-4n6hBCmZskixBXLNShTvLpntn3FjPC6l4HbktPxAdSFDMobGBEseP1XidPqnSfl7RqFklUht0-mCTUn6NRF42bW8D0ySLmRo/s320/PXL_20210207_204007409.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFYG5kE0xq8TjsJYz-duDsk4yWkOC6mXxrNSAUz21hBIo8uSWDrFZ1YTdO1P_7bZKucsbqFnDaTS26bR1ZVtDQlNbbgBwxpikYKJdMI4CXXitFwiapQjW0JVBv3vQjRPPRVW1UuCcWfNk/s4032/PXL_20210207_212049147.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFYG5kE0xq8TjsJYz-duDsk4yWkOC6mXxrNSAUz21hBIo8uSWDrFZ1YTdO1P_7bZKucsbqFnDaTS26bR1ZVtDQlNbbgBwxpikYKJdMI4CXXitFwiapQjW0JVBv3vQjRPPRVW1UuCcWfNk/s320/PXL_20210207_212049147.jpg" /></a></p><p><br /></p><p>08 Feb 2020:<br />still quite pungent in the house. went out and picked up three air sponges. they were kept open in the kitchen from this point on. cant really tell if it helped.<br />at end of 48 hours, i took it out, drained the 'juices' into a bottle (it turned into a garlic jelly when cooled. planning to use it as wet seasoning for other things), and put these brown garlics into dehydrator at 'veg' setting for 24 hours. housemate is being a saint. he's letting it happen despite the permeation of all that is garlic into the entire apartment. texture is totally soft, so trying not to crush/smear them...</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxNHX5wBxcS-lOPiBFvhEC3qlFWTzob_oL8MgYyNKinjcvCXyLmaKU3P_-H4KQY_12brNZQbvCbntpmiW3NLdAqObTCUaxxbqTeiEKD6MglGmSta2q5Cz18_6NXCxT8TIhHAGMVXkxyJk/s4032/PXL_20210208_183449304.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxNHX5wBxcS-lOPiBFvhEC3qlFWTzob_oL8MgYyNKinjcvCXyLmaKU3P_-H4KQY_12brNZQbvCbntpmiW3NLdAqObTCUaxxbqTeiEKD6MglGmSta2q5Cz18_6NXCxT8TIhHAGMVXkxyJk/s320/PXL_20210208_183449304.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglPvCYPsrSShKmARUwwUW2lgf-u9NYcD8nemQfJ_O18STyEywPyEFzOKUQ4yPo8i540NLtIkckKujQ2XCz1d5EQMuMkZWmga4rFXWcDgFoVlhe9flXOfN1yFzafakSdUH72_mPaxhvTQw/s4032/PXL_20210208_175640123.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglPvCYPsrSShKmARUwwUW2lgf-u9NYcD8nemQfJ_O18STyEywPyEFzOKUQ4yPo8i540NLtIkckKujQ2XCz1d5EQMuMkZWmga4rFXWcDgFoVlhe9flXOfN1yFzafakSdUH72_mPaxhvTQw/s320/PXL_20210208_175640123.jpg" /></a><br /><br /></p><p>09 Feb 2020:<br />decided that it looked dry enough, so back to the sous vide. for whatever hours. the garlics are now dark-ish milk-chocolate brown. tasted one, and it's jut about 25% sharp. so it needs more time. fine. even after drying, it's quite soft. </p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJilVp1RIEgXdSgTT1T2kOy8DmqJJAbHcWWp9_IS1M8zhO5FHpYPzi3f7FdUXzq7p9WB3EaSJRSUqABsP1Pg0xRiHAoe4eXeh81Wdvv6AQ7Bo_rorq1BajXqEWm52CBYwJ92Ljd8HNlYQ/s4032/PXL_20210209_131009315.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJilVp1RIEgXdSgTT1T2kOy8DmqJJAbHcWWp9_IS1M8zhO5FHpYPzi3f7FdUXzq7p9WB3EaSJRSUqABsP1Pg0xRiHAoe4eXeh81Wdvv6AQ7Bo_rorq1BajXqEWm52CBYwJ92Ljd8HNlYQ/s320/PXL_20210209_131009315.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheNgG-2JylMH1d2c6w1NqJUTt8OcGSZpVb4SNJrAOP4mSvo08UZW39asrN3_MAGKJn8Q2HP1_V7-VmegG3bY4NpucxmLRnJ1hRxyGyjWqh0TTemlGlWvQSeiLH4LmXAups2G7O35yj0pc/s4032/PXL_20210209_225124025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheNgG-2JylMH1d2c6w1NqJUTt8OcGSZpVb4SNJrAOP4mSvo08UZW39asrN3_MAGKJn8Q2HP1_V7-VmegG3bY4NpucxmLRnJ1hRxyGyjWqh0TTemlGlWvQSeiLH4LmXAups2G7O35yj0pc/s320/PXL_20210209_225124025.jpg" /></a></p><p><br /></p><p>10 Feb 2020:<br />even after all that, still quite smelly. amazing. but they are getting darker. quite soft as well.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcRxn2S6yoUbIM0CwH_9oKhWlH3jIKdXAF7i4iSTRE0-cZSR1hFpEovatI-aRLzhq85576BLfS2rSPBC2f-j1S6-QX6kC4TFAmyDrf_eR5YGgPxqfZkuPtRODQMCFuWyBQrWwLYKOzuqM/s4032/PXL_20210210_133341569.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcRxn2S6yoUbIM0CwH_9oKhWlH3jIKdXAF7i4iSTRE0-cZSR1hFpEovatI-aRLzhq85576BLfS2rSPBC2f-j1S6-QX6kC4TFAmyDrf_eR5YGgPxqfZkuPtRODQMCFuWyBQrWwLYKOzuqM/s320/PXL_20210210_133341569.jpg" /></a></p><p><br /></p><p>11 Feb 2020: <br />impatient me decided that it looks black enough. so back to the dehydrator. <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcMSk14rMUL_Y3K8WEaE9CUOpfxes1aSFextoapFp6JysACeMT4nuyrn7PBZeFMCdQxllN31vVeZO9FkkYYROEeX814UX1CtdzCFe_22B9DOY26aOLv2OKnf3327yT2Ux5r44_no_41Y/s4032/PXL_20210211_165717877.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcMSk14rMUL_Y3K8WEaE9CUOpfxes1aSFextoapFp6JysACeMT4nuyrn7PBZeFMCdQxllN31vVeZO9FkkYYROEeX814UX1CtdzCFe_22B9DOY26aOLv2OKnf3327yT2Ux5r44_no_41Y/s320/PXL_20210211_165717877.jpg" /></a></p><p>12 Feb 2020:<br />decided to pack a few for a friend who was swinging into the city for a short errands trip. chewed on one, it's still a bit kicking. it's mellowed out a lot. for cooking or dropping them into stew would be great. or even into rice/other hot starches. rest, back into sous vide, the temp is kept constant at 168'f.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhUYgUFQUnWpW7flBtgJKiH1YvpI-369F5IO-x5F9Qk9xwAxvspNa83rVvqSjwm6Ojzr7TbkJJm7Bnl-pBgW1r0kG32dIMT0vDNCy8wfvNKuyTpQkMpcq2K_2i_nZN-GpALHErKd0BGE4/s3567/PXL_20210212_195037959%257E2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3567" data-original-width="2673" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhUYgUFQUnWpW7flBtgJKiH1YvpI-369F5IO-x5F9Qk9xwAxvspNa83rVvqSjwm6Ojzr7TbkJJm7Bnl-pBgW1r0kG32dIMT0vDNCy8wfvNKuyTpQkMpcq2K_2i_nZN-GpALHErKd0BGE4/s320/PXL_20210212_195037959%257E2.jpg" /></a></p><p><br /></p><p>13 Feb 2020:<br />actually left it alone.<br />halleluija.</p><p>14 Feb 2020:<br />momdad were going to drop by. so decided to take them out of the sous-vide. they really are black now, and quite hard. one of the bags somehow lost its seal slightly, so that's just a bit 'boiled brown garlic.' darn it. but the intact bag had sticky, dry-ish (bit like really unruly dates?), sweet black garlic.<br />and decided that it's enough faff. couldve kept them in for a bit longer i think.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9RFBE6tRkDv43XQEkWkOkiiXKSa6iDEwoQcvN5twq8mLbm52wZOG1GBfG9qSXuOT7rOcvSPls0LhYXvYCFtE25vTyRrgah4gM-41w8wd463wWK9bjI4z8_6Byhj3EO4WicesG8deORj8/s4032/PXL_20210215_005944009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9RFBE6tRkDv43XQEkWkOkiiXKSa6iDEwoQcvN5twq8mLbm52wZOG1GBfG9qSXuOT7rOcvSPls0LhYXvYCFtE25vTyRrgah4gM-41w8wd463wWK9bjI4z8_6Byhj3EO4WicesG8deORj8/s320/PXL_20210215_005944009.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRpVksjRuN_lXSLnjgwfoE2agZXcE7LWyp_EQWDYr6EHxmU3sRHgLMEFkVsKms_PPhQzPtTmFYmVenmU8jeNAeVjbpZH99y1TaH5F68MDd0T6mP4AlIuGuR7IBqnAvzi3y4XW5_2BlaQQ/s4032/PXL_20210215_010418015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRpVksjRuN_lXSLnjgwfoE2agZXcE7LWyp_EQWDYr6EHxmU3sRHgLMEFkVsKms_PPhQzPtTmFYmVenmU8jeNAeVjbpZH99y1TaH5F68MDd0T6mP4AlIuGuR7IBqnAvzi3y4XW5_2BlaQQ/s320/PXL_20210215_010418015.jpg" /></a></p><p>****<br />so there it was. black garlic.<br />personal notes: may be i would drop the temp a bit, may be... 155? the number 167'f came from another experimenter's note. but at 155'f, it would need to stay a bit longer i think. the two stages of dehydrating is essential to keep some shape for these garlics. the house smells despite of the double barriers- bags, and the water. that is amazing.<br /><br /></p><p>so there it was, a proper faff. i suppose a week is much faster than 3 weeks, and this shall go down as the first serious kitchen experiment in a good while. <br />go make some!</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><p><br /></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-78328610558578224402020-12-31T19:25:00.003-05:002021-01-01T00:38:34.891-05:00last sundown, 2020<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXeE2HkMRYlm35hsq-wU6tgrV-kGfLtrPzSCn6tPD1A0Wi2f0WIbN0bOJ6j_0PTDe3475aNyy1zk6kYLee20ixNlnyuHj2X44RHlf-5SjVom0DR9hWmk8ho1WGqqu06vBAeiFhretz-M4/s3842/PXL_20201231_222757037.NIGHT.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2158" data-original-width="3842" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXeE2HkMRYlm35hsq-wU6tgrV-kGfLtrPzSCn6tPD1A0Wi2f0WIbN0bOJ6j_0PTDe3475aNyy1zk6kYLee20ixNlnyuHj2X44RHlf-5SjVom0DR9hWmk8ho1WGqqu06vBAeiFhretz-M4/s320/PXL_20201231_222757037.NIGHT.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br />this year's been weird.<br />bizarre enough that everyone lost something. </p><p>an abstract loss- of perceived sense of freedom, of certain projected future,<br /><br />or a definitive, objective loss- of self-identity, jobs and careers, routines and loved ones,<br /><br />or loss that is so vast that it cannot be defined just yet, because it IS still ongoing,<br /><br />this may be the first thing to agree in 2021- that we all lost (something) in 2020. of course, like mushrooms that come up during the cusp of fall and winter, more thoughts will come up, post-2020. and yes, there'll be positives too. </p><p>im not downplaying the silver lining. </p><p>just that it's okay to grieve if you are grieving.</p><p>my heart goes out to people who lost, and are in process of losing- whatever it may be, whoever it may be-<br /><br />i have one fewer person to greet tomorrow, 01 january 2021, than a year ago.<br />as i may make myself a ricecake soup- a korean traditional tteokguk, signifying-<br />a year older.<br />a year gone.<br />both negatives and positives.<br />and everything inbetween.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-53497578605745355582020-12-03T15:22:00.003-05:002020-12-03T15:22:34.788-05:00hows yer crew? and your money? and trust?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0y5esCpVrvVJ5F4ERZZe9OMhQfR33nAN0FWoyBYnY2k3amEBWyyil-627Rl3VDP7mEVo06FN52TdxdK91oXmL-LI7ugYFyTZyCuljnfi5Bco10zJi_awl9FxmxtfmmQOBxIpzHvacwl4/s300/money-moves-2-300x183.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0y5esCpVrvVJ5F4ERZZe9OMhQfR33nAN0FWoyBYnY2k3amEBWyyil-627Rl3VDP7mEVo06FN52TdxdK91oXmL-LI7ugYFyTZyCuljnfi5Bco10zJi_awl9FxmxtfmmQOBxIpzHvacwl4/s0/money-moves-2-300x183.png" /></a></div><p>so my parents are in process of moving part of their money to my credit union.<br />my dad's been suspecting that sometimes, professionals who work for immigrant communities exclusively, are often too comfortable with clients' trust (and their limited resources for fact-check things in second/third language), and that leads to missed details, etc.<br /><br />so though moving their $ to my cu would mean free running around for them (by me), i thought at least i should do this for them. *remind me that i did say yes, i would help, cuz i think i prob swear about that at some future point HA HA HA.</p><p>and so dad's things' in transit, and we were to look into mom (as she missed in-person appt due to back problem); and then suddenly, a text from my $ manager: hey can i call? okay, sure! <br /></p><p>first thing he says: hey im sorry<br />me: what? huh? what happened?<br /><br />he then explains that cu just recently got on with upcoming promo where rrsps being transferred will be eligible for 1% bonus starting 2021 jan. and he's sorry that he didnt know about it before, and so dad wont get the bonus, but if we can wait to transfer mom's, she will get some free monies.<br /><br />i was laughing.<br /><br />in case you havent heard (probably not), this is what sometimes happens in smaller communties:<br /><a href="https://globalnews.ca/news/7465223/90-year-old-rbc-client-60k-fraud-advisor/">https://globalnews.ca/news/7465223/90-year-old-rbc-client-60k-fraud-advisor/</a><br /><a href="https://www.koreatimes.net/ArticleViewer/Article/134455">https://www.koreatimes.net/ArticleViewer/Article/134455</a><br /><a href="https://www.koreatimes.net/ArticleViewer/Article/134176">https://www.koreatimes.net/ArticleViewer/Article/134176</a><br /><br />yep. the manager dude stole 60,000 from his client. probably banked on the fact the lady was <br />prob not into checking her financial details due to her age and possible language barrier. this particular mr shin has served several hundreds korean client files for past 18 years.<br />this is bad.<br /><br />so dad's not off the mark. </p><p>but to hear from my dude and that the first thing he says is that he's sorry dad wont get the bonus, as he simply got the promo notice now, <br /><br />now, that's an entirely different thing.