nyc 1-4 sept 09

okay dudes

PO and monkey are arriving/leaving/doing the following (or hope to do so):

tues 1: arrive LGA at noon
A MUSEUM OF A SORT (moma's closed though, so it will be metropolitan vs. natural history)hope to catch vanguard show: motian, lovano, frisell (01-06 sept 09)@greenwich village, 7th ave and 11th st.35 for set, 830 or 1030 (prob 1030 shows if we are meeting up for supper and such)may have student discount212 255 4037 (call after 3)

lady liv, youn, would love to see you! enrico, what's your schedule like?

wednes 2:
A MUSEUM OF A SORT (perhaps moma or whatever jane fancies)
jane/sophie (jane's free all day and sophie's free after 4)- meet up?
hopefully supper/drink/coffee somewheres in midmanhattan or whatevers really
youn or jane do you know of any kickass korean restaurants in boroughs?

youn/chris/liv, you should meet sophie, another canadian pianist starting at manhattan,and anna/enrico would you be free at all?

thurs 3: A MUSEM OF A SORT (one of the three that have not been covered yet)
hope to catch iridium show, 7th ave and 51st, by times square35 for set, 830 or 1030 student discount@box office 212 582 2121
anyone wanna come to the show?
youn, chris and liv, would thursday afternoon/evening work at all??

fri 4:have no idea. whatever we've missed
enrico, anna, veronica and rob: are you free during the day at all?
LGA 3pm departure

so anyways, for span of 3 and a half days, we are hoping to cover 3 museums (one per day: moma, natural and metropolitan) during the 'daytimes' then see jazz sets on tues/thurs eve, which leaves afternoon/evenings free for dinner, coffee, beer whatevers.
we are located at the milford plaza@times square so location is central.i am bringing my laptop but will be looking for free wifi somewheres but my phone should have free texting. looking forward and please send me your numbers to my email if you are in nyc!!



i was rummaging through summer pics and thought these are much funnier than anything i could possibly say, esp. with current non-negotiable labour situation with gastrointestinal system. vs. rest of the body. enjoy. my city has nutter things and nuttier peeps. hooray.

Posted by Picasa

the last one. takes. crown. and. any.thing.else.it.wants.


good bye summer

this very evening, monkey sent a big chunk of her life off in a silver metal bullet across the puddle. now in this quiet space, the summer basket have magically hit the pumpkin moment and turned into an ordinary sublet, however nice. the end of the summer breeze, welcoming just couple days ago, now feels chilly.

the end of summer came a week ago, with that massive tornado/storm that hit southern ontario. monkey, mr. salamander and monkey's nutter brother were at canada's wonderland and unfortunately we were soaked, trying to get to the darn car in the parking lot. ever since that raging rain, the city has been dropping its sunglasses in favour for a long sleeved shirts and scarves.

sneaky end of the summer. it was also there at the CNE on monday. the evening air cool and crisp, the summer laughter and excitement being replaced by sobering evening wind and early setting sun. unlike the peak of the summer where sun is still felt from the hot asphalt ten pm in the evening, the road is cold to barefoot, forcing reappearance of socks and shoes.

and then there it was for monkey, today. last stroll for mr. salamander in in/famous yorkville, walls already plastered with TIFF posters (toronto international film fest, happens in sept), we casually went for an ice cream. a single scoop of summer blueberries. alas. a fatal choice. ever since that cone, monkey's been hit hard and heavy with massive acute gastrointestinal crisis. should i have been able to burp at will, i would be a happy camper i suppose, but at this point, after all those hours, the ice cream cone still sits heavy. mr. salamander described me as 'half-folded,' ha ha. funny as it is, it is still true. darn it.

summer ice cream cone is a sign of relief and enjoyment. frivolity and gaiety. instead, monkey is for some reason being rather cruelly subjected to unforeseen pain. but then who knows, it may not be the ice cream cone at all. it could be the simple fact that mr. salamander have officially boarded the flying silver bullet heading to east. he's probably skipping couple time zones, wave a greetings to an unruly puppy in 3tz, then land in MAN, where the usual mr. salamander life will greet him: friends, work, boys, uneven planes, etc.

