a day in the life of piano monkey

when i was a very young kid, i was sent to the seaside, once every summer. my mother was youngest of pack of six, and since mom and dad both were from seoul, we didnt really have direct family relations out of the city.  luckily, a few of her sisters' in-laws had places out of the cities, so mom would ever so carefully pack a backpack for me, for a few days, and my eldest girl cousins would take me with them, to the seaside. that particular summer, my cousins decided that i was old enough to make choices. i made many mistakes. on way down, on the train, i gorged on salty and fatty snacks. i was allowed dip my own fingers into the bags, take however much i wanted.  silly me, i made myself very ill, very quickly.  i remember desperately putting my head out of the moving train, throwing up.  my cousins wiped my face with cool, wet tissues, half-amused and half-grossed out.  in midst of such mess, i remember looking up. i still remember how blue the sky...

staying in england during brexit, having loved ones' birthdays (happy b day, granny, mom, julian!), observing rio 2016 preparations and travelling through several different economic regions sthis summer, i become, once again, curious of money as an emotional thing. recently i have heard from a young one (early 20s) that he thinks he figures that he wont have much and he never really will; this was quite a surprise. in cambodia, they were using us dollars as base currency, because their own currency, riels, is too weak to actually have much purchasing power. i changed my 20 american dollars to riels and learned it the hard way. this is the summer where things are not costing me exactly double (when spending in pounds), which allowed me to head out to barcelona to see a dear friend. there, we paid fairly (and handsomely) for one of the most beautiful projects in the world, sagrada. in london, my wallet leaks.  london trasit capping at about 10 pounds, and zone 1 travel comma...

rescued people from the notorious seafood slavery business http://interactives.ap.org/2015/seafood-from-slaves/ yesterday, at grocery store, j was looking for some shrimps to buy, which led to this little video that ive seen awhile ago. https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2014/jun/10/supermarket-prawns-thailand-produced-slave-labour a short summary: 1. thailand's shrimp industry is one of the biggest in the world, and if you have bought shrimps in discount at local groceries, you probably bought the ones that are related to this modern day slavery. looking back at my southeast travel this summer, i do believe that the industry's full of human trafficking and illegal trades (especially from lesser robust economies such as myanmar and laos), and that there are just not enough attention to be paid for human rights or labour issues. 2. most of seafood comes from wild-harvesting, not 'farming.'  there are only very few species that we can succes...

behold, khao soi @ khao soi samerjai, chiang mai, 60 bahts from end of may, it's been a whirlwind of movements- to eastcoast, back to toronto, hop on the plane, go to spain for yet another brilliant birthday trip, then off on solo sojourn in northern thailand and cambodia, and now, finally back home. which home: my close friends will ask. bouncing between two home, of yyz and man, the concept of home is a very simple one for me.  it's place where i feel 'at home,' with loved ones, where i can let my guard down (did you know that sleeping in new places keeps your brain up? so home is a place that wont happen) https://www.newscientist.com/article/2085409-sleeping-away-from-home-half-your-brain-is-still-awake/ with the ongoing situations of refugees all over the world, fight to keep doors closed to others (brexit or us election campaign, anyone?), very real face of poverty i saw in asia (especially in phnom pehn), i am certainly appreciative of calm of home...

beresford, new brunswick spring 2016 summer sun rose, with humid air, pearly blanket that holds on to every bit of heat. we had no spring to speak of, not the ones with cherry blossoms scattered on street, for each step to be dyed pale pink. nevertheless, the leaves came. they unfurl, grow, towards the sun, unafraid, no waiting, certainty. tulips will fade soon,  lights long and hot, water glass covered in dew. mirage. on the road. cars. houses. people. departing soon, to east to east to east where i will chase the sun, of stories, not of mine, but to make it mine. but for now, im a pool of blue. a small puddle of blue. but it will lift, like a fog, once i am airborne. if you blinked you wouldve missed spring. like a bubble, it was, this year. started so tiny, filled up with hope and air, and it popped. gone. it was beautiful. and it wont ever return again. when i go back to my heart to revisit, it will chang...