<br /><br />i know many people who are getting into robo-advisory and do-it-yer-self investments and stuff. i dont have anything against that. my feeling is that if there are pros, and trustworthy ones at that, i am happy to give them my business. my first $ person, margaret, who moved to branch closer to home, has set me up so well- i never questioned her ability or more importantly, her personal interest in me doing well.<br /><br />so when she left and said i should try my current $ dude, i said yeah sure. and then she said: if you feel iffy, just let me know, and i will continue to find a person you can trust, or i will look into continuing your file.<br /><br />these are the kind of relationships that we can foster in our lives.<br />and i am so glad that i have few selected people who i can trust implicitly. and this is the wealth i create.<br /><br />anyhow, here's my thoughts on that short call. i called dad and he said: your dude is sorry? why? im like- well cuz she's the one whos getting the bonus, but not you. <br />dad: that's like... crazy. it's not his fault!<br />me: well, there you go. nice guy. he didnt have to say ANYTHING.<br />dad's now entertained. and i hope that puts his mind at ease. and hers. <br />and that bonus $.<br /><br />things can be so different- with people. can you trust them? are you trustworthy? are we clear? <br /><br />if you want bank referrals, let me know HA HA HA.<br /><br /><br /></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-73359363246199545192020-11-07T08:38:00.004-05:002020-11-07T08:50:12.955-05:00termination and continuation<div>they say: 21/90.</div><div>takes 21 days to freshly form a habit, and additional 90 days to make it a life change.</div><div><br /></div><div>15124.</div><div><br /></div><div>days with granny.</div><div><br /></div><div>last night, i flash thought: should call her. havent called her in awhile.</div><div>then flash reaction: that is no longer necessary.</div><div><br /></div><div>8.</div><div><br /></div><div>days since she's left.</div><div><br /></div><div>most of the time, it takes much time to unlearn a 'thing,' whatever it is. and sometimes, it is quite impossible. i still think of texting gabe at times. i guess i will still think of calling granny for awhile.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYshWchoVV9HdqXXv9_8kiF6G-pB1P6ur3rMhyphenhyphenPlXVSMzeNxACRMwDbNZvVpeCmMVnqkFi-fYIJaFk_o7Q_s4_V15JiVp8T1A31STotGXfKi7kL3KtdBwzQFSzz4CNslxYHenAIGkZdbk/s3700/original_c127fc6f-7965-4b78-8c65-de975bb563ce_PXL_20201105_114026703.NIGHT.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2773" data-original-width="3700" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYshWchoVV9HdqXXv9_8kiF6G-pB1P6ur3rMhyphenhyphenPlXVSMzeNxACRMwDbNZvVpeCmMVnqkFi-fYIJaFk_o7Q_s4_V15JiVp8T1A31STotGXfKi7kL3KtdBwzQFSzz4CNslxYHenAIGkZdbk/w400-h300/original_c127fc6f-7965-4b78-8c65-de975bb563ce_PXL_20201105_114026703.NIGHT.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>expectations help us build a frame in our minds.</div><div>and we hold onto those expectations, because what we know is just what we think we know, especially in the matters of life. it's nice to have contrary stuff, just to peg things into place, as our minds wander, make stuff up, and justifies everything without even a slight consultation with consciousness.</div><div><br /></div><div>then-</div><div>we adjust.</div><div>we all do.</div><div>sometimes we resist. </div><div>sometimes we just dont know.</div><div><br /></div><div>i will find out, how this is all going to turn out. having the luxury of memory gives me certain freedom. and with such freedom, i look into another day and i am happy that feelings, especially new ones, will stick, somewhere in my mind. and it will become another part of me. tree barks.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOUAJanooxIr668VDOOIc-BpqA-0HS9fhbaNmHBSH56iciHxpcdcpoVcfjAthsr7mh3QA9g4um1rwD_hONoHDdMKBiAbOmzP3G95uoq87fqR06UfQnST-cZuej1A-k6hNJhdrb-2V5iH4/s1440/123414981_10224533200423496_1958938380840264545_o.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOUAJanooxIr668VDOOIc-BpqA-0HS9fhbaNmHBSH56iciHxpcdcpoVcfjAthsr7mh3QA9g4um1rwD_hONoHDdMKBiAbOmzP3G95uoq87fqR06UfQnST-cZuej1A-k6hNJhdrb-2V5iH4/w400-h400/123414981_10224533200423496_1958938380840264545_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>i am not sad.</div><div>i am simply learning anew.</div><div>i am glad that it is possible to continue from a point of termination.</div><div><br /></div><div>thanks to everyone's kind words in the last few wks. it's been lovely to think of this world as web of thoughts, connecting still, despite of distance of time and space. and when one connection breaks, the other connections, gossamer thin, can still hold us up. we dont float. we hold on. </div><div><br /></div><div>and i appreciate it.</div><div><br /></div><div>good day for everyone,</div><div>as the sun is high, and the day is filling up with small noise.</div><div>thank you.</div><div>for the past days. </div><div>for today.</div><div>and for upcoming days,</div><div><br /></div><div>where thoughts may hold us together,</div><div>close and afar, whatever that standard may be.</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="https://youtu.be/pze4NxCOjg0">https://youtu.be/pze4NxCOjg0</a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-81428505513616128922020-10-29T23:52:00.018-04:002020-10-30T12:15:34.621-04:00goodbye day<p>i went to see her early today and one of the things i asked was:<br />when i grow up, what kind of person would you like me to be?<br />she said: of course, you are already good, but you could work hard to become super-famous pianist and be gentle-hearted.<br />i said: you cant really be gentle-hearted and powerful at the same time (chuckle)<br />she said: really? i see...<br />i said: pick one!<br />she said: then.... be the very best gentle-hearted person you can be.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqK1R_cU2X6ZdMOFFR8N2BzolF5ymFxHMPBX3d813A989c6VguLvCbhQw6LJgfesXLkuHdBsiPC4Vs6A9YgFBWcrNItN7L0zL2ZS_I_ijrfnExO2AShBRcQYCPHMwzJtHjSnsE99kCg-4/s3734/PXL_20201030_024505051.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3734" data-original-width="2501" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqK1R_cU2X6ZdMOFFR8N2BzolF5ymFxHMPBX3d813A989c6VguLvCbhQw6LJgfesXLkuHdBsiPC4Vs6A9YgFBWcrNItN7L0zL2ZS_I_ijrfnExO2AShBRcQYCPHMwzJtHjSnsE99kCg-4/s320/PXL_20201030_024505051.jpg" /></a></div><p>i was going to return tomorrow morning early at 8am, so i can get some work done later in the day.<br /><br /><br /></p><p>at 6pm, i put on mahler 9th and felt restless.<br />so i decided to take a bath.<br />while the water ran, i debated whether i should go back to see her then. out of a blue. a dense nudge in the heart.<br />i did not. but i did search for 'how to give bath to seniors.' thought it would be nice to give her a bath, if possible- i bet she hasnt had one in awhile, and she used to love it.</p><p><br /></p><p>then around 8, mom called.<br />the universe as i known it, shattered itself in a short sentence.<br /><br />'cecilia, granny's gone.'</p><p>i took the subway and met momdad and got to her home.<br />i helped to pack her into a bag, to her last stop, to funeral home.<br />they think may be, around 6-630 or so, she just left. <br />and left us a small feather.</p><p><br /></p><p>the roses from this morning, among with other flowers, were still all so bright and happy. ive been trimming them every day, changing water, feed it some plant food. and while i was in bath, she left. quietly. at her home, everyone they thought she was asleep (shes been going in and out of sleep recently).</p><p><br /></p><p>she also told me this morning: i think i will go soon.<br />i said: yes. i think you will. till then, at least know that you are loved. i love you the most.<br />she said: and i love you. the most.</p><p><br /></p><p>and now, it's already history.<br /><br /><br /></p><p>and i just need to be that very best gentle-hearted person.<br />she's given me 7 days, to practice being gentle-hearted.<br />a full week.<br />for those 7 days, every time i went to see her, she was alert and clear minded.<br />then to nothing.</p><p><br />you held me when i came.<br />i held you when you left.<br />i love you.<br />till end of my time.<br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6O1Afes-S42FAcagO3Ns3QWRWF3ROa8ra2bEmQv0JAGXD-AumHOPYjUZ54KdI_vEHx2SkFRIozKoPAiiBpZ5W0BsNNP7ytwRUXV8UAF_QvGxgisIVgg7mAaaRf6BL0igX-8B-rn3Pldo/s720/26884_1388656242429_1345419_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="719" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6O1Afes-S42FAcagO3Ns3QWRWF3ROa8ra2bEmQv0JAGXD-AumHOPYjUZ54KdI_vEHx2SkFRIozKoPAiiBpZ5W0BsNNP7ytwRUXV8UAF_QvGxgisIVgg7mAaaRf6BL0igX-8B-rn3Pldo/s320/26884_1388656242429_1345419_n.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">granny was never far from me. there she is, just a peek above my small head.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><br />*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">there's no more practice days available.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">this is not a drill.</span></div><br /><p></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-92198783403214217882020-10-28T17:56:00.005-04:002020-10-28T19:53:51.930-04:00goodbye practice day 6: roses and magpie gifts<p>whenever i used to go visit granny, i used to bring whole bunch of snacks. snacks that i like. snacks that she likes. snacks that she can shower the entire home friends and staff with.</p><p>but as she isnt eating, snacks arent really an option anymore. she's drinking some fluids and some loose mixtures, but that's about it.</p><p>ive been bringing her snacks since i started to make my own money back at age 13. and now what?</p><p>and as she's curling her tail, there isnt much stuff i could get for her. it's all unnecessary.</p><p>it's amazing how many things can quickly become unnecessary. <br /></p><p>ive joined a social media group about slow medicine, a practice in walking with persons in their last steps. and i learned small things, like combing her hair, is a nice sensory experience. and ive been pouring over their suggestions. and a few suggested 'scents.'</p><p>she's now put her anchor in her room. i dont think she'll get out of that little room much. she's got a big window and it was beautifully sunny, but she wasnt able to get up to see it. her joints are too stiff, she says. </p><p>so i bring her roses. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo0zgbk4W8S9DPkOWXptYspORQj_8MLbVvxQDWjr-UvyVyQLLAi2h9MlNVqQuLGl10SSwUbrvv5tOSVAPWJYdLGMGNsMZ1fQPLleblbsUGmO4RXZ08W7SicR81u6KqYHU4Pd65FtUKYC8/s2400/PXL_20201028_161005888.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2400" data-original-width="2398" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo0zgbk4W8S9DPkOWXptYspORQj_8MLbVvxQDWjr-UvyVyQLLAi2h9MlNVqQuLGl10SSwUbrvv5tOSVAPWJYdLGMGNsMZ1fQPLleblbsUGmO4RXZ08W7SicR81u6KqYHU4Pd65FtUKYC8/s320/PXL_20201028_161005888.jpg" /></a></div><p>it's bizarre because some roses at the shop, just wasnt smelling like anything. apparently some hybrids have lost their scent, while they look spectacular. so there i am, trying to 'waft' around roses to bring her something from the outside.</p><p>today i brought three pink roses.</p><p>a year ago, i wouldnt thought that i would be buying pink roses. for anyone. roses are too safe, i wouldve said. roses are too popular, and too easy. but here we are, in end of october, 2020, me buying roses and driving a car with a ding. </p><p>she says i shouldnt come.</p><p>she also says i shouldnt waste my money on roses.</p><p>yet she holds onto my hands. </p><p>when i give her a towel wipe on her face, and a little dap with rose water to freshen her face, she sigh quietly, with small pleasure.</p><p>when i open the window and let some wind in, she says 'fresh.'</p><p>i broke a small freezie into pieces and put it into her sippy cup. she takes the cup with both hands, and drinks slowly.