curled up on way back from the airport, the cool evening was rather cruel to the skin. goosebumps everywhere. seeking refugee in hot water bath, monkey laid in the bathtub, which seemed infinitely big. so it was okay for me to shed a tear or two. not a big difference. all in the big pool of water, bubbles which eventually pops and disappears, faint smell of the bath soaps, and shivering, folded-in-half, big chunk of life sent off in a massive gargantuan object in sky, the hole, now filled with unyielding menace of former ice cream cone.

next week, am off to nyc. when i booked that ticket, i thought september would be a nice autumn time to visit nyc. no longer sweltering lingering heat of rotting garbages and sheer traffic. and yes, it is here. autumn have arrived. funny enough, rather than a gentle transition, all came to a change very suddenly, like a book with missing pages.

tomorrow morning, monkey'll be up with slightly reddish eyes (so i am a bit melodramatic) and hopefully renewed curiosity for life minus the stomach distress. plunge into fall of 2009. i just hope that fall of 2009 will fly swiftly as the sweet summer of 2009, to carry me over to the much anticipated winter of 2009. a new chapter. tabula rasa. awaiting. with all the crayons markers colours and hopes.


nutter days

a short saunter during the fuzzy hazy morning in yyz. things are splendid and unfortunately there isnt enough time to log in everything monkey's been up to recently. i think it perhaps is a sign that much good times have been had. however, this morning, i am up somewhat earlier than anticipated so decided to drop a few small sentences. just to keep in shape, ahem.

nothing philosophical or anything of a depth, perhaps just a short account for self and whoever may be curious why monkey has been so quiet. oh no worries. there has been much things to rant about and it's not because of lack of subjects but more of lack of... time. i would personally appreciate it a bit more if it could slow down just a bit this wknd and next wk, but is it going to? i dont think so. bah. what a tyrant.

since arrival of mr. salamander over the puddle, flinged across particularly unuseful body of water (for me anyhows just for now; i have funny feeling that it will become more useful sometime in the future. anyways, it's beautiful), following and bit more things have taken places:
(not in chronological order)

canada's wonderland
mr salamander meets old school friend
dream in high park: tempest (shakespear play in outdoor theater in high
park @ yyz)
live band salsa @ lily lounge
a shindig @ current basket
walk around in: kensington market
stroll in st. lawrence market
exploration in gaybourhood
munchings and laughters at mt. everest restaurant
ontario brew drinking in victory cafe
outside patio action in futures bakery
hart house and soldier's tower wandering
lazy afternoon in baldwin village
runningintofriends @ china town
coupla pints in queen west @rivoli
a short saunter in queen west to see gladstone/drake
meandering in little ethiopia/portugal
mild warning in fusateri's @ yorkville
amusements in general yorkville
drive-through forest hill mansions thanks to monkey bro
on foot on lakeshore boardwalks
quick visit to utoronto music fac
ice cream @greg's ice cream
old book stores @ annex
mr. salamander gets first streetmeat with encouragement of aussies
pants hunting
drive-head-to-wall lunch with gene pools
amusing korean catholic service
and there are still a bit more things thats been circled in:
dinner reservation at bro's work
spend time with PO's company
must (MUST) get to AGO and ROM ( ! )
CNE and funnel cake
indian festival
write post cards
visit to waterloo and back
it's all going rather fast and all the little holes in between have been filled with small things, the daily things, the important things, which i am very grateful for. there has been talk of a buddy of mine dropping by but it's still in the air and though he is most welcomed, i have funny feeling that it will just somehow be relocated to september (we ALL need schedule fairy). more the merrier but fewer does not mean any less merrier. it's perfectly fine and gracefully enjoyable.

this relative speed of time can be quite an annoyance, but in all things considered, it's been alright. i am a fool wishing that the time would just stop for a particular person, a situation, but there is no harm done by wishing, being temporarily delusional? knackered but happy. wishful but content. what a place and time to be, august 2009 @ yyz. i am fizzy and grateful for all who made last coupla days such an enjoyment. now, with vigor, to next part of this beautiful month we go.


god being not funny and it being seriously funny

continuing with the last brainsplatter, it is true- i dont remember reading much about satan outright killing people. but dang, almighty father does smite lots and lots of 'wrong' doers and the j-boy have had his tabloid moments as well, throwing stuff around in market areas, providing alcohol to minors and initiating a cannibalism.