mother wanted to sleep. i clearly did not. mother sang to me. i cried and fidgeted. colicky baby. mother wanted to teach me. i wanted to teach her. mother wanted me to say yes. i said nothing, stormed out. mother left me a message. in frustration, i pressed '7' immediately. then regretted as soon as i hung up the voice mail. i call back with smile, with smidgen guilt. i give her advice. i buy her iron supplements. i gently pull her away from extra groceries, as cart is full and so is my fridge. she cant stop though. what if mother wasnt there to tell me all the things im doing wrong of the importance of my wacky haircuts inquiring about my incomes as musicians always seem to be in brink of debt packing me way too much food that i leave half of it in the car what if i think of calling her up texting silly cartoon emoticons and nothing came back one day time will flow and i will have to look inside to find her that she is there may...

today, my work brought me to a quite an important junction point of many people's lives: russell hartenberger's retirement concert at the faculty of music, full of percussionists of all ages and times. especially the young ones. snowy april, dreadful outside. but people trickled in all afternoon, carrying snare drums, for the snare drum olympics (haha this is an annual ritual… i wonder if i can find a vid clip of it); and by 730pm, the walter hall lobby was full of friends, families, students, mentors, just people who shared memories, laughters and marking of passage of time. all these people came because they have been given something real when they crossed prof hartenberger+nexus. nexus is bit special, the first percussion group that became a western classical music standard format.  AND they are all good people. throughout their entire career, life and performance. https://youtu.be/h2Rm8oFIMmk *here's a lovely performance from 1980s! i have seen them in so man...

caravaggio: kiss of judas, c. 1602 often people are surprised to learn that i used to be a catholic bible study champion in entire city of seoul, way back when i was twelve. i remember meeting the cardinal for the ceremony.  wearing my sunday best, eyes casting down, i was somewhat confused what the big deal was, as i have not learned how big, powerful and old the catholic tradition was.  after all, south korean isnt one of the 'traditional' catholic countries.  my dad, upon religion shopping, chose catholicism for the family (a whole another story about that).  since my mother was heavily involved in the local church community, i grew up with loads of bible stories in my childhood. some things did not make sense and some things raised questions rather than answers.  but as a little kid, most of my life didnt make much sense, so i just chose to let the differences go and did my bible studies.  the fact there was a league and i could do well in it...

https://youtu.be/hma1ug9Rl6w *could have been: by david braid born to be blue- the initial interest for this movie came from a small update from a dearest friend during TIFF 2015: hey, i wrote movie tracks- argh, it was not possible to get to the sold-out showing then.  finally, today, coupla months later, i cleared schedule to go see it as it's doing a briefest stint of a week at the lightbox.  the project intersected so many lives of utoronto- i went with curiosity and beaming enthusiasm for friends and teachers. then i walked out the theater with blue, smudging off from my trail, as melancholia filled my heart and brought down the daunting weight of the pursuit of happiness. a young boy from the big field of oklahoma whose life consisted of repeated launchings into the stratosphere of highest euphoria and the consequent crashes, whose life could have been full of- well, i did end up being full of beauty which was sustained through consumption of his own life, ove...

https://youtu.be/VWPFqWXSeVM often, feelings come at rather inconvenient times. more one tries to escape, more one gets sucked in, to the bottom of the maelstrom.  in midst of drowning, reality shatters, death- if briefly. today's morning was full of big, heavy wet snow, turning into freezing rain. big flakes being guided by the wind, slapping against the waterproof jacket hood.  hazy, heavy and opaque. not at all calm, menacing, as it continued to pour down these big frozen tears. i often wonder what is going on in midst of something beautiful.  when i see beauty, do you also see beauty? but what do you see? and what do i see? what did anyone else see? it is fleeting, it may not even last long enough to register into one's own consciousness. some days, the familiar beauty, in conjunction with other alertoric passage of the day, becomes too hot to handle- and one falls into the alternate reality- the reality comprised solely of imagination, memories and project...