</p><p>she smells the roses. <br />she sighs once again, a small one. but nonetheless.</p><p>what else could i bring this lady, except for my own self, and few roses?</p><p>nothing else. </p><p>i suppose im bringing her outside, and of past. past me, grown with her love, now bringing her some little things, like a magpie. small trinkets, but picked with intention of being 'given.'</p><p>i wonder what tomorrow's going to be like. i wonder how her afternoon and evening will be like. i wonder where this all goes, the thoughts we create, swept through consciousness, as time marches on. or flows on. it definitely is taking softer steps recently. seamless yet going.</p><p>and my thoughts, as i drive up, and drive back, are speckled with slight anxiety (404 drivers are pushy and fast, i learned. may be i will be used to it by end of this journey. but it does not feel great to be pushed to drive faster and faster). i was telling julian that i feel like hurling most of the time in the morning, when im getting ready to go. </p><p>may be things are difficult to digest now. <br />after all, the word used to mean to separate, to divide and to arrange.<br /><a href="https://www.etymonline.com/word/digest">https://www.etymonline.com/word/digest</a></p><p>how do we arrange such overlapping life segments?<br />when i talk to granny about how she is, what are we really talking about? of her own self? or her outview on what is to come? or her thoughts on others- esp my mom and dad? of what has happened last night when we all left and she was left in her own thoughts? </p><p>i dont really know. <br /><br />does the trees, with their new spectacular colours before their demise, know what they are now? how beautiful they are, and how doomed they are? does the sun know that it is going to outlive all of us? as it has outlived everything that came before us?</p><p>today's light was spectacularly beautiful though. beauty matters-</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF8DzuNGtzUud6-U2kFT6qyHq08U85z1ciNh1odp6xMWVVqeBr43L3ypmBDH5Salf6tkvWxwoa3nALFddz9F0dZroTLTsrSoBlcM4PIkTXunnyo6ABqsMRGALtrnXroXBYydsy-yOFZI8/s4032/PXL_20201028_161342441.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF8DzuNGtzUud6-U2kFT6qyHq08U85z1ciNh1odp6xMWVVqeBr43L3ypmBDH5Salf6tkvWxwoa3nALFddz9F0dZroTLTsrSoBlcM4PIkTXunnyo6ABqsMRGALtrnXroXBYydsy-yOFZI8/s320/PXL_20201028_161342441.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">just outside of her home. she no longer can get out though.</div><br /><p></p><p>so i bring roses. </p><p>may be tmrw, i would be inspired to bring something else. but may be not. perhaps predictability is alright right now, as death, as birth, is also very predictable, for all of us.</p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-14025073237666157412020-10-27T21:53:00.016-04:002020-10-27T22:16:24.488-04:00goodbye practice day 5: strange noises rhythms and pulses that holds us together<p>why does the very basic idea of living, then dying bring so much noise?<br />and how is that certain huge noise can bring so much calmness, in contrast?<br /><br />this week, i had my first parking ticket, and first 'ding' on a car. in the middle of backing up the car to head out, i was thinking about the fact that ive been asked to not to stay long, or come by often, if i could help it- rising covid numbers mean stricter lockdown for granny's home.</p><p>im half tempted to bring her here where i live, but that really is a stupid idea, my brain says. so that's a no. they are able to check on her at least once an hour, and i- well, i cannot do that. <br />noisy.</p><p>or is it that i wont do that? </p><p>what am i now? meatloaf?<br /><br />so noisy.<br /><br />i also had my very first MRI. it's fancy living in downtown, walking to your 6am MRI appt.</p><p>during about 50 min of shoulders MRI, i totally tripped out in midst of huge noise chain.</p><p>in that white tube, with magnetic resonance so loud and powerful (it did feel super weird- apparently some are able to sense the changes in the body as it interacts with the force field), the machine had its own resonance and rhythm.</p><p>like the space soundtracks one hears from documentaries.</p><p>it was quite hypnotizing.<br />i didnt believe the technician when she said i was done. that it's been 50 mins.<br /><br /><a href="https://youtu.be/6Aj2QspPf7s">the hum of an MRI machine</a><br />*try it! it's bit... amazing!</p><p>i often wondered if i would ever be smart enough to be an astrophysicist. the universe, though intimidating, it is an intimate subject, as everyone gets to share one, and create one. the time and space concept is beautiful, and i do love the idea of the universe doing its own thing- totally a different scale, so different that we cannot really relate to it.</p><p>but here we are, living in it.</p><p>after visiting granny for a half hour- i combed her hair, cold-toweled her face, put some rose waters on her face, and gave her a few roses to keep. </p><p>a scent to remember what 'living' is like, </p><p>even in a lockdown.</p><p>since i came back home, ive been listening to the MRI sounds. <br />i feel comforted. i would love to experience it again. loud, full bang, all around me.<br />may be the resonance so big from the universe to hear, still echoes in the mind. in the subconscious. bit like the sound from the womb you hear as a fetus. i wouldve heard my granny's voice, along with others. and being the second child in close-packed threesome, i was often granny's child. i knew her steps and habits. we shared bed till i was ready to move out. from her slumbering sound, i knew whether she was well, or not. happy or not. tired or not. she wouldve known mine, even though i would have zero clue.</p><p>i anticipate not being able to hear her any longer.</p><p>may be i should record her sometime.</p><p>may be not.</p><p>may be it is better, to keep her sound in my heart. cuz, if it's not 'recorded' mechanically, it wont stay 'out of time,' it will expand and change, with my flow of time. after she is gone.</p><p>and perhaps, just like the strange noise from the MRI machine, i might just like it, just a little mythical and mysterious. yet, comforting.</p><p>old granny. MRI. things do pulse through out our lives.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjngaStFkJ7thi0_zAYOTFKOYVQNjJ7GdUIQzi-CE1-FIKfNASSZ62bvO35GiNSCJaNf3o0ul00H9kbwbX8ACMHtVR4STUEi2TLbYTl-WtlBFdpd4S0ofmueAvv4k4e0rPlmDWZL4sIXXM/s2774/PXL_20201027_181942408.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2774" data-original-width="2772" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjngaStFkJ7thi0_zAYOTFKOYVQNjJ7GdUIQzi-CE1-FIKfNASSZ62bvO35GiNSCJaNf3o0ul00H9kbwbX8ACMHtVR4STUEi2TLbYTl-WtlBFdpd4S0ofmueAvv4k4e0rPlmDWZL4sIXXM/s320/PXL_20201027_181942408.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">*and somehow, even though she's human, she kinda blends in with flowers today. </div><div style="text-align: center;">is it the passivity? </div><div style="text-align: center;">is it the timed demise that is coming? </div><div style="text-align: center;">whatever it is, the scene was beautiful to me. </div><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-92099164930055560512020-10-26T23:01:00.004-04:002020-10-26T23:10:19.271-04:00goodbye practice day 4: hair combingi combed her hair today. <br /><br />i didnt realize how much quiet joy it brought her. <br />probably because i never have to comb my hair since 2000-01. <br />i chopped it all off at once.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGgY0elneGapWe0UHn8nTdRU6rljGXJ6Hn6ZF30tWrCNrskAHH7ThfNEHNt0gDhpxxSTv62TXe9pnBFNtZRAJ1AQ5rXM0w39dNzsPaAzvT8-TtKE6lKD0iylsfei5Hqmj2A1fm7lMglQ/s2816/PXL_20201026_174801968.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2110" data-original-width="2816" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGgY0elneGapWe0UHn8nTdRU6rljGXJ6Hn6ZF30tWrCNrskAHH7ThfNEHNt0gDhpxxSTv62TXe9pnBFNtZRAJ1AQ5rXM0w39dNzsPaAzvT8-TtKE6lKD0iylsfei5Hqmj2A1fm7lMglQ/s320/PXL_20201026_174801968.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div>she kept saying 'your arms are going to get tired.'</div><div>i kept saying 'im counting.'</div><div><br /></div><div>one. two. three. four.<br />then i would forget what number im to be on. so we stayed on doing that for awhile.<br /><br />see, my memorable childhood hair moments were rather hysterical. </div><div><br /></div><div>there were times where someone (mom or granny, doesnt matter, they were in this together), brought me to a local hair place, and they permed my hair to michael jackson curls- looking very much like a joke. that was something that i tried to protest actively and futilely. <br /><br />then there were times where my hair was being braided by someone angry (as 'she' would be behind me, i cant remember who it wouldve been- may be both HA HA HA)- so french braid being done, the comb. digging. into. head. every. stroke. tears. welled. up. </div><div><br /></div><div>there were a few bowl cuts, or cuts that just got shorter and shorter as time went on.</div><div>granny apologized a few times, i think. </div><div>well, not much anyone can do at that point though. it just needs growing out.</div><div><br /></div><div>i mustve combed her hair a thousand times today.</div><div>or just merely about a hundred times.</div><div>i have no clue.</div><div><br /></div><div>just like the way that this week is disintegrating in 'timeline,' my obsessive counting is also being defeated by the soft-edged present.</div><div><br /></div><div>time is melting. </div><div>stardust in making.</div><div><br /></div><div>tomorrow, i am planning to comb her hair again.<br />perhaps another 'hundred' times. <br />may be bring a fresh pine branch as well. </div><div>bringing the outside, of the past, to inside. </div><div>to feathery lady who is fading. gently. hair so soft and fine.</div><div><br /></div><div>*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzNpu3_KO4DOoDA7zxqBJZ6hMagrQ4Tr7RaUTNXUfboZ8luH-nv0moU0kUpR8lrWPis8OTaC42wykqPS5lC1J3gg8zSC0FxqFfTq6no-3N33e7FhOSWH2s30caGnvOV5A8fLszS5ohWV0/s1778/original_c94174fd-1885-4a56-ac13-d610ecdf0102_PXL_20201027_024117510.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1334" data-original-width="1778" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzNpu3_KO4DOoDA7zxqBJZ6hMagrQ4Tr7RaUTNXUfboZ8luH-nv0moU0kUpR8lrWPis8OTaC42wykqPS5lC1J3gg8zSC0FxqFfTq6no-3N33e7FhOSWH2s30caGnvOV5A8fLszS5ohWV0/s320/original_c94174fd-1885-4a56-ac13-d610ecdf0102_PXL_20201027_024117510.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><div style="text-align: center;">we also brought some more flowers, </div><div style="text-align: center;">from re-cutting and rearranging the flowers. </div><div style="text-align: center;">may be some more flowers tomorrow too.</div></div><div style="text-align: center;">they are blooming here at my home.</div><div style="text-align: center;">like memories buds.</div>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-86133061865589496352020-10-25T21:15:00.010-04:002020-10-25T22:44:06.266-04:00goodbye practice day 3: hand studieswalking with a kid usually means holding hands. one big one, one itty one.<div><br /></div><div>sitting down with a granny usually means holding hands. one big one, one itty one.</div><div><br /></div><div>i dont think theres been any time that i can remember, that we had same sized hands, ever.</div><div>it just went, in a blink, small to large, then large to small.</div><div><br /></div><div>one day, my hands were just larger. and stronger. granny used say that i should try to keep my hands long and pretty, like a good piano player. i always worked with my hands, and ended up having a big palm, where the base of the palm is bigger than the rest of the hand.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyYdmshxTBtFld4AfyB3KclOuPsIub-U7RDDNCIkNojOSy8fsOJksS7WPfDm-uqyv5213aqEsX1WZoCpLiRBtsTsqDVCGkUtoxbRvEZyhvzz6GqTxpl_Qqycgi4A7hWOQIZzWvZVh0-FA/s3135/PXL_20201025_162524624.