but seriously, it's all for good fun. if you cant laugh about it, who will? once things get serious, it gets no fun. and if not fun, why do it? i used to advise my friends on their first dates: if your person isnt sarcastic, look very carefully to see some other trumping qualities. why? sarcastic people are rarely serious or overly bitter. it's a fine line to ride between laughter and cynicism. but like a well-balanced draught (my summer fav being the mill st. tankhouse ale right now. mm. tasty. ya, i know, i am really quite taking up on beer. thank... no one perhaps? it'll all add up in the midregion i am sure), a bit of sweet and bit of bitter goes a long way. there's a reason why kool-aid is so cheap. (though it is not sweet nor bitter, just artificial)

rather than me trying to be daft on crap sleep schedule (i think i slept enough for 3 nights for the duration of at least 4-5 days now. no wonder things NEED to be funny), here are some things i find inspiringly smartypants. enjoy. there's nothing like sharing a good laughter and as i look through the people i dearly love and wants to connect better toward, i cant help feeling a bit let down about particular peeps who i happen to be distant/ excommunicated/ avoided/ have no clue. if you see them, please send a hullo for me. and if you dont know who they are, well, you dont have to worry about it, aint it great??!? ha ha.

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"
Priest: "No, not if you did not know."
Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"”
Annie Dillard: american pulitzer winner for Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1975. b.1945

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist;
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(George Carlin)

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is (Francis Bacon)

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people (Victor Borge)

Nonsense is an assertion of man's spiritual freedom in spite of all the oppressions of circumstance (Aldous Huxley)

i think my next set of amusement may come with captioning some famous illustrations. any takers? i think this may be seriously fun. till next post, ttyl. i have a visitor to expect, wait, pick-up and then everything else.


midbosses can be terrible

monkey's been battered with stupid insomnia for couple days, well, nights recently. why? i have zero clue. i was thinking may be it's because my gastrointestinal system has been kinda touchy. then was it touchy and caused insomnia or did insomnia caused gis to be touchy? well, i dont really know. no worries. there are no real mess. just. that. feeling. of. oh. gawd. my. tea. is. still. there. and. it's. tea. time.

may be i am just not tired enough- it is true that monkey's a bum at the moment till sept., just some odd works here and there. at least till tuesday. then life'll fill up fast am sure. so came the desperate 8 miles runs. 8 miles is a quite a distance. not the distance i want to run for a fun. i would even debate whether i would run that far for my life. seriously. but why not. so i log to the ymca and ran twice. 16 miles in two days. huffing puffing sweaty the whole works. then a long soak. (im really making this insomnia glamorous at this point i think). result: bright eyed, if rather annoyed monkey at 3am. wtf.

the last resort would be pharmaceutical holiday. but, let's see if i would be that desperate. pharmaceutical holidays should be reserved for fun, not for practicality. by wednesday comes and im still not logging sleep, i am sure i will take some holidays. hoo..r...a... drool......y...

anyhows, monkey's playing organ. no, not that kind of organ. a church organ. now it sounds even more obscene. anyhows, im filling in my old post at the gigantic korean church for a bit, i will do that much for money. and a deity. and a whole a lot of people. and granny (the lady gets some unreasonable amount of happiness when i play at the church. weird).

anyhows, so last night, i timed-in at the north end of the town at the gene pools. civilized evening with gene pools and things were even alright. rather touching. now. let's remember this is only wknd no. 3. hmm..... and after a rather ungraceful struggle with skype (why is that things would just suddenly give you problems when you really want to use it? things arent stupid. i think they are actually too smart. bastas.), monkey desperately tried to sleep.

i read books that used to send me to bed. like some music ed textbook. why is it in my gene pools place? i think i rent it to the male gene pool and he used to glance to put himself to sleep as well. instead of bringing respite, it brought. well. annoyance and awareness (of all the holes in textbooks about education. i mean. how do you educate education?). i tried herbal tea with honey. sent me to bathroom half hour later. may be i should not have drank the whole pot. then tried taking a soak in the tub. got tooo interested in reading the back of the shampoo bottles (monkey's bro got this anti-balding shampoo and i was trying to figure out what makes it tick. still have no idea). listened to slow youtube clips of.. well, atmospheric bands. still nothing. actually listened to different versions (sigur ros' got tonnes of live perf clips. amazing band. loved their last show at omaha).

so comes the morning. i look not so pretty. according to gene pools, i looked 'like crap,' thanks mother. i ended up making a smarty remark that well the crap had to come from somewheres. reciprocated with rather delayed rolled eyes in the car ride. get to the haus de jesu. casa de deus. church. monkey: WORK.