image from twitter http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/10/us/politics/new-hampshire-primary.html 1. glad to see bernie pushing through. if this was back in 2008, i wouldve been in the bandwagon for hilary.  but 8 years later, gratefully, feminism had time to cultivate next generation of girls who are willing to be more inclusive, of other minorities- the poor, undereducated, legally suppressed; this is progress, where women feels less pressure to concentrate all their voting influence for the single reason of female figure(s) visibility.  i understand the older women's frustration, but in contrary, they should be proud of us, the girls, for being able to reach out to larger minority: the have-less, even if that means overseeing age and gender of sanders 2.  trump's lead among the conservatives arent surprising.  he polarizes and other nominees appear to be moderate in comparison to trump, hence the even split on the field among kasich, cruz, bush and rubio. ...

http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/beyonce-performs-during-super-bowl-50-between-the-carolina-panthers-picture-id508986958 so there it was, 50th superbowl halftime show, with cold play, bruno mars and beyonce. and yes, YOLA (youth orchestra of los angeles).  shot with new drone cams, i thought it looked bizarre. i personally enjoyed last year's katy perry's show better, but it's probably all to do with the left shark. haha. then the postings started. about how cold play was outshadowed by beyonce. about the weird visual effects from mashing drone feeds with wide cams. and oh. the tragedy of 'underappreciation' for classical music. huh what? so superstar orchestra conductor did not get same visibility as beyonce. YOLA kids did not get their own segment. but with beyonce on program, even coldplay couldnt fight her for the attention.  i wondered why is the conductor even on the side of the stage- as the drummer, heavily amped, was clearly marking beats for ...

http://www.musicaltoronto.org/2016/01/21/the-scoop-u-of-t-faculty-of-music-unveils-plans-for-new-concert-hall/ the lone planetarium, which closed its operation back in 1995, may get a second life now, as part of university of toronto expansion; since it sold to utoronto in 2009, many ideas floated around but this winter, a public announcement was finally made about its future: new building for history, islamic studies and music department- possibly a new chamber hall, 250-seats. i hear much complaint that the faculty of music facilities are way out of date and that it is inadequate and that NO ONE CARES. this hurts me a bit, because when people say 'no one cares,' it seems as if people are acting 'as if (they) no longer care,' whatever the reason is. every time i see a broken thing, trashed floor and uncared, tossed garbage at work, i am slightly disappointed.  yes, we grew out of building and we are cramped. it is worn and busy but really, music can happen he...

the city of 2.615 million minus one nothing no elation sorrow cold wind on red nose warmth in heart on way home spring in steps on way to work dinner getting cold as it taste of nothing wolfing down every scrap in the fridge because it is improbable that nothing taste of something but that it is the world through a filter bit of a joke so hipster blurry filter imitating the old days muted pixelated artificially aged as if if the days are actually old old enough to be transparent like apparition of leaves once green and alive now transparent golden bristle wings wings that arent attached to anything time flowing without reference dulled senses days and nights rolling into muddle trying to hold onto the beauty that everyone's pointing at may be an anchor drowning slowly perhaps a dream a desiccation a shell left behind

mousie from winter 2015 winter journey up to northbay! hullo 2016. there are many posts from 2015, sitting half-done, yawning.  i am holding back in hope that i can tame some of the wordings that may be too provocative, too condemning, too.. whatever. because, after all, the aim of expression through this blog is to explore, rather than defy or repel others. so perhaps i will stick to simple thoughts. today: consumption. i had not such an expensive christmas and i am grateful. i didnt go out shopping,agonizing on gifts, or went on a seasonal whim on surprise found-things. not because i want to be a scooruge, but because there wasnt a need for it. and i was lucky to be able to do so, because people around me are also quite chill about seasonal consumption. thank the lord. i did get a few things for a few people, but it was not necessarily connected to christmas- just things that people needed/wanted and that i wanted to give. we did spend a bit of dough going up to no...

