23.2.09

story retold

by some sort of bizarre spunk of life, i had the great pleasure, or should i say, shock of meeting up with one of my old friends, actually, one of the very first friends i met here in canada, in this continent, last night in banff. it was exciting enough to just to think of it that i forced self to eat in solitude so that i will be ready to pop out of the door when she calls!

for one reason or other, i lost touch with almost all of my highschool friends. i guess there were only very few 'friends' to begin with, therefore, losing them was much easier- as you lose one, you also lose another link that connects you to another person, so on and so forth, therefore, if you have smaller pool to pull from, there is less chance of reconnecting by chance. and i had a pretty shitty time in my ahem, teenage angst years (in this case i think i will just end up having angst life though), therefore perhaps i was trying to getaway from all that uneasy bits of memories and recollections. like as if you dont see, it does not exist. how foolish. but we all do it.

whenever i try to look her up, i was always faceplanted to the great wall of unfiltered informations. she's got a reasonably common name and on search on facebook burped up 226 hits and on goggle gagged up staggering size of mess. so it just took awhile to find her. like 7-8 years. gosh.

anyways, like nothing have changed, except most things have changed, where weve been, where and how our families are, the works, aspirations, falls, scabs, battle marks etc. she's been busy playing a mean guitar all over the bloody places, and i was so happy to hear that, as it is so easy to either lose self in mediocrity and comfort, or even worse, just be stagnant and die in the music world. it gets even better when one does not even know that they are already dead. living the life of faded shadows.

interestingly enough, we are both at the same point in life, i have no idea why or how that kind of things happen; weve been both playing and staying busy doing music and other things, however, decided that this kind of life is too complicated, too much emotions, too much cravings, too much madness,

JUST TOO MUCH!

sucks you in,
smashes you into pieces,
pulverize the bits that are still intact,
grind into a goo,
and let it dissipate.

so like i, making coffee in toronto starbucks, she's been in calgary, trying to get away, to see and feel what it is like to have a simpler point of vie, to live simpler. creepy enough, she got to calgary in last fall and i just got here in january. and i didnt get to touch with her until january, here we are, across half-way in canada, oddly enough, in alberta, just about 1.5hrs away from each other. weird eh.

i wont bore you all with the details of what we talked about, but there is a great common thread. that late 20-early 30s dilemma: where am i heading to? for what? for whom? where? how?

WHY?

but weve known each other since we were in elementary school. we dont even really remember how we became friends. i just remember that we spent much time together, like everyday. doing what? nothing in particular, but just being there, going through the burning passage of teenage years. and here we are, just out of that passage, somewhat grown a little, wanting to take a step back, trying to figure the directions and positions of things in our lives.
then she said something that is too true,

'you arent ready to dumb down and settle yet'

damn.
she knows me to bits.
and i kind of knew that im still a nomad.
i was just hoping that it was not so obvious,
so that i can just shut up, plug down somewhere,
and do something that is comfortable, easy, and ya, pay bills etc.
but here i am, back in this mad life style,
like coke addict or something,
you think you are done doing shits,
that you want to clean up,
get up, stretch, go do some work in exchange for money,
spend that money for small goods, find smaller things pleasurable,
and live a long steady stream of delicate balanced thread of life like freshly spun silk, just enough gloss to make things okay.

who am i kidding.
you know what's also flat, thin-line that progresses over time as a constant, not a variable?
a line, line of the lifeless body's hearbeat monitor screen.

in a sense, being here in banff, i am getting back into many sensations and emotions,
people say hey, man, good for you,
i dont know is it?
you cant just be awake for the pleasurable experience.
you must also take:

torn bits,
the bleeding bits,
the dead skin that you must rip off,
the urge to destruct so that you can see what's left,
that sticky residue on the rim of your wine glass the morning after,
the stench of the grotesque and damaged thoughts, disintegrating consciousness,
the selfish wantings and need for the sake of 'wants,'
the curiosity that makes you lift the cover over the lifeless in a morgue,
the need to bash your head into the wall just to see what the immense pain feels like,
the wish to pour gasoline on self, and when you are all soaked and high off the fumes, the pointless courage to take the match, grate it against the side of the box, and drop to ignite.

i was hoping that i could avoid all that.
most people wont even see it to begin with.
there are enough pretty things in life.
why dont i just look at those.
and if i need a change, dont look for the grotesque, abnormal, hideous-
just close my eyes and be happy with absence. the void.

i think it's too late again.
with that simple sentence, i feel that i realized that i have not stopped moving,
in fact, like the ball that's thrown into the air,
i accelerated, lost momentum, and came to a stop, a short pause,
and im slowly returning to where i started,
gaining a little speed every moment time shifts,
and probably ends up riding in the fast lane again,
faster than i can comprehend,
the emotions, feedback, images, intensity, drive, speed,
put into the pulverizer, whirling in mad speed.

i wonder if she feels the same after last night's meeting.

in anycase. i am was so stocked to see her last night and will make every effort to get to meet up as much as i can.
man, thanks for stepping back in my life,
you have no idea what your friendship meant for me way back,
and how much i have missed it over the years,
and how crazy it is to just pick up where we left,
oddly being in the same square of the game board.

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