there was a time long time ago when i was in early undergrad days. spent three days up straight. then came the infamous time to go play for sunday gig. i fell asleep on the organ. see, it's quite a feat. im short and organ bench's tall. i cant really lean anywheres to sleep. but after years or practice, i got good enough to just keep kinda straight back and noz..z..z... and then one day i fell off. in middle of sermon. bha, blah, blah.. and then... BAM! monkey was smitten.

after that. well, let's say i was rather careful. i remember the concerned look: omg, are you okay? i was muttering to a friend of mine, a doctor (a useful doctor): just tell them it's temporary. he looked at my crap face, result of three straight days of debauchery, and laughed: yep, it's temporary alright. hey yo it's not my fault for being respectful to not to take an upper hit while at a service. no coffee is allowed in the sanctuary.

and so today, im making a biggest effort to stay up. UP MONKEY UP. dont doze! and i made it through. but isnt it crazy? jesus says.... those who are burdened, come follow me (prob to the church), and i will give ye rest (matt 11:28). and you know, for the guy who turns water to wine (though there's no mentioning of quality), he's a good man. hey he even knew how to handle awkward crowd like hookers and fishy men. and if everything the bible say is true, his dad, deus, sounds like a nice guy as well. god is comfort, rest, protector, love, everything good. even forgives for a job.

and then: it's really god's people who says THOU SHALL NOT FIND REST IN A SERVICE HOWEVER BURNED YOU ARE. ironic? yes. true? yes. made monkey laugh? yes. snicker. that snicker earned some diiiiiirty looks though. come on, wasnt i supposed to go to church for some good news? what's so bad about enjoying some good news? gaaaaah. ha ha ha. ya... im sure the big man's a nice dude. but man. his butlers can be such tighta**s. oh well, it's not my job to dictate appropriate behaviors, but to receive 'appropriate instructions.' and i do have immense hope about re-awakening my ability to sleep while perched on organ bench. it should be something like riding a bike. i think.

i hope insomnia situation improves. if not. well. i will die eventually. i will just want to die earlier than scheduled (or is this the way im supposed to go? one will never know)

in a short catch up with mr. salamander, i have expressed this god-inspired irony and he couldnt help it but laugh himself. probably he wasnt helped by the fact he was knackered as well. ha ha. it's interesting sometimes that the mid-bosses really get in the way of an employee's relationship with.. well the big boss. perhaps it would be less troublesome if i could catch some sleep this week. and hella yes, im not running tomorrow. if 16 miles wont put be to bed, 24 miles wont work either. how do i know? i am LAZY.
g'nite to you and ah.... bright freaking night for monkey. perhaps monkey's wish came true. im living in bst whilst my body is lagged in est. how inconvenient.


banff fragment

things like this make my life as a monkey super rewarding.
not to mention it's literally hilarious. haha.
thanks for the good times lady! (you know who you are)Posted by Picasa




S vs T: mendelssohn, what do you want?

5:11 Ramon Tebar, Orquesta de RTVE
5:20 Yoel Levi, Atlanta Symphony
5:23 Klaus Tennstedt, Berlin Phil
5:29 Gardner, Vienna Phil
5:36 Reinhard Seifried, National Symphony of Ireland
5:37 Karajan, Berlin Phil
5:44 Abbado, London Symphony
5:44 Claus Peter Flor, Bamberg Orch
5:46 Toscanini, New York Phil
5:46 Mario Rossi, Turin Symphony Orch
5:50 Richardo Muti, Vienna Phil
5:53 Georg Solti, Chicago Symphony
6:07 Alexander Rahbari, Slovak Phil
6:10 Pablo Casals, Malboro Festival Orch
6:11 Iona Brown, Norwegian Symphony

ones that i wanted to find out but havent yet:
1. Sinopoli with London Phil
2. Mackerras with Orch AGe of Enlightenment
3. Norrington with Stuttgard Radio Symphony

what are these numbers? well, these are the different track lengthes of mendelssohn's forth symphony, italian, the last movement: saltarello-presto.

mendelssohn is a composer that i used to dislike, but am slowly warming up to. i still have reservations for some of his works, like the hebrides overture (stop stop stop this monothematic madness!) or the annual butchering of the violin concerto. oh the things that piano monkey gets to hear sometimes.. grr. haha. anyways.

this genius man had a very short life span (1809-1947), but did many things. and some things im very thankful for: including bach revival of 1829, berlin singakademie under mendelssohn brought back matthäuspassion, the first performance of it since bach's death. since then it remains a very popular work. i even have heard the the opening number, coro: kommit ihr toechter, helft mir klagen (cheerfully translated as: come, ye daugheters, share my mourning) as part of background music for tv chocolate commercial. now that's popularity.

the italian symphony was inspired during mendelssohn's grande tour (it literally pays to have wealthy gene pools, sigh) which he leisurely enjoyed from 1829-31. however, finished in 1833 in berlin for london phil society (now called the royal phil society), it is one of the best orchestral works of romantic period. period.