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3135" data-original-width="2351" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyYdmshxTBtFld4AfyB3KclOuPsIub-U7RDDNCIkNojOSy8fsOJksS7WPfDm-uqyv5213aqEsX1WZoCpLiRBtsTsqDVCGkUtoxbRvEZyhvzz6GqTxpl_Qqycgi4A7hWOQIZzWvZVh0-FA/s320/PXL_20201025_162524624.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div>granny worked her needles and scissors with her hands, a seamstress who fed 5 little composite family- her, my dad, her sister in law, and 3 nephew/nieces. so many stitches and loops, buttons and zippers, she wouldve touched and touched again.</div><div><br /></div><div>and one day, i realized that her hands are teeny. her rings start to fall out- then she would wrap strings around the ring to buff it up. and her nails became hard, and slow-growing. outer treebarks.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1lqxY8VfVWDQ2sRAxFMFBdYfZqCc0rBEfMbGcEnJ1AUUjkUGPbki4pS96aX2b71QzRqA8r_YumsY47gOUb-cXCSE_rp_t1s8ohhpTLNttrZGAeH3cW_-DoP_adwsHP4FkLiuYJ5RSl1w/s2695/original_369b4d20-81d8-40bc-a968-a8963ef70acc_PXL_20201025_164319332.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2695" data-original-width="2022" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1lqxY8VfVWDQ2sRAxFMFBdYfZqCc0rBEfMbGcEnJ1AUUjkUGPbki4pS96aX2b71QzRqA8r_YumsY47gOUb-cXCSE_rp_t1s8ohhpTLNttrZGAeH3cW_-DoP_adwsHP4FkLiuYJ5RSl1w/s320/original_369b4d20-81d8-40bc-a968-a8963ef70acc_PXL_20201025_164319332.jpg" /></a></div><div>today she held my hand. her, both hands, me, just one hand.<br /><br />yesterday when i teared up, she reached to wipe my tears. </div><div>i dont remember when was the last time she's wiped my tears.</div><div>last time i saw her wipe her tears was when gabe died.</div><div>im sure there were many tears her hands wiped. many belonging to her.</div><div><br /></div><div>but she wasnt teary yesterday.</div><div>she looked at me calmly. and eventually, tears stopped.</div><div>they do stop.</div><div>so they may start again. </div><div>later.</div><div><br /></div><div>hands are never still-</div><div>but those two, of hers, will become still.</div><div>soon.</div><div><br /></div><div>and i will think of that. </div><div>her, both hands, me, just one hand.</div>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-77911243187182094042020-10-24T19:05:00.012-04:002020-10-25T00:46:46.287-04:00goodbye practice day 2: buying flowers instead of potted plants<p>my friends know that i like to gift people with cuttings and potted plants. the idea is that... it goes onto be nurtured by the recipient, and if life is kind, that 'thing' will be alive, become 'some'thing/'some'one, and we go onto cultivate this 'relationship.'</p><p>but today, i bought cut flowers. when people stop eating solid, active dying phase isnt too far. and bringing her flowers would be rather uncalled for this particular relationship at this time.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFjCFRGShllsatm782UKtL6J0aOiSasrHuof32nowIz-sIiasPGdOaWl29W671guTSrU1Cb1K8Ad8TRF2ZciKg6YjmpEpkIUsuU7XxzaQhgwvfY-v-vPVGEFdSpih7NtVcHyWc99j5cl4/s2733/PXL_20201024_134408261.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2733" data-original-width="2731" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFjCFRGShllsatm782UKtL6J0aOiSasrHuof32nowIz-sIiasPGdOaWl29W671guTSrU1Cb1K8Ad8TRF2ZciKg6YjmpEpkIUsuU7XxzaQhgwvfY-v-vPVGEFdSpih7NtVcHyWc99j5cl4/s320/PXL_20201024_134408261.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">the shop was full of bright, shouty flowers. chrismas! (serious) halloween! fall bounties! birthdays! congratulations! etc!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">it looked like i was going to fail to find something that is 'right' for today. i sighed.<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p>i suppose i was celebrating granny in a sense she got out of the hospital. i really thought that she may die in the hospital (as tired as she was), and i asked a gigantic favour, that she somehow gets out of there, and die at her usual place. unless, she really is at 'empty.'</p><p>so for her to hang on, and get out, and be lucid to see three little persons who came from her life, is gigantic bonus.</p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">then i saw the one that was exactly right- the specimens, colours, size. she used to grow lots of flowers and stuff in her garden (interestingly, not much food stuff). and i often brought her mums. cuz they are hardy and they are really nice. the slight whiffy minty smell is a total plus.</div><p>i also brought customary huge box of freshly baked chinese buns. assorted. for her friends and workers at the home. for them to eat as much as they would like, because, well, regardless of what my granny eats, life should go on, and people need to be celebrated. </p><p>also, we were driving there. hahaha. makes 30 dollars worth of buns much easier to transport. *they would just get all squished in my backpack, if i were to take it myself on transit...</p><p>*</p><p>many things were said once we got there. mostly simple stuff. </p><p>granny's not angry or frustrated. she's full of thanks to everyone. </p><p>she couldnt recognize herself in the photos i printed out, but she was able to point me out, every time, HAHAHA. may be she will look at them, and look at that stranger's face, and think-</p><p>i wonder what she would think, now that she's been reminded that it's her own self.</p><p>from the times that are now a past.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibG4jGCYHPDqsKd4PR1N8FsmI9oLzT7ytt7Ssyl3jaf9enHvDEaWZi9m11Juk19z5mb6XOY0VWIpxS02TE6h2DC0NTlqv29ZxwnP5-oS0v0qODJcpHBMJ4gV-MEuV4JVs8too7DwRKaBU/s2955/PXL_20201024_224103885.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2953" data-original-width="2955" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibG4jGCYHPDqsKd4PR1N8FsmI9oLzT7ytt7Ssyl3jaf9enHvDEaWZi9m11Juk19z5mb6XOY0VWIpxS02TE6h2DC0NTlqv29ZxwnP5-oS0v0qODJcpHBMJ4gV-MEuV4JVs8too7DwRKaBU/s320/PXL_20201024_224103885.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>and here's the day 2's exercise. it turned out to be a hybrid flower of all the flowers in the bouquet, somehow. i think that's fine. things are collapsing into one another, and it's becoming an illustration of what it once was. how life becomes a story.<div><br /></div><div>i wonder if i would get to see her again. no one knows. so till them, i practice, everyday.<br /><div><p><br /></p></div></div>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-78595780813847287812020-10-23T22:45:00.016-04:002020-10-23T22:54:29.476-04:00goodbye practice day 1: arts and craft<p>news of the day: nursing home is temporarily waving covid testing result requirement on doctor's recommendation (result likely to be in laaaaate afternoon tmrw) so a visit up north to see you tmrw morning, granny. not enough time to actually do anything to get ready, so here i am, scraping stuff together haha. but just in case, shouldnt keep you waiting.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUD0RszN-kPGTuNJ3yRyiqle40KaMOapsun6saLdxfm5qtpBT1Cxx5e9_-0-O6S6tKFfgAQ2Q0skqabk2HONQJUjzEUIFCa-1K3EzxfDMh3XBcKHkwChEMZ21AzOEwonhx-EIEKgJGapc/s3697/PXL_20201024_023230809.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2771" data-original-width="3697" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUD0RszN-kPGTuNJ3yRyiqle40KaMOapsun6saLdxfm5qtpBT1Cxx5e9_-0-O6S6tKFfgAQ2Q0skqabk2HONQJUjzEUIFCa-1K3EzxfDMh3XBcKHkwChEMZ21AzOEwonhx-EIEKgJGapc/s320/PXL_20201024_023230809.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">trying to cut straight lines and trying to glue stuff neatly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">like when i was a little kid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">i once cut some paper with granny's sewing scissors.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">i only did it once cuz</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">i met god in a granny smack, and god said:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">no sewing scissors on paper, child.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">flashed back to life, and since then,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">only paper scissors on papers.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmGbL4cwM3JYxUGzGaEw_HIiUWiVd66jjQjCmO2Rn-4txbLhPbZVIgDsshgDwa-hKcbRSz_YsuNCvigOtQ87FN08LTTYC2UbMvho5_RAQkUbwMPTWFDOIHSL4b_lbEGudOKtdpmNipBI/s2828/original_65e778ea-b7ef-48a7-a50a-f4c5dff3bb89_PXL_20201024_021419125.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2828" data-original-width="2827" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmGbL4cwM3JYxUGzGaEw_HIiUWiVd66jjQjCmO2Rn-4txbLhPbZVIgDsshgDwa-hKcbRSz_YsuNCvigOtQ87FN08LTTYC2UbMvho5_RAQkUbwMPTWFDOIHSL4b_lbEGudOKtdpmNipBI/s320/original_65e778ea-b7ef-48a7-a50a-f4c5dff3bb89_PXL_20201024_021419125.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">mantra practice day 1: ballpoint pen.</div><br /><p></p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-28020922327194076802020-10-22T22:11:00.002-04:002021-10-24T22:33:59.029-04:00it is simple. granny's going.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj97hnzHlJGKyXgAlAqxmBAjzq_H0-HPoxS_y8mbNu6g2cGP9KeyhO7mZG_zFDDjWqkqvYMbFXwkYjN9XO5iG2ECnYeVP6mvLHR5rNiG8kYNMIUWQb5phy8A_SvbxXTZV88taj_4t5lkQ/s2048/original_ab143a25-df44-4cff-aeee-08f98e6c0c44_PXL_20201022_233654198.NIGHT.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj97hnzHlJGKyXgAlAqxmBAjzq_H0-HPoxS_y8mbNu6g2cGP9KeyhO7mZG_zFDDjWqkqvYMbFXwkYjN9XO5iG2ECnYeVP6mvLHR5rNiG8kYNMIUWQb5phy8A_SvbxXTZV88taj_4t5lkQ/s320/original_ab143a25-df44-4cff-aeee-08f98e6c0c44_PXL_20201022_233654198.NIGHT.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">tonight, dusk.</div><br /><p><br />hey blog, long time no see. i didnt have much thoughts that i wanted to write down. 2020 so far, has been mildly irritating, rather than truly provoking or even really enraging. but here we are.<br /><br />my granny's dying. <br />tomorrow would be just about 4 weeks since she went into a local hospital with colitis. but with prolonged stay and consequent isolation from everything/everyone (she hardly speaks english), and covid-19 protocol making it impossible for any of us to really go in and see her, <br /><br />i feel that she's decided to curl her tails and get ready for the end. after all, from the autumn equinox, to the winter solstice, it's a long gradient of 'end.'<br /><br />there were much phone chasing, 3-way calls, the usual immigrant family logistics when navigating complicated settings. it was unpleasant. and that is okay. but somewhere during that time, she's turned a corner, and now she's slowly disappearing.<br /><br />she's out, and back to her home. and she is no longer hungry. may be thirsty time to time. the doctor is changing direction to palliative care. and there she is, getting smaller and lighter.<br /><br />the universe around her, or rather, her own universe, is shrinking. all the stories are being gathered together, and being compressed into a dense, small thing- a memory. a death of a star. collapsing.<br /><br />fam's went to get done covid testing to see if we can go see her. she's not uncomfortable, not really in pain. she's probably waiting. waiting to see us go on, then i think, she will go.<br /><br />it felt so noisy till this eve. somehow, it did clear- this isnt complicated or noisy. it's simple.<br /><br />she's getting ready to die and i am going to let her die in my mind. least resistance will let me see how it really is. what 'it' is, isnt too crucial.<br /><br />there it is. <br /><br />i will look back on this day and think,<br /><br />i donot know yet what i will think then, but for now, i think:<br /><br />granny's dying.<br />a small person, gathering her universe, and wrapping it small and tidy, soon to be a feather.</p>piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-51529979968051549272020-04-15T14:45:00.001-04:002020-04-15T15:09:15.511-04:00important thing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPuyxz4LMEV87kzYoJ5joz8AbRH_jTkXpg5elkx4EZqPWBsMiY4vO3FN1sb6gd_5xQs8Q2CFKFc_EHop2FHIVko_unGvsN8ciUoApqqRZSOxZfwPP5fnjhGHceY-DV77ykatpZTuf9IM8/s1600/Rusty_front_110x110%25402x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPuyxz4LMEV87kzYoJ5joz8AbRH_jTkXpg5elkx4EZqPWBsMiY4vO3FN1sb6gd_5xQs8Q2CFKFc_EHop2FHIVko_unGvsN8ciUoApqqRZSOxZfwPP5fnjhGHceY-DV77ykatpZTuf9IM8/s1600/Rusty_front_110x110%25402x.jpg" /></a></div>