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/09/he-called-her-a-slut-she-got-him-fired.html?source=TDB&via=FB_Page oh dear. as bit of free time returns, i start to poke my nose around the world once again and hey, it's always full of surprises and semi-tragedies.  well, there are real tragedies as well, but those are sincere situations which deserves a bit more respect than what i tend to hand out on my blog posts. the recent one is about aussie feminist writer and a man who was fired because he called her a slut. the writer ms. ford wrote about chauvism.  mr. nolan wrote on her facebook, calling her a slut. ms. ford wrote to his employer (a hotel chain). the employer fires mr. nolan. then the firework ensued. many people are angry about ms. ford 'ruining' a man's life. im kinda confused. 1. yes, there is the right for free-speech in australia. 2. so a feminist writer can write about chauvinism. 3. a person can protest her point of view in public. 4....

https://youtu.be/V5UOC0C0x8Q just over the weekend, i heard about death of one of my favorite singers, scott weiland. his raw voice paired with the bands (stone temple pilots and velvet revolver) were a big part of my auralscape as a teenager. or perhaps it was his continuous fight with his own demons- depression and substance abuse that made it even more real- a typical, therefore real, falling angel. angel with the wicked voice and the weird intoxicating mixture of glam and destruction. during first couple years of my immigrant life, there were moments i felt lost, isolated and worthless. i do not think i had particularly strange teenage years. i dont think anyone had it easy. but perhaps it's the combination of his voice in the music and the strange collection of words in his songs that i built my symbiosis- with my north american life, with growing up, with english language. back in korea, being an elementary school kid, i was not allowed to listen or watch pop mus...

this semester, i play for a local community choir, every monday night. as the winter creeps on, everyone shows up through the darkness, steps light with excitement, to a beautiful church in midtown toronto.  i first got to know them as an assistant engineer, recording their winter and spring concerts. always interesting music and congenial people. liked them enough as an outsider, that once an opportunity came up to audition for the accompanist job, i jumped onto it. re:choir members, i dont really know the individuals too well yet.  they are a bit older (than univ kids); they got stories and histories to share, but because the rehearsals run so efficient, there is not enough time to catch up on people! i find this bit funny. ha ha. may be next term, i can be more strategic to get to know them better! what i do know is that the group works very well. that they got a great atmosphere and they really do want to/do sing out. every monday night. probably at home as well. ...

melencolia 1, durer, 1954. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvm7Hnii-6U&list=PL2FEA1645BA0A5D3B&index=17 tis a real turn toward winter today. the lightest, but real flurries in the pale sunlight. 3pm afternoon is no longer full and round, but pale gold with hint of grey blue. and by midnight, the world is quieter. much more quieter. only the softest whispers of stars, if they havent covered themselves up with clouds. we say hello to the decline to the next apex couple weeks ago, on halloween.  grey dove feathers fly into the door steps, with echos of once beating hearts.  and one night, leaves fall. they no longer dance with the wind. they break. they shred. tiny pieces. till no more. tis a hard time, autumn. i love the melancholia of autumn. i love the simple reminder, cinis in cinerem, pulvis in pulverem.  ashes to ashes, dust to dust. without the dark night velvel blanket, i suppose the glistening lights and gentle shadows of people indoors wont...

i will slap on some hashtags, add colour filters to my profile pic, and post some links. cuz, im doing my part. i tossed and turned in confusion last night. and today, the sun is already shining, reflecting on the lake, albeit loads clouds hover along the horizon. out of habit, i check what the world is saying, over the web. i often try to tell myself this is normal, to see the world through the web. so many memes. so many pictures. so many condolence statements. so many prayers. i lost it for a few sec. prayers? really? are you kidding me? they blew up paris, in middle of their lovely friday night out, in name of god and we are sending prayers?  we are proud that we chose blue, white and red for our LEDs which illuminates our big and expensive civic icons? concert hall, restaurants, national level football stadium, all quite expensive and 'nice' places to be. we, the haves, walked around in this feeling of safety, strolling, thinking of probably 'nic...