“The ‘Italian’ symphony is making great progress. It will be the jolliest piece
(mendelssohn) have ever done, especially the last movement. I have not found
anything for the slow movement yet, and I think that I will save that for
Naples.” (genius boy to sister who stayed home, sigh)
the funny thing is that the last mvt, saltarello is really a tarantella. most of the time. from the verb saltare 'to jump,' it is a fast triple meter medieval dance, back to 15th century really. initiated in 13th century naples, by 15th century, it was fused with a bit of german character, hence earning the name saltarello tedesco. The initial dance step is lost forever, however, it did become somewhat of a folky favorite, especially during the carnival times. (raucous)

it was probably the roman carnival of 1831 that young mendelssohn had seen a live version of 19th century saltarello. berlioz also incorporated saltarello in his roman carnival overture (damn. must get to roman carnival one of these days). but let's keep it in mind that it was a court dance, not a folk dance in its origin. with all those expensive jewelery and frou dresses etc., court dances tend to be.. ahem... weightier. in general (not to mention that they were ahem.. heavier sets of people as well compare to your pre-industrial era farming stocks).

tarantella, often accompanied by tambourines, is one of the most famous italian dance. loosely described as fast 6/8 folk dance, it also started from naples, as a mash between spanish fandango and folk dance that was to cure either the spider bites or general 'unwellness' of neurotic women (italian men still kept that somewhat sexist stance to the date in my opinion). one of the most striking cultural highlight of tarantella is actually in ibsen's play: a doll's house (and also the recent gogol bordello's album: super taranta). it can even be far-reached up to danse macabre, but that's another genre of it's own im afraid (and im getting sleepy)

what intrigues me is why did mendelssohn chose to call it a saltarello inst. of tarantella? just because that's what it was called during the roman carnival? but surely, having spent a chunk of time in sicilian area, he mustve realized what he wrote is tarantella? anyways.

as i was listening to the prom 29, i was struck by this amusement; mr. salamander have sent a short text in the morning about the particular italian flying through the movement. and yep, it was definately closer to a tarantella than a saltrello. it was a very italian program (i still remember this italian making toronto debut with tso what seems eons ago, doing pines of rome, a piece that i still think it's more amusing than amazing) (hey but that's just my opinion. not a fact), and mr. n was quoted in the interval review that yep, he's italian and (they) do everything fast, so putting everything together it was only natural to assume it'll fly away. mad dancers. mad musicians. i can see the resins flying and spits drooooping from the silvery flutes.. haha.

so then i was curious. tickled. curioser. PO was commenting that last mvt is a b@#$%! of a piece and that (at least for the lower strings; forget the fact that it's frequently used for orch auditions for the flutes. recent youtube orch audition would help to illustrate its popularity..) it must sit at a certain range of tempo for it to work at all. and that's true, there are always some sort of mean tempos (after all we are still talking about gaussian distribution anyways), so monkey started to look up some tempos.

the difference? amazing! some 'slower' conductors took it 'fast,' vice versa, and some 'slower' conductors took it 'slower' as well. it's all over the bloody place. i mean, excluding the three renditions i couldnt find today, the largest gap between the fastest and the slowest is a whole minute! if anyone sneers, i say one minute is a very long time to sit still and silent on a stage. or if you are drowning, or your zipper is stuck. the matter of minute can determine microwaved eggs being edible to squash-strength bounce.

so something to chew on. i think it's hilarious that for either extremes, the movement can truly be a saltrello or a tarantella. and that's what makes the world exciting. and boy a minute is a long time. well played bbc phil today and that also means it's one day closer for mr. salamander's projectile journey across the atlantic. yay. for that, i would gladly dance. preferrably at tarantella tempo.


bits and pieces of

i will show you how i am put together
pieces of scarps and bits
that haven't been fed to the dogs.
just a bit short of who i wish to be.