this morning, i headed to the local loblaws early, trying to get some milk; i dont drink milk, but housemate does. and as he's got such crap immunity, i thought i would go get it for him. shop was bit mad, and everyone was crossed that things move 'so slow.'<br />*glad i dont have to go into that shop for awhile. there's LOTS of entitlement going on, lol.<br />
<br />
when i got to the cashier, i realized that i could not find my grocery bag. so i paid for stuff, and then went back into the shop, looking for this bag. it was nowhere to be found, after doing 3 full round of the whole shop, so i left.<br />
<br />
i asked at the main office of my building, to see if anyone had picked up an orange reusable bag with a doggie on it, and by chance, a contract worker who was chilling by the lobby said he's seen it.<br />
<br />
'ive seen you go out today, and there was an orange cloth bag at the back. and a caretaker picked it up and put it in one of the garbage steel dump load.'<br />
<br />
he came out with me, as i ran outside, and pointed to the dump carts on the corner. i tried to lift the lids and take a look, but the lids were too heavy and there was no easy way i couldve got into take a look.<br />
<br />
so sometime today, it will be on its way to landfill, wondering why it's been suddenly abandoned.<br />
im really angry with myself for losing it.<br />
<br />
it's an envirosax i got back in 2008. i went to visit a friend who was having a super crappy wk, on a whim, from lincoln, nebraska, to madison, wisconsin. we walked around madison, and along with beer cheese bread, it was one of the things i bought on that visit.<br />
<br />
since then, it literally went everywhere with me.<br />
however, it was such an 'insignificant' item that i dont even have a picture of it, hahaha.<br />
<br />
and now it's gone.<br />
since 2007, it's carried so many things.<br />
lunches, books, dirty and clean clothings, money, fruits...<br />
<br />
i feel really crappy about life now.<br />
--------<br />
in middle of writing this, i could not help myself, so i looked for a replacement. and lo and behold, there are some deadstock! ive ordered and i hope it gets delivered.<br />
<br />
i get super attached to my things.<br />
i understand that sending for a replacement really isnt the same as the original thing, but sometimes i cannot help myself and so i make silly decisions.<br />
<br />
i thought may be i should let it go and not continue this unreasonable attachment, but i could not get the idea out of my head- of getting another one. so i will.<br />
<br />
i will miss bag 1. it hurts.<br />
and i hope bag 2 will stay with me a little bit longer....piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-41099809955727165852020-04-09T22:03:00.000-04:002020-04-09T23:13:34.161-04:00to serve, to wash, to be a bit lost<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAUF1VUlgQTYFlXYJEqN37Ir7d3cqbLD_6f16HyZgR1kHqlS-9Gw1btBI1KVB49Ec8Kw3aDD-2u4qrXhLyP2en8cZh-LOQ43I1cVigJBhasaJsMfC_E117cnECJoyOMhm5G0QFC0WT1t8/s1600/1400px-El_Lavatorio_%2528Tintoretto%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="544" data-original-width="1400" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAUF1VUlgQTYFlXYJEqN37Ir7d3cqbLD_6f16HyZgR1kHqlS-9Gw1btBI1KVB49Ec8Kw3aDD-2u4qrXhLyP2en8cZh-LOQ43I1cVigJBhasaJsMfC_E117cnECJoyOMhm5G0QFC0WT1t8/s400/1400px-El_Lavatorio_%2528Tintoretto%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
:christ washing the disciples' feet, tintoretto<br /></div>
<a href="https://youtu.be/WyqdRfRXKW0">https://youtu.be/WyqdRfRXKW0</a><br />
<br />
in this time of weirdness, lots of things changed.<br />
instead of mad ride through rehearsals, juries and concerts, i am largely unoccupied.<br />
unoccupied, meaning unemployed, unutilized, perhaps even unawake.<br />
<br />
instead of running fast to put in that obligatory 5k run first thing in the morning, i am walking, somewhat aimlessly, slow, with lots of time to look around, seeing things that i havent seen YET in all places that i thought i knew, and finding new places that i have never seen.<br />
<br />
i knew about some foodbanks around my area, but i have never seen the line up.<br />
till last week.<br />
<br />
i did a shift at local community kitchen today. this is the first time in a long while that i could chip in physically. i usually send money, as it's easy, and i dont have to be there.<br />
<br />
it's been said, that the most important thing is to be there.<br />
i wasnt, cuz i was busy. im a seasonal worker. it would be really complicated if i had regular daytime shift volunteering. <br /><br />i wasnt there.<br />
<br />
but anyhow, with no money to chase after, i was there, walking 17km in return trip.<br />
<br />
we assembled really good looking lunch packages. others welcomed me right away. chickpea sandwich on a bagel, a piece of cake, apple and a snack bar, a juice and a whole big can of pringles. for easter, nonetheless.<br />
<br />
it could so easily be me, in a few years, if i lost my ways of earning a living.<br />
may be even just in few months, who knows.<br />
<br />
tonight, if all things went well, every catholic church wouldve had their proud members lined up on front, as the priest washes their feet.<br />
<br />
jesus washing feet of his people.<br />
and today, he says, very simply:<br />
mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos" <br />
("I give you a new commandment, That ye love one another as I have loved you") (John 13:34).<br />
<br />
when im on a sidewalk, walking up for early workdays, i am used to seeing the same homeless people on my route. i keep my head down, as usually they are not feeling so cheery, having to spend and survive another brutal night- who knows what may have happened. some yells, sometimes. some yells, all the time. and some disappear at times, and some never come back.<br />
<br />
regardless of what i think of religion, it is true, what jesus said.<br />
it is simple, therefore so hard. to love others as ive been loved.<br />
may be people become hateful because they havent been loved.<br />
<br />
by total luck, i served a lunch shift today- the last shift before easter at this particular kitchen. as jesus got ready to wash feets.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJVyYNyoM9Iuuk2hc3-nkWT9N9_LBJeGZQYEblGCI8aWqoR-M0bWq8-8sPHh5HnRFcaYbDs2I2xan8gZ6cGhPpYZyXGtqls6Nuo98DB6HsOO8llbj9qmhQ-dtGlwqInCLXGMPw6YpgpyY/s1600/35955000_10216712402708441_7188033360797630464_n.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJVyYNyoM9Iuuk2hc3-nkWT9N9_LBJeGZQYEblGCI8aWqoR-M0bWq8-8sPHh5HnRFcaYbDs2I2xan8gZ6cGhPpYZyXGtqls6Nuo98DB6HsOO8llbj9qmhQ-dtGlwqInCLXGMPw6YpgpyY/s320/35955000_10216712402708441_7188033360797630464_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
(sahara at dawn)<br /></div>
</div>
ive decided to continue long walks for 40 days.<br />
im over half way, and ive been thinking of elijah.<br />
driven to anger, what did you see, in 40 days and nights, elijah?<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEju4OIYpDzRAg46rVRE03U9GlzOqzTEf4laUYM_ccpOZSoZrOQmBfHtkhEkYUmA6hadi_Y8PdFZ8nzvXKbNCWWAy1o9LqqjLvQZFer25F8emmgSpDyXWXgiGjZA3agvCbDBNsm2KO4PGLE/s1600/19679014_10213498267277064_6620329684109652033_o.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEju4OIYpDzRAg46rVRE03U9GlzOqzTEf4laUYM_ccpOZSoZrOQmBfHtkhEkYUmA6hadi_Y8PdFZ8nzvXKbNCWWAy1o9LqqjLvQZFer25F8emmgSpDyXWXgiGjZA3agvCbDBNsm2KO4PGLE/s320/19679014_10213498267277064_6620329684109652033_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
(pamir wilderness, tajikistan)<br /></div>
</div>
ive seen wilderness- a furious winter storm in iceland, and the cool, silent nights in the sahara.<br />
ive seen the endless dirtplanes of tajikistan, and ive seen continuous road through the camino.<br />
thoughts come up, like wild mushrooms. they break through ground, and release spores, going far, farther than any of can imagine.<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Zz2JSD2kbYsCzjDyHOB_WGNL9Cys4dA5Lz_f_0vLE_6c9J9U0cgAa75TT4LRlzKyubhUULaxVAb-0Gwvl4B1ybLk9MZ_MXfq_M0TNTd6288c8ywoCmXfZEs7GbSWzdN57UDMuLuAlk8/s1600/10845887_10205417284657549_9119047387520883040_o.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Zz2JSD2kbYsCzjDyHOB_WGNL9Cys4dA5Lz_f_0vLE_6c9J9U0cgAa75TT4LRlzKyubhUULaxVAb-0Gwvl4B1ybLk9MZ_MXfq_M0TNTd6288c8ywoCmXfZEs7GbSWzdN57UDMuLuAlk8/s320/10845887_10205417284657549_9119047387520883040_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(to lake myvatn, iceland)</div>
<br />
what would i see in these 40 days?<br />
what is this wilderness? plague? what are we now?<br />
as i wiped down the tables and foodcart with smell of bleach ringing my nose, i thought of a few things.<br />
<br />
what is it, to love one another, as weve been loved? </div>
piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-12487635299268430732020-03-30T21:46:00.000-04:002020-03-30T21:46:42.138-04:00subway shop and hodduk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb1sUbL0BTtS5rIGifWtXASXeEQ2UGyKLP_thvfeT1WXdRob4JlzFoDT6RGUJ-sWsACmeZ15siRJTjwZRk1Gt0sFsoL4qneOMZp3IbQ3H3lmWxIvWoclNVkj5hKOXwbje0TpUnwTzNEH8/s1600/IMG_20200330_090751.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1199" data-original-width="1600" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb1sUbL0BTtS5rIGifWtXASXeEQ2UGyKLP_thvfeT1WXdRob4JlzFoDT6RGUJ-sWsACmeZ15siRJTjwZRk1Gt0sFsoL4qneOMZp3IbQ3H3lmWxIvWoclNVkj5hKOXwbje0TpUnwTzNEH8/s320/IMG_20200330_090751.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
i went on a long walk today (to cherry beach to k town and back). then eventually i had to look for a bathroom. every public space is shut, and even park bathrooms are shut (thanks assholes for getting the parks shut).<br />
<br />
i literally begged a few coffee shops that were open, but they all sited city regulation and pointed to the door. <br />
<br />
a kind man operating a small subway shop took a pity on me, and gave me a coin, and told me to open the lock and use the bathroom- and that he never opened it for me. <br />
<br />
since i couldnt give back the coin, i bought a drink and left a good tip. he literally saved my day.<br />
<br />
we talked about how terrible it is for small businesses and homeless. he said 'coin trick' was the only thing he could think of to share with the homeless.<br />
i think of what's going to happen to homeless. i wonder what people actually do in long runs. i wonder how his little sub shop will do- as it's usually the cheapest option for the mass, and obvious with george brown shut (i was in corktown at this point, holding myself SOMEHOW from cherry beach).<br />
<br />
then i walked to k town, and got some sweet pancakes from hodokwaja. theyve been operating that family business as long as i can remember. on friday 930am, i dropped by as i was walking in the area, and the mr who knows me over the years, felt- sombre.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi55VOTmaXHdKxC94KoWQzLrCCXMOXa2-F3gh1fRhizKNJSqh29EnMrinH1IoE6uvbyf6fXMHnPtEWZnZ0K0bDwhf34zbRAKguuF3UZRJC4z9VC1Dga_8zzhe__TD0ocwLnPmDoFEl9T_U/s1600/IMG_20200330_130733.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1201" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi55VOTmaXHdKxC94KoWQzLrCCXMOXa2-F3gh1fRhizKNJSqh29EnMrinH1IoE6uvbyf6fXMHnPtEWZnZ0K0bDwhf34zbRAKguuF3UZRJC4z9VC1Dga_8zzhe__TD0ocwLnPmDoFEl9T_U/s320/IMG_20200330_130733.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
but he's a succesful immigrant and his shop is amazing.<br />
and he is strong.<br />
he's always kind to me, i dont go so often during the school year- i dont have the time, but him and his daughter has been so nice to me, and i really love going in there.<br />
<br />
i didnt feel the need to say nice words, he's capable. but when he insisted that i take a package of frozen hodduk with my small purchase, it was like a kick on the teeth. he's still sharing.<br />
