rapture into the bluest water

often, feelings come at rather inconvenient times. more one tries to escape, more one gets sucked in, to the bottom of the maelstrom.  in midst of drowning, reality shatters, death- if briefly.

today's morning was full of big, heavy wet snow, turning into freezing rain. big flakes being guided by the wind, slapping against the waterproof jacket hood.  hazy, heavy and opaque. not at all calm, menacing, as it continued to pour down these big frozen tears.

i often wonder what is going on in midst of something beautiful.  when i see beauty, do you also see beauty? but what do you see? and what do i see? what did anyone else see? it is fleeting, it may not even last long enough to register into one's own consciousness.

some days, the familiar beauty, in conjunction with other alertoric passage of the day, becomes too hot to handle- and one falls into the alternate reality- the reality comprised solely of imagination, memories and projection. strong and irresistible; we fall on our knees, pleading for that hint of dignity, should we be in 'danger' of being vulnerable.

dropping heavy boots onto the floor, i opened the book, for the class. debussy's prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune. over the years, i got to know it intimately, for the conducting class. the sensuousness, the colours, sighs and feline curvatures.  like a cat youve known all your life- you can trace it in your mind, the warmth and softness of its breathing body.

there's that one favorite part of mine: mm. 55, d flat major.

we take the turn, somehow, we get to an open- vastly open and light-filled space. ocean blue, no cloud in the sky. brilliant platinum whites and deepest cobalt blue. the tang of the ocean and the endless horizon, flatter than silence.

i have seen this coast, in quiet and reclusive southern french coast of cap d'antibe, steps away from the bustle of nice.  chagall, matisse, monet and picasso painted here. with the vibrant colours that looks impossible under the indoor lighting of art galleries. it is of no fluke that cote d'azure have inspired so many painters.  we were there in the week of the nice carnival; it rained most of the time. we took solace in warm and dry indoor, looking out to the grey sea, warmed by the essence of the summer in our wine glasses. till the penultimate day, when the sun rose and everything became magic.

aquamarine water.
blue sky.
pale golden sun, warm on skin.

we walked along the coast. full of unreleased sighs.  the mind took it in, all of it, expanding all directions, of this golden sphere of moment.

and today, while expecting to feel this familiar coast, a surprise.

just this summer, i drove out with minnow to the west coast. and from west vancity, i drove straight to kelowna; winding road, rain-reduced visibility, then sleek surface with long and fast passages. it wasnt an easy drive but i had a destination.

i kept the GPS coordinate from the police report where my brother died six years ago.  ive been wanting to finish his drive from tofino, just half-hour short from kelowna.

we parked the car on the side of the road. it was during the darkest point of the night when he crashed (130am).  he would not have seen how deep the fall would be. or if there was a fall, awaiting for him, destiny.  but when we got to kelowna, the summer sun was high, things were perfectly beautiful. and the water, calmer than silence. once again. brilliant with refraction on surface. as if, nothing happened.

this morning, we were talking briefly about mahler 5 adagietta in regards to tempi. and came death in venice. of fleeting beauty. of intersection of lives. of the plague. of tadzio.

then rapture.
everything changed.

all i could see was- water. the infinite big blue water. d flat major. suffocation in the glorious water.  suspension of time. nullification of our lives. exaltation beyond the human flesh. and water, of cote d'azure, of the okanagan lake, blue.

oh how the tears fell.

i couldnt stop. the more i resisted, the stronger it pulled. as the music evolved into its glorious peak, i was pulled further and further under onto the heart of the maelstrom. invisible yet real, simultaneously.

tears fell for beauty. for longing. for loss. for vulnerability.

there came the hints of brutal spring and eternal summer and it left me this morning, in midst of grayest winter.

with messy aftermath of the big, unforgiving water, i walk through the day, with hint of salt and water in my mind. in my face.

what did you see this morning-
what did beauty do to you today-

*painting cred: cap d'antibe, monet (1888),
monet painted 40 landscape from antibes in jan-may 1899.


watching the neighbours' contest: and i do admire bernie

image from twitter


1. glad to see bernie pushing through.
if this was back in 2008, i wouldve been in the bandwagon for hilary.  but 8 years later, gratefully, feminism had time to cultivate next generation of girls who are willing to be more inclusive, of other minorities- the poor, undereducated, legally suppressed; this is progress, where women feels less pressure to concentrate all their voting influence for the single reason of female figure(s) visibility.  i understand the older women's frustration, but in contrary, they should be proud of us, the girls, for being able to reach out to larger minority: the have-less, even if that means overseeing age and gender of sanders

2.  trump's lead among the conservatives arent surprising.  he polarizes and other nominees appear to be moderate in comparison to trump, hence the even split on the field among kasich, cruz, bush and rubio.  the real challenge is when candidates start to withdraw.  should a moderate rise to the second position after bloody contest among themselves,  then i would worry.