a superhero
or a rock star
wish i had something
worthwhile to show you,
which i am not.

the stringy bits of
desperate efforts
stand here
wishing that i blended to the walls
so that it is not visible
how broken i am

but there you are
looking right at me
in the eyes
not speaking or judging



prom 28: mahler 6th

thanks to the techy inventions and advances, monkey is able to enjoy all kinds of things in life. and im not just talking about the conveniences of indoor plumbings and a/c units in a sweltering humid days (as yyz has been for last couple days. thank god we get some sun and nice wind for next couple days). the beauty or may be the irony of the technological advancement is that it allows indirect experiences of old beauties, things that were born ages before all these gizmos and machines. such as music, arts, etc etc etc.

there are genres of arts that survives somewhat independently of the flow of time. i say architecture and literature may fall into that category. i mean, this is a gross generalization as no art can survive without a context and that particular context is inevitably effected by the given or chosen point of time. but unlike some genres, architecture, paintings and literature do survive that time-gap somewhat intact; in comparison, other disciplines such as music and dance always have been rather poor survivors of tyranny of time. sure we have scores and such, even foot-step diagrams for dances. however, have you ever tried to learn a dance step from one of those diagrams? it's almost impossible i think. those diagrams only become useful when one already have a pre-conceived notion of what it may represents and that it does certain leave out some important aspects of the chosen dance as a whole. same with music. a good and easy example would be the tuning pitches. who have decided a=440? politicians, ofcourse. why? who knows exactly why. seemed like a good number on that given day i guess. but once you tickle your fancy with 'what should be the 'correct' tuning,' you may never get out. it gets rather confusing, much like house of mirror. yes, scary as well.

anyways, monkey's primary interest of the day have nothing to do with pitches, tuning systems or even preservation of historically important buildings. rather, im musing about the fact i am able to hear the bbc prom concert in real time through my small laptop, size of a big beer stein, all the way across the ocean in comfort of yyz sun and wind. yes. outside, that's right. thanks to wifi, i am in fact, listening to it in the campus of utoronto downtown, near hart house, sitting/lying on grass, in shorts and somewhat indecent top (it's summer. and i did wanted to get some sun on my skin. i swear that it's nothing provocative really.) (it's just your plain bathing suit top, if you need to know. sorry to disappoint.)

the program today includes one of most intriguing compositions of western symphonic literature for me: mahler 6th. when i first entered music faculty back in the days, i have to specify that i knew nothing of classical music really. i mean my parents occasionally put on some classical tapes here and there and ya, i have heard things like handel's messiah and stuff, but really, i failed music theory entrance exam (how can i pass an exam when i dont even understand the questions themselves?), and nevermind anything about musicology. all the composers were dead (which, mostly is still true though there are some contemp composers i dig), and i never even thought of smaller details such as... urrr.... ya, a=440. i just assumed that's the way it goes and never cared. i had a whole bunch of things i needed to catch up. a mountain load.

mahler 6th was one of the very first symphonies i listened to, as a ignorant music education major, first year. i had no concept of who this guy was, nor i had any appreciation for his orchestrations. never mind the still-going debate about slow-fast or fast-slow (regarding the scherzo and andante. seems that current score shows that most conductors do fast-slow. but who knows really if that just may reverse by next year?) all i could muster was: holy cow, what is that about that soul-crunching march theme? where did that came from and why is that so menacing?

so that was my first ever exposure. i was casually rummaging through someone elses' cd collection and happened to pop that one in. then. silence. for next near 80 minutes i was lost. i can almost see the cover of this particular recording even. soviet-state-academic-i-cannot-ever- remember-what-it-is-exactly-orchestra with svetlanov. i believe it's out of circulation and is not so easily available anymore (too bad. i still think this is one of the BEST recordings of this particular symphony)

this symphony crushes, curses, fights back, takes refuge, beg for mercy, everything else. and supposedly written in mahler's happiest time in his life (ahhahaha irony here again), the symphony is... far from what i would call 'nice,' mildly put. its rhythmic drive is as vicious and unforgiving as beethoven's fate, except in beethoven 5th, it at least ends with a resonating, unyielding, insistent c major chord (29 bars of it, marked fortessimo? i dont really know if he was being serious, ha ha) and the shocking end... well, there is no need to talk about it, but of to go see it. in person.