<br />
so i went back to get two frozen packs and some small stuff today, so i dont eat it all at once (HAHAHA).<br />
and i will make sure that i go at least once a week, may be do a larger order next time. not because they deserve pity, but because it is delicious and the interaction is even more delicious.<br />
<br />
as i sit at my home with luxury of unlimited bathroom use, i wonder what others are resulting to.<br />
<br />
it's been heartbreaking-sometimes.piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-72480341782594239872020-03-22T09:02:00.001-04:002020-03-22T09:03:41.380-04:00break that came<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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things changed pretty fast since last sunday, and yyz is quiet. covid lockdown.<br />
just like that (bit amazing really), my calendar became empty and visitors were cancelled, and i am left with no-task days.<br />
<br />
then i remind self that i do this every summer.<br />
<br />
by being in long distance relationship, i choose to spend time in uk during summer, and so once i leave, it's just days of 'freedom.' i try to run everyday, and do some remote work, eat lots and be mostly empty in the head.<br />
<br />
this somehow, is also quite similiar to the camino de santiago. i questioned myself a few times, whathell am i doing there? but mostly you wake, pack, put shoes on, and go. i walked mostly by myself. that was okay too.<br />
<br />
the difference i see now is that many of my lovely peeps (and myself) werent prepared for this 'break,' and that suddenly, we are all doing it.<br />
whether it be not being able to see family and loved ones, being at home with ones to care for, and probably most pressing, cash flow/financial pressure, the stress is real.<br />
<br />
things move incredibly fast and slow. i think this one, slow.<br />
<br />
i often answer that i am a specialized physical labourer.<br />
as a piano player, i dont create arts, i simply come and physically manipulate things to make sound, reading from what can be a complicated nonverbal instruction, and take nonverbal/verbal instruction from others whom i play for.<br />
sometimes if the listener deems so, it's art.<br />
but mostly, just labour. and that's fine.<br />
<br />
this is not necessarily time for arts to go die.<br />
it wont die. it didnt, in many occassions. scenes change though.<br />
<br />
so cliche, but imma gonna keep my heart and brain clear.<br />
nothing is going to change drastically in next few weeks (unless, things get pressingly bad with actual infection- whether me or my close people).<br />
the world might be noisy and dump all kinds of stuff on one's mind.<br />
imma just gonna try to keep the deck clear.<br />
there's loads of time to look at things now.<br />
i dont need to look at everything now.<br />
i cant anyway.<br />
<br />
sending good thoughts to everyone in this time of... unfamiliarity.<br />
it's here and it will only go when it goes.piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-21699829840756379142020-03-10T16:59:00.000-04:002020-03-10T16:59:51.260-04:00@gym: PFO may be, dear mansplainer. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i havent wrote blogs in awhile. partly because writing for ludwig van toronto has been fulfilling that need to write, and that writing to teh world can be a tiring thing, especially when there are potentials for arguments and contempt. but here is another one, hooray, happy 2020!<br /><br />at the gym today, i was trying to crush down 100 flights of stairs under 13 min, it is not super fast but it does take it out of me. for last 2 min, i was holding onto the handrail, with horrible form, back stretched, and knees not underneath my body. i knew my form was horrid, but hey, just 4-5 more flights to go so, and somehow, like video game, i had to try to crush those numbers. silly me.<br /><br />then an older man appeared and stopped by me while i was publicly dying.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
man: your form will hurt your back<br />me: thanks.</blockquote>
<br />and then he stood there, expecting-<br />then he spoke again,<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
man: it's better for you to go slower with better form<br />me: thanks.</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
what was he expecting? me to stop and correct my form? to immediate ask him for advice? chunk of change?<br />
<br />
so i kept on pushing through. 3 more flights to go.<br />
then he spoke again-<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
man: i said you will-<br />me: thanks.</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
and then he stood for bit longer, then left.<br />
i finished my 100 flights and stopped dying immediately.<br />
as i did a mile run to round off the session, i wondered what was up. <br /><br />-was i simply being too reactive? <br />-was i supposed to immediately thank him for his gracious feed back and correct my ways? <br />-wait, who the hell is he? <br />-it's creepy for people to stare at others at the gym, isnt it?<br />-was i not clear of my intent to not to further interact when i said 'thanks?'<br />
<br />
if he stopped at the first exchange and left, i wouldve thought: huh, concerned citizen. thanks. i will pay attention so that i wont hurt myself.<br />
<br />
but the fact that he hung around for good half-min, expecting me to interact in some way, that's the dead giveaway for what it really was: mansplaining.<br />why dont you fuck off?<br />---<br />so i talked to a friend and asked if i was overreacting.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
friend: ... may be?<br />me: tho, did anyone ever talk to you at the gym about your form?<br />friend: no, never.<br />me: it happens to me whenever im in the general area.<br />friend: i wonder why you, not me.<br />me: cuz you are almost 6 feet tall, huge dude, and i look like a little girl.<br />friend: you think?<br />me: welcome to everyday sexism.</blockquote>
it was just international women's day. and yeah, it was only 23 hrs long, thanks to daylight savings. everyday sexism is a real thing and it does gnaw at me at times.<br />i still wonder what he was expecting from me, and if this happens again, im just gonna have to tell him that he's creeping me out, regardless of his 'good' intentions.<br />
<br />
be aware, people with advice in public places for strangers,<br />
as your interaction isnt always required nor asked.<br /><br />
piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-10271648937732803122019-09-29T13:08:00.000-04:002019-09-29T13:09:38.113-04:00sunday for the lord, yes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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subbing at a church service is much fun gig for me. as i no longer have a regular church job, it's been great going around town and fill-in for different congregation and denominations over the years. the funny thing is that playing the music is the easiest part, HAHA.<br />
<br />
every service is slightly different, and every church/choir/peeps do something bit different. yet because it's a sunday service, often, they all know WHAT TO DO, except me, the fill-in. so sometimes things get exponentially silly, and today was one of those!<br />
<br />
1. st. clair-lawrence bus: i got up early enough to do 5k run before the service. totes forgot to check it was the subway-bus day. check google, should make it just on the nose. system dawdles. and i make it with 1 min to spare. post-work out dash.<br />
<br />
2. choir warm-up/review for service: goes smashing well. get into a discussion with a member about rando thing while making notes on bulletin for the day *ex. what to sing, where i play, what's spoken, etc.<br />
<br />
3. saw a gown last week, so decided that i was gonna dress par-usual (hence, not dressy at all), and put the gown on. marcus the conductor's like head taller than me. so now im swimming in this massive thing. the hem is only 3 inches off the ground. i can kinda see the last digits of my fingers. decided to go ahead.<br />
<br />
4. start prelude. cant see feet, so am struggling. but anyhow.<br />
<br />
5. where is my bulletin with all my notes?<br />
it's gone. i go through every loose sheets of stuff i have. it's nowhere to be found. i hear the spoken stuff somewhere in the yonder of my consciousness. pause. i think it's my turn to play. they are looking at me. i grasp the hymnal number and start playing.<br />
<br />
AND COMES THE SILENT SCHOOL OF FISH FACES SAYING:<br />
THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT TUNE.<br />
<br />
they are silently (and somehow loudly) telling me that im on the wrong thing.<br />
AND IT IS THE WRONG THING<br />
BUT I DONT HAVE THE BULLETIN WHAT IS IT THEN<br />
<br />
the pastor calmly reannounces the tune. he also says: "we also like that tune too."<br />
i somehow converse back loudly, "good, cuz it's on for later part of service."<br />
everyone chuckles.<br />
<br />
plays the right tune.<br />
<br />
6. rest of service: eventually give up searching for the bulletin. still swimming in gown. now im sliding down on the bench. unzip the gown. service keeps going. cant see the 'offering' people's location, cuz marcus' head taller than me, the mirror isnt exactly on, and i forgot to check for that...<br />
<br />
7. and that was that.<br />
<br />
all before noon.<br />
praise the lord.<br />
people are happy with service. and man, it was hard work.<br />
'you play so well!'<br />
'yes, once i know where/when to play.'<br />
<br />
i love subbing.piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-21328491064016348472019-09-28T00:23:00.000-04:002019-09-28T01:26:35.990-04:00ANIMA: concert going and anger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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thom yorke, cred: MediaPunch/REX/Shutterstock</div>
<br />
so this thom yorke anima tour was amazing.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/YNYJ_BJJbzI">https://youtu.be/YNYJ_BJJbzI</a><br />
<br />
the visuals are stunning. even from scotia arena non-premium seat, the video was amazing. this is the first time ive been convinced that video can be art- like, not just a medium carrying messages, but could be an abstract artistic discipline of its own.<br />
<br />
supposedly inspired by flying lotus (whos also doing a 3D show this year), i think anima's done what flying lotus wanted to do- a magic mashup of audio/video. (yes, i did go to the flying lotus show...)<br />
<br />
with these amazing videos (content-wise and technically)-<br />
<br />
if kandinsky, miro and klee had seen shows like this, and had options to do similar thing, would theyve stuck to the flat, still 2D world?<br />
<br />
a virtual palette where you can have any shades at any gradation available? true white light and true black? only thing that is missing is texture...<br />
<br />
honestly the most beautiful videos ive seen in a LONG WHILE. i think northern lights come close but then still, it's very close.<br />
<br />
and so im drooling over the visuals, and the music's awesome.<br />
then.<br />
<br />
two kids(though prob in early 30s) in front of me decide to stand up and dance. the dude behind them (im one-off to side) sighs but says nothing. i tap on their shoulders asking them to seat down- im on row F, there's many at the back, trust me. i get a dirty look, they hesitate, but they seat back down.<br />
<br />
then in last two numbers, they stand again. kids behind me start yelling 'sit down,' they dont care. i tap them again (we really cannot see, as they are large). they flick fingers and continue their dance.<br />
<br />
instead of seeing the pinnacle of the video/show, now im just seeing bodies bopping in boring ass duples. as the songs continue, i start to add more things in my head. <br />
<br />
now im just seeing sluggish bodies boppin in boring ass duples.<br />
<br />
