sweaty hugs and a good bye

it came with a little 'ding' from the phone. i scratched my eyes to see what the day brought already! it was only about 7am.

from mom. on a cheery yellow background.

'... and i called big auntie and she said yeouido auntie has gone to heaven. it wouldve been around night time here. she was asleep. i feel a bit lost for words.'

my mom has many siblings. and as kiddies, we didnt call them by names, like proper little koreans. we called them by nicknames. the first, the eldest aunt was called big auntie. her second sister lived in fancy house in yeouido (thats gangnam style for you, haha).  then there's the only boy in the mix, so he was just called uncle. then pharmacy auntie (she operated pharmacy and is certified eastern traditional medicine practitioner), then bupyeong auntie (who lived in bupyeong).

when i was little, we were quite close. dad being the only child, most of our family activities were with mom's family; dad had cousins and stuff, but i dont think they were quite close as mom's fam was.  i guess that's the distance that relationships build by definitions.

on major holidays and other random days, whenever we get together, men gathered to play some hwatu: that infamous korean card game, on the mat that was pulled out. there would be bottles of weak korean beer and strong soju.  many small, medium and large talks were made across the floor. they really did get along, i felt. food made and carried in and out, constantly, by aunties and cousins. there were lots of laughter and since it was mostly at big auntie's house (who had househelper ladies), thankfully it was not as pressure-crazy as it couldve been. that kitchen was magically churning out amazing stuff...

because mom's the youngest, we three (bros and me), were considered mostly useless in practical sense (ex.not trustworthy with hot bowls of soup), and so we kinda hung around and did 'cute' things.

to stay out of busy aunties and gaming uncles, the usual options would be :
1. being highjacked by girl cousins (who were already getting married and was in university/highschool, etc), and was made to be a play doll (makeup, hair things etc), which i hated,

2. go stay with boy cousins, and was made to watch endless bruce willis or chow yun fat movies, which was also equally terrible.
so i often ended up sitting by the hwatu matts.

my yeouido uncle was a loud man. he talked big, he laughed big. so i would sit by him usually, and then...

yeouido auntie would come, from nowhere, i swear. and she would lift me up, bury my face in her chest, and she would even bite me on the cheek when she was being expressive:
OOH ITS THE LITTLE GIRLIE!

there was no way around it.

so you know. breath squeezed out. stuffed hot in someone's bosom. cheeks filled with kisses, and often these bites.  YOU ARE TOO CUTE! COME AND LIVE WITH US!

see, yeouido immo (auntie) only had two boys. she always wanted to have a little girl, so whenever she saw me, the youngest of my generation, i was open target for her affection.  her and uncle would often talk 'openly' about their abduction plan, how they will take me away from home and i will be a princess, that i wont need any of my snotty brothers EVER.

i liked this ritual. i liked being special in her eyes. i felt loved and that was probably the only reason i tolerated being bitten on the cheeks. they lived in a fancy house with big stereos (uncle was a proper well-to-do architect with his own company); they even had an egg chair. of course, whenever we visited, we were carefully and nonsubtlely reminded to NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING by momdad and the househelper lady. lol.  especially the LPs. not the LPs!!

we left s.korea in 1992.  i first and lastly returned to visit in 1997. and i felt like such an outcast, i havent felt the need to go back yet.  in summer of 1997, i did spend much time with family, but as i grew and got busy with life, especially after the trip, my extended family became something of a memory- like potpurri, it's there and sometimes, with random change in room temperature or wind direction, it pops up into your nose.

i last saw her when she visited toronto with other auntie (may be one more?) on a packaged tour of northeastern america; we went to their hotel and spend an evening.

but when i read text from mom, it all came back. the crushing hugs. hot, stuffed house full of relatives. the obligatory oppressive kisses. the proposition to go live with yeouido auntie and uncle, the delicious option of ditching my brothers at momdad's.

i tried picture her face. i could not.
i have some digital pics mom sent in her last trip to korea.

but i did not want to take a look at those photos.

as they are not what yeouido immo is, to me.

for me, she will be that big hug that obliterated the world. enveloping me and covering my eyes and ears, with her body enveloping small me. she was the warmth, softness, and of course, bitey kisses on the cheek.

i think it's not too sad that i cannot draw her face in my mind.

i think it's nice that she is more tactile than anything i could think of.  she was the warmth. every family get together. with muffled voice above my little head: we are going to take you!

i will put on a sweater today i think. at 21'c with 84%, it is probably an overkill. but i want to.

i will probably sweat a little bit, wearing too warm of a thing for the day.
and i will probably chuckle. at my own effort to bring her back once again, in my mind.  that slightly too warm, too big of a hug.

i love you, yeouido auntie.
i know you did love me too.

ive heard it in our internet phone conversations last winter.
but most surely,

ive felt it. and i still do.