however, despite of all these beat-downs, this symphony always leaves me just enough hope for me to go on, footstep willing to progress further, rather than collapsing down to nihilism. and the bbc phil, even through the long invisible connections of many 0s and 1s, did a very nice job on conveying sooooo many emotions. the only preferential difference wouldve been that monkey likes the scherzo a bit ruder. meaner. real wailing and violence tugs from the entire upper torso rather than a pull from the arms. the timps, i like it little less resonant, more with a
twhak, a thud. and cowbells with more dissonances. everything bit closer to cracking. but that's my preference, nothing more. perhaps tis my generation, used to distortion and cracking bass of popular music, learned-conditioned to prefer such sound. perhaps?

i have a funny feeling that this post is going to be edited further when i have more time to collect the bits and pieces that came through the small black computer and its blinking screen. for now, i am happy for the players who hauled through a massive symphony. one of my definite favorite symphony really. and it's time for me to put my decent shirt back on and walk back home. listening to the silent resonance of that marching ostinatos in my head. it's a pleasure in a weird sense to enjoy such oppression, i suppose it's because it's not a permanent situation. it's arts and it made me feel and think. taste something that is quite different from the nice sunny day of yyz, something more like mozart's jupiter. but thanks to technology, i was there, in the maelstrom, the turmoil of gustav mahler. a behemoth tale of... well, of many things.


... . .-. .. --- ..- ... .-.. -.-- / -- ..- ... .. -. --.

it isnt about the way one can hold another's hand while walking down the street. though it is common, i believe it is somewhat more difficult to define than a simple statement of who is attracted to whom. we are not just simple particles in atomic chambers with numbers of charges, where one could calculate, even as a highschool student, as who would gain affinity of whom and why.
beyond a simple question of affinity, there is a need, both biological and psychological need for one human being to relate to another, whatever the context may be. it's just a little more complicated than a pair of an electron and a positron.

a little different than another 'hullo' one just mutters to another, out of convention, often presented without realization. more like a carefully selected, however deceptively similar 'hullo' to another being, after minutes, hours of not so unpleasant agonizing processes. going through list of words in different languages and intonations. carefully chosen, written out, typed in many different fonts and colours. presented in million different mediums from the old papyrus to cyber-forms.

though similar to newtonian physics, it may look simple and elegant, there are things that goes way beyond the easily perceived formal system of organization and existence. and it's something beyond the existentialism. often the context of this particular thought concerns not only a person's actual/perceived reality, but also of other(s). we often use contractions to express thoughts in shorthands; shorthands however, always remain shorthands. it's a device, a sign that could only be understood by another being only if its pre-context and post-context are mapped together. the most common expressions of such thoughts are usually seen in words such as 'with' 'accompany' 'coexist' 'related' as well as symbols: +, (,) and diagrams of all sorts. of hearts, linked hands, intertwined ellipses, etc.

countless human beings have experienced this particular emotion at some point of their lives; and some choose to forget and some carves myth out of it.
great concepts were born out of this and many concepts circles around this. it wouldnt be an overstatement to say that most of the human cultural product, except the very few pure-realist works, have benefited from this particular emotion. intangible, incomprehensible, however most recognizable and preciously coveted.
in one's course of life, it has been muttered with all kinds of emotions- abstraction, adoration, jealousy, frustration, anger, hopefulness, desperation, you name it, it's been associated and tempered with.

a concept that does not belong to category of 'necessity' but of 'desires,' desires that goes beyond the daily need of food, shelter, reproduction and safety. violence has came from it and it also have smothered many cases of violence from its birth. going from and going to. a beginning and a perceived end of an emotional, often even physical journey.
a nebulous word. not a word, too big to be defined by couple syllables and letters. however, often communicated through such means just because it is a concept that only truly exist once expressed to another person, an audience.
great birth of tragedy and comedy have came from the same being. and more to come, surely. universal, personal, oxymoron state of being.
one of the most difficult quality to define universally however once perceived, there is no mistake about its identity.

something that is not necessary for a biological welfare of a person's being, however, strong enough to alter one's physical being- either negatively or positively. a thought that could consume someone's life time, however, just as easily tossed aside as the young poet has casted aside a single red rose that has been created by a death of a beautiful creature, a song bird.
many days and nights burned bright because of this single formless thought and many days and nights have been wasted. but has it been a true waste? no one knows. perhaps it's like the natural wild fires, where aftermath brings fresh saplings freed from the sticky and enveloping resins, now melt away from the burning heat, further nourished by the ashes of previous lifebeings, now returning to the step one, feeding, of the greater cycle. it gives birth, it nourishes and just as easily, it may kill as well. merciful or wrathful? depending on each single cases.