now im just seeing uncoordinated sluggish bodies boppin in boring ass duples.<br />
<br />
now im just seeing uncoordinated sluggish bodies boppin and ricochet in boring ass duples.<br />
<br />
now im just seeing uncoordinated, armpit-wet, sluggish bodies boppin and ricochet in what they think is a boring ass steady duples.<br />
<br />
now im just seeing uncoordinated, armpit-wet, sluggish and sallow bodies dressed in climate change shirt, claiming fake solidarity (as clearly they are not giving two fucks about others), boppin and ricochet in something that's got nothing to do with the beats on real time from the stage. <br />
<br />
now im just seeing the reality where evolution is too slow to weed out people who are savages, and no education or social code can override selfishness, and this is why this uncoordinated selfish fucks are dancing and denying the rest of people behind them what they all came for- arts. instead, we are blocked off from great beautiful visuals, and are stuck with gyrating morons.<br />
<br />
etc.<br />
<br />
i was quite infuriated. this was the first time in long time that i really wanted to slap someone on the face, hoping to break a tooth. of course, it didnt happen. sigh.<br />
<br />
i can imagine one of you guys saying: but it's a concert, they can stand up to dance when they feel the music? NO, they shouldve bought floor tickets then, it WAS an option. why are they not on the floor? cuz they couldnt imagine carrying their soggy asses on their limp legs for the duration of the show?<br />
<br />
etc.<br /><br />but you are right. i shouldnt degrade people in my head because im angry at them. that's just me being stupid.<br />
<br />
anywhooooo.<br />
im now convinced that video art is a real thing, and going to go obsess about it for awhile.<br />
my anger probably flowed away from me, and joined its own little self in the great river styx.<br />
<br />
i think may be, now that im done being angry, those two humans (yes, while i was angry, i did conveniently forget that they are humans. i donno) were simply caught in brief blindness. such things are easily fuelled by excitement. may be they knew that they were being happy on expense of others. may be they thought their happiness was worth the expense of others. or may be they thought 'it's a concert, lighten up and dance, biatch!'<br />
<br />
as more shows get these superb visual elements in, it's becoming harder to know how to behave, may be. at the massive attack show, the visuals were more of documentaries and real films, and it was a smaller place. people actually sat and stayed sitting. but in scotia arena, with that abstract visuals (SO STUNNING let me tell you once more time...), may be they didnt realize how beautiful and impacting those videos were for others (i mean me).<br />
<br />
eventually the concert going public will figure out what to do in those shows. i say when in doubt, get a standing room ticket/floor ticket/whatever you call it, the one that lets you stand and dance.<br />
<br />
till then, i guess i will just have to 'make up' the last 8 minutes of anima tour. ha!<br />
<br />
thom yorke, you are amazing.<br />
and whoever made those videos for the tour, you are amazing.<br />
thank you, nigel godrich.<br />
and monkey, play nice, please.<br />
<br />piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-26601242578494815592019-07-20T10:43:00.001-04:002019-07-20T11:17:03.545-04:00florence foster jenkins and the misplaced angers of the world<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwGMFMyAMRl4Ad1NBqQm3rPnkNugt3mEWQq_-EaWAAce7xXqIInjCTakf09Fd01qT69eEhg_KLckJmzqssXctRU2mOTMsJ-Ugwlw2J8pKF0RQvUaYaDft1jd3_9B3LMp1euDlW318ukE/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="1024" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgwGMFMyAMRl4Ad1NBqQm3rPnkNugt3mEWQq_-EaWAAce7xXqIInjCTakf09Fd01qT69eEhg_KLckJmzqssXctRU2mOTMsJ-Ugwlw2J8pKF0RQvUaYaDft1jd3_9B3LMp1euDlW318ukE/s320/download.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/HszfdNS0JSc">https://youtu.be/HszfdNS0JSc</a><br />
<br />
there once was a lady who really wanted to sing. so she put her best effort and sang.<br />
and years later (now75 years after her death), she is mostly remembered- through people laughing and ridiculing her life.<br />
<br />
i dont really get the ridicule she receives. it is what we would equate as 'personal projects' today, and as such, people can either take it or leave it. she loved singing so much that she pursued it as seriously as she could, and created outputs which no one's forced to take, yet so many people take such joy pointing finger at 'how bad she is.'<br />
<br />
honestly, how many of us wouldve put in that much effort into a 'passion project?' so much schaudenfreuden from bitter average/below-average human beings- this is what i see.<br />
<br />
i tried watching the movie with meryl streep, but i couldnt finish it. it just hurt so much to watch things falling apart. people taking whatever they can take away from her, giving her false opinions, only to turn around and continue their mockery and contempt. if there was something to point fingers at, it was people around her, the ones who lied and mocked her (i can kinda understand the ones who decided to 'white lie,' but that would require them to not to take advange of FFJ).<br />
<br />
someone posted FFJ singing from youtube on social media, and it made me think how most of us are, by definition, would be just average or slightly below- for instance, to bring steven hawkings down to average, he would have to be dragged really far down, if we are to talk about intelligence. and for one single usain bolt, it will take a few grans with walkers to bring the average human speed for 100m dash down, and so on and so forth.<br />
<br />
and it's not a bad thing to acknowledge that we are, after all, likely to be in the middle of the pack. middle of the pack is important. it defines the pack itself. and that it is okay to trust the excellent 2% who will lead the pack out from the great dangers and unnecessary troubles, and to acknowledge that there will also be that popular 52% vs 48% ratio in the population (or something close to that), and that in certain things, a small subgroup can really damage everyone as well...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibNhy79HCjA1jVFfSKD3cpagpbj3TCWTRLt0zLHPtXUerG3Z-cAzDUy2ju10GW5U5LMX3NJJpj07pv1CrD82SJKY9k2Uw_Mx5by81IKx5IGb1LRdKVOAyLR0TMGboES9v5aMc8WSaov60/s1600/2019-07-20+%25282%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1169" data-original-width="1265" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibNhy79HCjA1jVFfSKD3cpagpbj3TCWTRLt0zLHPtXUerG3Z-cAzDUy2ju10GW5U5LMX3NJJpj07pv1CrD82SJKY9k2Uw_Mx5by81IKx5IGb1LRdKVOAyLR0TMGboES9v5aMc8WSaov60/s320/2019-07-20+%25282%2529.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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anyhow, i digress, but i just wonder what goes on in the mind of people when they point fingers at someone like FFJ with smoking anger and hatred toward her. if only the 'excellent' would survive, most of us wont even be here. eliticism is dangerous and little knowledge even more so.<br />
<br />piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-67156549537699866912019-06-21T10:17:00.000-04:002019-06-21T10:17:00.851-04:00chowing down while walking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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eating while travelling is quite a topic. it is exciting, and sometimes downright sketchy/dangerous. haha.<br />
<br />
since i came back, ive been cooking. i realize that even at grocery shops, i was buying cooking materials than ready-to-eat-things. as an extension of cooking my dinner at 10pm in toronto school days, i do take much joy in making food for myself and others. it's nothing fancy but i like it, and it tends to be good for my system (certain element repetition makes it easier for body to work with it).<br />
<br />
when i thought of being away for 40~ days, one of the first thoughts were: crap, what am i going to eat.<br />
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i do enjoy the variety and the wealth of choices for food when im travelling. yes, it is one of the big joys of being away. however, it can be quite tiresome- all that sugar, salt and fat, all the time. especially in commercial, quick food. as nice as it is to eat out 'quality' food at a great restos, it is simply not feasible (budget-wise and mentally).<br />
<br />
and perhaps i should be eating what the locals are eating, and however they are eating.<br />
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in my 20s, i did seek out to try all the specialties and local 'favourites,' whether it be hole-in-the-wall, or michelin-starred places. and then in 30s, it did start to cool down. the peak was when we were in tajikistan, though.<br />
<br />
in the middle of the mountains, in hard situations (often there were no water/electrical grid in those little villages), the families of homestays, they just brought what they had. and often, we knew that whatever we do not eat (for various reasons), the family will take it away, then eat it themselves.<br />
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i still remember, a long day on the road, and as the dusk set in, mom and the daughter, bringing small bowls and a pot of lamb soup- one chunk of carrot, potato, and a lamb piece, in broth. and that was dinner.<br />
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we were all kinda left hungry i think, but we all knew that it WAS dinner. and that there was no more to be had.<br /><br />in this eastern asia trip, it was interesting to consider 'chasing' after local food. but being in toronto, i felt that i could get any of these food at home (which is true), and that it is often better made in toronto as well (better animal welfare, higher attention to hygiene, etc). and it quickly became very difficult to find food that was plain, normal and not so high on fat/sugar/salt. in fact, i found lot of food to be too much for myself- salty, spicy, etc...<br /><br />i was lucky to enjoy so many local choices, and i am grateful that so many people shared their knowledge and love for eating together. however, im happy to be back at home, making completely 'normal' food, food that i have made for myself. and i already feel a bit better.<br />
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nourishment is quite a different word from gourmet, or foodie (dear lord, i hate the word 'foodie' from bottom of my heart). and some food i had was for fun, some were social vehicle. but i am glad that i was nourished and i had plenty to experience, everyday.<br />
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<br />piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-46111690998572930172019-06-20T10:13:00.002-04:002019-06-20T10:13:36.400-04:00cant smell that from postcards...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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whenever i get to a new place, people were asking how i would find it. and funny enough, the answers i had were probably unexpected... it usually involved the ambient sound and smells. <br />
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you see, with the globalization and the hyper-focus on visualization of EVERYTHING, we are almost too used to the images. well, i am. for instance, when i was at the shibuya crossing, it felt a bit weird- like ive been there before. but of course, ive been there before, through countless screens, many times. perhaps ive seen it more often than i have seen the middle of high park in toronto.<br />
<br />
so what i remember is the information that was never on those images- the smells, the slight air movement, the energy of the crowd.<br />
<br />
shibuya was fairly quiet for its density, though the wind never really stopped. the smell of transport exhaust and the slightly damp ground hit me right on the face as i got out of the subway stop. <br />
