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the violence of spring

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spring returns brutishly below the beautiful petals transparent against the blue  is the strength that pushed through the frozen solid ground  with absolute conviction, it draws from the depth, pushes it up and up and up, little bulbs covered in papery brown skins turn into living fanfare despite all the concrete the bird songs echo off the glass menageries dead brown twigs surge with green blood  when the light hits just right everything alive is beautiful and bright flaunting victory over the days of hunched shoulders and white knuckles the absence hits with a deafening scream we are all back in the midst of this madness through it all, death carves out laser sharp edges of ones in eternal stillness where nothing changes gentle spring kind spring violent and unstoppable spring the light makes it possible to see the hollows where no shadow casts as it is empty i called mom and said that spring returned with a thundering conviction of repetition- we didnt say but we both heard the othe
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black garlic making

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so in january, i decided that i am buying a toy. i was initially looking at a dehydrator, used, under 40.  this proved to be quite difficult- it seems that all the decent dehydrators for decent prices were all sold out and just wasnt available anywhere in the used item market- i blame the legalization for 420. pot became regal in canada on 17 october 2018, and with a little bit of time, i think many people are now on the dank tomato bandwagon, growing stuff in tin-foiled closets-  i support this hypothesis with abundance of advertisement about 'serious' growing lights and portable hot house kits that all the sudden started to appear in the city. then i started to hear people talk about home crop. then i realized that many would now have good production going on, a good year and some later, and probably wants to dry some for 'sharing.' long story short, in search of kitchen toys, i ran into a good priced sous-vide : the meat jacuzzi. it keeps a water bath at a constant t
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last sundown, 2020

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this year's been weird. bizarre enough that everyone lost something.  an abstract loss- of perceived sense of freedom, of certain projected future, or a definitive, objective loss- of self-identity, jobs and careers, routines and loved ones, or loss that is so vast that it cannot be defined just yet, because it IS still ongoing, this may be the first thing to agree in 2021- that we all lost (something) in 2020. of course, like mushrooms that come up during the cusp of fall and winter, more thoughts will come up, post-2020. and yes, there'll be positives too.  im not downplaying the silver lining.  just that it's okay to grieve if you are grieving. my heart goes out to people who lost, and are in process of losing- whatever it may be, whoever it may be- i have one fewer person to greet tomorrow, 01 january 2021, than a year ago. as i may make myself a ricecake soup- a korean traditional tteokguk, signifying- a year older. a year gone. both negatives and positives. and everyt
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hows yer crew? and your money? and trust?

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so my parents are in process of moving part of their money to my credit union. my dad's been suspecting that sometimes, professionals who work for immigrant communities exclusively, are often too comfortable with clients' trust (and their limited resources for fact-check things in second/third language), and that leads to missed details, etc. so though moving their $ to my cu would mean free running around for them (by me), i thought at least i should do this for them. *remind me that i did say yes, i would help, cuz i think i prob swear about that at some future point HA HA HA. and so dad's things' in transit, and we were to look into mom (as she missed in-person appt due to back problem); and then suddenly, a text from my $ manager: hey can i call? okay, sure!  first thing he says: hey im sorry me: what? huh? what happened? he then explains that cu just recently got on with upcoming promo where rrsps being transferred will be eligible for 1% bonus starting 2021 jan. a
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termination and continuation

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they say: 21/90. takes 21 days to freshly form a habit, and additional 90 days to make it a life change. 15124. days with granny. last night, i flash thought: should call her. havent called her in awhile. then flash reaction: that is no longer necessary. 8. days since she's left. most of the time, it takes much time to unlearn a 'thing,' whatever it is.  and sometimes, it is quite impossible.  i still think of texting gabe at times. i guess i will still think of calling granny for awhile. expectations help us build a frame in our minds. and we hold onto those expectations, because what we know is just what we think we know, especially in the matters of life.  it's nice to have contrary stuff, just to peg things into place, as our minds wander, make stuff up, and justifies everything without even a slight consultation with consciousness. then- we adjust. we all do. sometimes we resist.  sometimes we just dont know. i will find out, how this is all going to turn out. havi
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goodbye day

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i went to see her early today and one of the things i asked was: when i grow up, what kind of person would you like me to be? she said: of course, you are already good, but you could work hard to become super-famous pianist and be gentle-hearted. i said: you cant really be gentle-hearted and powerful at the same time (chuckle) she said: really? i see... i said: pick one! she said: then.... be the very best gentle-hearted person you can be. i was going to return tomorrow morning early at 8am, so i can get some work done later in the day. at 6pm, i put on mahler 9th and felt restless. so i decided to take a bath. while the water ran, i debated whether i should go back to see her then. out of a blue. a dense nudge in the heart. i did not. but i did search for 'how to give bath to seniors.' thought it would be nice to give her a bath, if possible- i bet she hasnt had one in awhile, and she used to love it. then around 8, mom called. the universe as i known it, shattered itself in a
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goodbye practice day 6: roses and magpie gifts

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whenever i used to go visit granny, i used to bring whole bunch of snacks. snacks that i like. snacks that she likes. snacks that she can shower the entire home friends and staff with. but as she isnt eating, snacks arent really an option anymore.  she's drinking some fluids and some loose mixtures, but that's about it. ive been bringing her snacks since i started to make my own money back at age 13. and now what? and as she's curling her tail, there isnt much stuff i could get for her. it's all unnecessary. it's amazing how many things can quickly become unnecessary.  ive joined a social media group about slow medicine, a practice in walking with persons in their last steps.  and i learned small things, like combing her hair, is a nice sensory experience. and ive been pouring over their suggestions. and a few suggested 'scents.' she's now put her anchor in her room. i dont think she'll get out of that little room much. she's got a big window and
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