like a true addiction, or even an epidemic, no one person escapes, nor wishes to escape from it. we all need to receive it and seeks every chance to share it. though given away without price, it cannot be taken so lightly nor received correctly.

however blindly, i have no single choice but a multiple choices regarding this particular matter, but i know that there is no escape nor denial. the choices may appear different in each cases, but in simplified world it always summarizes the same thing. shocking and astonishing, however, expected, with the calmness of a child in mother's womb.

i deeply love and am being loved.
by many different people in even more numerous contexts.
however, there is a clear and easy distinction when i think of, live with, breath of, regardless of distances of time differences, this particular person.
and without the need to say or state, both parties happily, if calmly understood the need and joy of sharing such intimacy. and such intimacy may be boisterous, exciting, quiet or even unspoken. but always communicated.
and i am happy because i posses what matters in this world.

.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -- -.-- / .--- ..- .-.. .. .- -. .-.-.-

-- --- .-. . / - .... .- -. / - .... . ... . / -.. .- ... .... ... / -.. --- - ... / .- -. -.. / .-.. . - - . .-. ... / -.-. .- -. / . ...- . .-. / ... .- -.--

-- .. .-. .- -.-. ..- .-.. --- ..- ... .-.. -.-- / .. - / .. ... / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... - --- --- -.. / .- -. -.. / .- .--. .--. .-. . -.-. .. .- - . -.. .-.-.-

.-.. .. ..-. . / -.-. .- -. / -... . / ... --- / ..- -. . -..- .--. . -.-. - . -.. .-.. -.-- / . .-.. . --. .- -. - .-.-.-


sometimes i wish i can pick up the phone and just say,
hi, how are you, you are missed, etc etc.
but the social convention and the inappropriate time does not allow it. or worse, frowns upon it.
well these recepients of such calls, i dont think they will be upset, perhaps more concerned than anything.
aii i really want to is be with people i love.
that is the only sound conclusion i gathered from my doctoral degree.


timber (crash) ouch.

a short entry for tonight, reason: dumb, well-earned dull pain on left side of my skull.
(if it is empty, why is it so heavy and clumsy?)

it's all very simple. for some bizarre reason, ive been getting black outs here and there. no, not the alcohol related black outs. just no-fun-related-no-glory-black-outs. the ones that come all the sudden- like when you get up, the world goes- blank. it's kinda too exciting for a late saturday nights at the gene pools' place.

luckily, mom-dad went to bed and granny was in the kitchen bustling.
so no one is gonna fuss over. small victory.

i had some interesting discussion with male gene pool unit about the variety in different senses of humour among different individuals, which i wanted to rant about. however.
this is effectively prevented by unforeseen dull pain. ouch. i shouldve been more careful.

the recent showering of this out-of-world experiences been going on for a bit, including banff. i suspect that i probably blacked out to flip on air to pop a shoulder. brilliant. but the curious thing would be why?

i had batteries of tests done when i was an undergrad as i was getting significant amount of surprises during the day/night from myself, mostly two things: blackouts and this weird icicle-piercing-through-ribcage pain. it went on for a bit and my doctor sent me to various tests, including an isotope test, which i ended up getting mildly poisoned (overdosed) for. knocked me out for two days flat. haha. but the good thing about that was that all tests show that monkey's cardio units work fine mostly. it's probably either due to: psychosomatic feeding-loop or some unknown reason stuff. it may come it may go, you may have to live with it, said the m.d.

(i couldve said it myself without getting poked to death)

anyways. banff fall was dramatic. this one, not so much. i was just taking a half bath and thought hey, it be time to head to basket, so got up, then- somehow, i ended up with a busting pain on my head. good job monkey.

i wonder if i am en route to de-evolution. someone's gotta be dumb sometimes.
or may be it's my blood sugar! may be i should eat more! (like you 'would' agree if you ever seen me eat ever) (not only i will be falling next time, but even with more gusto, as heavier weight would generate much more momentum. brilliant) (another de-evolutionary step i think)

crap. it hurts.
im pissed.
and yes, this is a real rant.
gosh, i havent done one in awhile.
may be i was due for one?