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similar thing in hong kong. i landed in hongkong in early afternoon of thursday, 13 june 2019. i was spending time with my aunt before leaving s korea, and wasnt really aware of the magnitude of the situation in hong kong demonstration. that was the day after the big violent demonstration. i didnt know, but the pouring rain and the tropical heat, mixed with sharpness and unease of the city made me wonder instantaneously: this stop in hongkong could be a big mistake- i might have a terrible time.<br /><br />it's hard to describe. i didnt 'see' any real evidence of violence myself- just the bunch of garbages and broken things down by the drains and the rain poured heavily over concrete jungle of hong kong. the dense air, however, carrying tension, made me want to leave.<br /><br />however, the next day, when it cleared up, looking down from the big buddha in lantau island, along with the statement to suspend the bill (which is insufficient yet surprising at the same time), the place felt different, once again. the sound of it and the smell of it changed drastically.<br />
<br />
last year, when we went to portugal, lots of people asked how porto was- of course, it is one of the top destinations at the moment; yet, typically me, the first thing i said was how loud porto was.<br />
<br />
you see, porto is in renaissance. <br />
with the tourism boom, everyone's fixing everything. there's drills and construction everywhere. and unlike the beautiful serene images we see on screens and publications, the reality hits us with so much more information. so yeah, my memory of porto is simply LOUD.<br />
<br />
in tongyeong, where my cousin lives, the surprise was the quietness of the town. though it's a working port town, the closure of shipbuilding business brought town a certain kind of quietness. the salt tang with quiet boats gliding on water. i was told that things pick up during the summer. i believe it. yet, i will remember it as a quiet town- quieter than the little hamlet villages in middle of mountains, in jirisan. jirisan was full of birds, wild life, winds, water. it was quite full on. noisy celebration of outside.<br />
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singapore airport- so many people told me the amazing stuff in that airport. different food stalls, amazing butterfly place, etc etc. but you see, i landed there around midnight. my flight was on for 225am. and it was full of people transferring from long haul to another long haul. so many people quietly dragging their rolly bags on floor, and the slight buzz from all the lights that were on the expensive boutique shops. and the faint smell of tiredness and traffic. <br /><br />so many places i went, it felt like i kinda knew them.<br />
<br />
the things that are not on the post cards, however, were the real things.<br />
how peculiar.<br />
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<br />piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-54333282289682872292019-06-19T09:26:00.000-04:002019-06-19T09:26:02.086-04:00and back to point b again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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hullo blog, it's been a good awhile...<br />during the semester, it felt a bit too crowded to write anything, and during travel, it felt a bit too crazy to write anything. but as i, fortunately and thankfully, am back in chinley hermitdom, it would be nice to unfurl the thoughts from last few weeks.<br />
<br />
i left toronto, then scuttled through vancouver, japan, south korea, hong kong, macau, then finally to uk (for now). it's a nice point of pause. during those steps, i met my 40th birthday, and it was a rather a nice feeling- that it was good, and it will continue to be good, whatever 'it' may be. i saw many things and it's almost too much to process as things went on. perhaps the best way to do this is to start somewhere- and then it will go however as it needs to.<br />
<br />
for minimalist-life-style-strivers, it would be a great practice to backpack for awhile, and stay at little rabbit-hutch hostels. with a big and small backpack (may be total of 35L?), i had enough stuff to last me 40+ days (much of it involved washing things in sink etc); and when i got to chinley, i had wealth of clothing (3 drawers almost full!). since the camino, i realize that i probably have enough stuff to last me nicely into my 50s. i still have stuff from the pack that i never had to use, so that's interesting.<br />
<br />
sometimes people say travelling widens your point of view, and that it WILL break your pre-disposition and biases. interestingly, the more i travel, i feel that it tends to confirm my biases, rather than break them. i dont really know what to make of it yet, but i am sure something will come of it. this includes good, as well as crappy biases. <br />
<br />
this trip brings no. of countries ive been to 39. by end of the summer, with last trip planned (malta), i wouldve been at 40 countries by age 40. i feel very lucky to be able to have done that, and during my travel, especially in south korea, when reconnected with extended family, i was touched once again for the enormous sacrifices my parents made to get us to canada- i wouldve been (couldve been?) a completely different person if we stayed in s korea. while i cannot say which is better, i am grateful that they took such enormous step. thanks momdadgranny.<br />
<br />
also visiting with fam, gabe popped up a lot. A LOT. many still missed him, and i guess growing old means collecting dead people in our lives. lol. but it's true. it's not terrible, it's just what it is. and there's no way around it.<br />
<br />
for now, it's taking daytime bath, washing everything i ever packed on this trip (im even tempted to wash my backpack. it was that sticky, humid and full-on, haha), and being slightly terrified- of the idea perhaps i missed out on 'life,' by not being in the thick of self-promotion, grabbing gigs, competing with the world, etc., but then if anything involves living, that is being okay with not being in the front line, and being okay with plain-old-myself. that it is fine, to not join the race (toi toi toi the ones who are striving in the race though!).<br /><br />my potatoes are done.<br />
see you tomorrow blog. it's nice to be back.piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-14203396160375293762018-12-26T12:43:00.001-05:002018-12-26T12:44:15.332-05:00holiday thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5vz4ZqKF-3JSlwfXD4Xz9ezsAIWh2hpWnH62ZVMvi05FU_4c3URxpxctbdxdIz9FqFOkymaemU9ckkwKbSRreOsrIpPzEDt41DoRAp62oix6Qs626xyHZGuG0i0nmWhVFEJi0hRHlLo/s1600/Vincent%2527s_Chair_with_his_Pipe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1237" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5vz4ZqKF-3JSlwfXD4Xz9ezsAIWh2hpWnH62ZVMvi05FU_4c3URxpxctbdxdIz9FqFOkymaemU9ckkwKbSRreOsrIpPzEDt41DoRAp62oix6Qs626xyHZGuG0i0nmWhVFEJi0hRHlLo/s320/Vincent%2527s_Chair_with_his_Pipe.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
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vincent (v gogh)'s chair, with his pipe</div>
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holidays are difficult, arent they?<br />
<br />
not that they are innately difficult, but the idea of celebration and importance of the occasions themselves can lend headaches and heartaches aplenty.<br />
<br />
as im on the all-time-consuming duty of lazing by the fire and eating silly things, i have time in my head. and lots of things swim around it.<br />
<br />
we favour tradition during these times, and tradition, inevitably highlights changes.<br />
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some changes are great. some, not so much.<br />
<br />
in fact, im certain it's the heartaches that stays with us longer. lost things, lost people. times gone by and things that will never be. and no longer be.<br />
<br />
news of births and celebrations are welcomed highly, but there are also news of unhappiness. slow news. fast news. no longer a news but a fresh heartbreak.<br />
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all kinds, just like fruitcake bits.<br />
<br />
looking at social media pictures and postings, i realize that this is THE time to be happy. and that many of us will be trying our very best to be happy. often, the giddiness of the season makes it impossible to share out anything that may seem not-so-festive.<br />
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of course, many of us are happy. and trying for happiness is a valiant effort.<br />
<br />
but i do know, and i think of those who would be experiencing the very first significant absence and loss this year.<br />
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empty chair.<br />
<br />
and those who are lonely, alone, and lost, i also know that often, there is not much relief to come immediately. things often move slow.<br />
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wish you all a safe holiday. no one may guarantee happiness or resolution. the divide between happiness and crushing loss are so thin. one second here, next, there. if anyone needs support, holler out. i probably am already thinking of you this holiday. much love.piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5327547332172552144.post-14312287595843123612018-12-04T14:52:00.002-05:002018-12-04T14:52:34.626-05:00sunlight. now.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc21or3yt2zrV2mMz3u41Jit3jXPCI_N7frgZo2FUfhWyLapeg5EhTuhiXyWPRF4ghFJOBSJIRHGfZfawXn4K_5vyJzC9QkIH8-B42nGR9XYVkXyurNuCvaTBMJfsCiiJYReDG6RVQVX0/s1600/Hopper-Sun-in-an-Empty-Room-ED-5b06240e3de4230039da12f7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1159" data-original-width="1600" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc21or3yt2zrV2mMz3u41Jit3jXPCI_N7frgZo2FUfhWyLapeg5EhTuhiXyWPRF4ghFJOBSJIRHGfZfawXn4K_5vyJzC9QkIH8-B42nGR9XYVkXyurNuCvaTBMJfsCiiJYReDG6RVQVX0/s320/Hopper-Sun-in-an-Empty-Room-ED-5b06240e3de4230039da12f7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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sunlight in empty room, 1963, edward hopper, oil on canvas</div>
<br /><a href="https://youtu.be/x4gXCsdFlbU">https://youtu.be/x4gXCsdFlbU</a><br /><br />apparently this november was the<a href="https://www.theweathernetwork.com/news/articles/southern-ontario-cloudy-november-toronto-cloudiest-month-since-december-2014-seasonal-affective-disorder-sun-starved/117836"> darkest (least sunlight) november</a> recorded in toronto.<br /><br />but today, it's all sunshine.<br />the buildings are puffing continuous cloud (finally proper cold again), and the sky is pale blue with light gold tinge to it. things have shadows and it is glorious to lay in bed with sun stroking my hair.<br /><br />im supposed to be working at home,<br /><br />but i really just cant. this is really gorgeous.<br /><br />i guess the sun will start to set early enought (440pm), to arrive at dusk for 513pm.<br />so may be it is okay to noodle and in sunshine.<br /><br />my first instrument of choice was the oboe.<br />(i wasnt given one, HAHA)<br /><br />mom and i gather i couldnt be older than 3 (remembering things that were in the room in my memory). i was sitting on patch of sunlight in our old old house in seoul. we lived near the airport, so seeing the contrail (i still love them and their amazing arc) was quite normal.<br /><br />that day,<br />in that gold patch of sun,<br />came on mozart gran partita: adagio.<br />and when the oboe solo started,<br />a new fresh white line appeared on blue sky.<br />blue and clear, like today.<br /><br />this memory is fading, and i really have to remind myself to 'remember' it once in awhile, so that i wont ever lose it. it is quite special.<br /><br />so im musing to myself,<br />watching the contrail from nearby island airport planes, and once again, oboe soars on the speaker.<br /><br />it's all pale gold.<br />glorious.<br /><br /><br />piano monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11326815041203661919noreply@blogger.com0