30.3.15

silent day



https://youtu.be/ij5yRxvfnQY

another cusp point. the vernal equinox passed and it's bringing in languid sadness into the air, echoing the deaden silence of the deaths of the present winter.  as the snow start to melt away, the little memoirs of the cold, hasten and dark days blurring into nights come out to the sunlight.

gloves. hats. lost things.

under glistening melting puddle, once priced possessions now lie naked without owners, neglected, alone and dead, perhaps dreaming of their long lost other halves. where would those gloves all go? did they ever dreamed of being found and to be a pair again before they were discarded to garbage?

scattered fag butts.
cough drop wrappers.
dog poos left in shame.

the sun peeks through the heavy clouds.
but people continue to walk, eyes looking down to the ground.
though there is no ice to trip over anymore.

the melting sun also melts the ice i put on the cracks of myself.
i filled those in with indifference, faked confidence and desperate hope for approvals.
and today, they all melt, leaving me all cracked and broken.
the end of winter is passing and now i must die.

ah i pause the afternoon,
filled with melancholia and regrets,
fermata pregnant with sadness.

25.3.15

human resonance, a yearning

from a tangent point, an individual will progress through the chosen trajectory.

at times, the tangent point and/or the new trajectory may not reflect individual's wishes but life being slightly more complicated than we ever wish it to be, a set course, infuriatingly or amusingly, will never stay set. and things and people will go wherever they will go appropriately.

meeting people is a funny thing.  i often browse dating profiles for entertainment.  what is it that people are putting out as representation of themselves? when they are being sarcastic, is it the humour or the bitterness that is fueling it? when they say they dont take such writings seriously, how much of genuine sincerity can be found on personal profiles?  what are the expectations of the engagement- at what point, would you know youve connected, or it has/no potential, or whether it would be destructive or constructive? the questions go on forever.

when i went to see 'theory of everything,' i was really touched. beautifully shot, it discusses one of the most fascinating persons of our time: stephen hawking.

it is weird because for me, it always seemed a bit pre-destined, that his work on time-space relativity (that time is relative to space, therefore, as universe is still expanding, time is still changing and fluxing, therefore, if we are to retrace time and space back into the inception point, they would collapse into one another, to single entity- aargh tis the turtles! turtles all the way down!

and the man who is working on the concept, well, his worlds are collapsing. his physical ability, ever dwindling, defines him within his mind and very limited physical motions. it is eloquent, and tragic.  with collapsing mental and physical world, the struggle of hawking and his family/friends was portrayed beautifully.

i left the theater with tears in my eyes.  ah, would it be possible for a mere mortal to experience such depth of life? 

with visible and invisible spider web tangle, i ride through  the course of time. i never know where i will be, i can only project into the near future.  sometimes, in that long ride on a quiet silent water of time, all i wish is to curl up with a friend, seeking resonance.

after all, it is the universe that pulses through everyone's heart. 

if we are quiet, we can hear it.

the sound that is love.

like tears in rain

since last post, the audition season came and left in a fury.  i feel very lucky to be able to meet people and work on projects that theyve been preparing for a long while, and i love the aspect that i can be part of their next step- even though it may be a bit arbitrary (let's face it, auditions are for administrative structure, not for music. it's weird but it kinda works. bit like democracy).

then came a short visit to texas to see one of dearest people in my life, dr nan. it is a weird thing to not to see someone for a long time but then we snapped back into conversation without a glitch. truly, time is relative.

and now, recitals are rolling into motion and as it often does in spring, there are much motions around me.

one best friend is moving to the west in summer.
another is getting married and moving to tajikistan.
one has finished phd and now back in america.
one old friend has recently died.
my parents are over to east asia for three months, first time being away in ages.
therefore, my granny's over at a private nursing care home for the first time.
loads of babies are on the way. i can almost hear the flutters of sleepless parents' eyetwitcing.
in a few days, i need to go put on flowers for bro's grave.
end of semester has been excited by the recent CUPE unit 1 strike.
this is the first summer where i wont be running off to europe so soon.
i would like to see if i can find a position at a summer camp or something- i think i can be good for someone, for certain things...

interestingly, it is me who is staying still at the moment. this is rare.

tonight,
the sky is blanketed with grey tears and yes, i wonder if i am a replicant. if i am a replicant, would i know when i would disconnect, that i have been alive? that it is no longer to be? if i have robot parts, would it be human feelings that i have or?

'- all those moments will be lost in time. like tears in rain...'

ah- take me to the sea.
show me those brilliant white sun-bleached shells once again.
let our feet sink into the sand, as the waves wash away the dirt of the days,
the tears of the world,
oscillating to the invisible heart beats.
when time stops,
my heart will also stop, full of wistfulness,
as to love, is to surrender, to lose.