3.  as long as trump ends up representing the republicans, the election has hope, as his attitude-his best asset, ironically may persuade the public to opt for the 'other'- sanders, yes, the socialist! gasp. and if trump heads republicans, then begrudgingly, democrats have to stick together. so it becomes a contest of: pro-sanders, anti-trumps and pro-trumps. anti-trumps, the minority then will decide the election.

4. if a moderate republican, say, bush, somehow gets ahead of trump for nomination, then it gets complicated.  similar to above, a contest of: pro- republicans (they will clump against democrats), anti-sanders (anti-socialists) and pro-sanders.  the division within the democrats can hand the win to republicans easy.

5. hilary's history of survival and success, ironically, is driving her away from previously supportive audience (esp the young women), as sanders' war on class puts hilary in a very emotional place for many.

6. trump's bullish personality is drawing people toward him; this trend will not stop unless people realize that a government simply cannot operate as for-profit business.  a government's roll is to allocate wealth within the system for citizens, not rolling the books to black.  in fact, because of its non-profit nature, government debts, especially in forms of bonds and loans within the country, is not necessarily bad, as debts then signifies investments (across generations).  however, foreign-sourced debts is a problem (i wonder how many americans are aware of countries such as china*with infrastructurs such as harbours and bridges, and united kingdom *through oil and manufacturing firms). and unlike trumps' failed enterprises, a government should not look into bankruptcy as an elective option (trump airline, taj mahal casino@atlantic city etc)

7. i need to wind down and go to bed. argh.


beyonce wins, always, of course!


so there it was, 50th superbowl halftime show, with cold play, bruno mars and beyonce. and yes, YOLA (youth orchestra of los angeles).  shot with new drone cams, i thought it looked bizarre. i personally enjoyed last year's katy perry's show better, but it's probably all to do with the left shark. haha.

then the postings started. about how cold play was outshadowed by beyonce. about the weird visual effects from mashing drone feeds with wide cams. and oh. the tragedy of 'underappreciation' for classical music.

huh what?

so superstar orchestra conductor did not get same visibility as beyonce. YOLA kids did not get their own segment. but with beyonce on program, even coldplay couldnt fight her for the attention.  i wondered why is the conductor even on the side of the stage- as the drummer, heavily amped, was clearly marking beats for the kiddies?

wait, was dudamel put on the screen to 'recognize' the classical musicians?

wait, why does classical music needs verification of its own merit from a football game?

the fact that we think we 'deserve' same 'status' as pop, i think, is a symptom of our own problems; not everything needs to be 'equal' to other things.  classical music is what it is, and as a person, most joy one will experience in classical music is through personal playing and appreciation.  certain things just dont translate successfully to certain format.

for me, it's bit like... happy personal relationship.  everyone likes to talk about the 'secrets' of successful personal relationship- advice columns, church tea gossips, text flirting, swiping left or right, etc... the entertainment magazines are all about 'relationships.'  but really, there is no way to translate that into such format, from it being so personal and dear, and different EVERYTIME for EVERYONE.  so no sane persons in good solid relationships would not seek validation from comparing selves to ... i donno, some celebrity marraige/breakdown.

i find it bit bizarre to see all these 'negative' reaction to the half-time show. after all, it is a football game half-time show...

as a special interest party, i think it's never too careful to not to value life totally based on all-other-things.  same as i do not really appreciate good lattes because i am lactose-intolerant (i do appreciate the craftmanship though. i just dont want one, therefore tend to be oblivious).

and though i dont really care for beyonce, i know that in pop culture, queen bey wins. and someone will be a winner. well. till next queen comes along, anyhow.

happy count-down to the controversial oscars! haha!!