first negative b day

(art from nataliedee.com. yeah for cake)
hello wee brother.  your first negative birthday was an eventful one at the least.

first of all, someone has already taken the kind liberty of dedicating you a mass on your birthday.  so couple weeks ago, the older ladies of the house freaked out that you wont get a mass on 25th. seems that it was no worries to begin with.  so though it's during the weekday and that mom/dad had power outage at the store in the earlier day (probably brown outs with all those suburban houses i swear), we all decided to have a mass-get-together kinda thing.

ironically, we forgot, well, dad forgot to read the line that says: 'this mass will be a private service,' as the priest was going to be away from the city during a short retreat with the altar boys. so after much commotion, we got there to learn that your mass was in fact, being served somewhere in nice outside park of ontario.  koodos for style man.

then we went out for dinner. what did we have? well, we had dad's favorite: all-you-can-eat!  at this point, i do have to defend my dad a bit.  see, he really does not know what he may want. nor he likes to tuck into one thing and that one thing only. he's a bit known in my family to pick off from other people's plate, not necessarily because he likes it, but because he's merely curious.  the critique is always a bit mouthful as well.  so there's the initial comic point. you would also be a bit amused on the fact that he's more interested in food since youve left and mike have came back home.  he's been trying to get involved in new things, including this newly acquired interests in black teas (guess who will supply the tea -> me!).  he is now even willing to try non-standard places to go eat! so im going to dig up some 905 eateries, probably chinese places. yum.  of course, you would known some good ones already. darn. my loss. but anyhows. about this dinner thing, it gets better.

you see, so these asian all-you-can-eat is pretty much the ideal solution. but you see, you realize, that if you were actually here, we wouldve never gone to AYCE, especially for your birthday. actually i was hoping that i could take you to la papillion or terroni's for this year. your loss. ha! anyhow, thanks to you, we had a very unusual weekday evening family minus one dinner. at AYCE never the less. but do take pride that your prediction wouldve been right, as the soy-based stocks tend to be a bit too sweet over there. i suppose that was for all those non-asians. gag. ha ha. though they did grill mackerels impeccably. hum.

granny's becoming a child once again, she now has almost two teeth left, like a baby :) soon she's going to see the lovely dentist to get it all sorted out. mom/dad is going to be sweating in the dry cleaning plant in upcoming week as the forecast is bright. even, blight. really.  mike's working and i am being the usual underemployed professional.  you would be tickled to know that mr. minnow is visiting and that at the canadian national exhibition, the food to eat this year is fried butter. dont ask me. but the knob of butter on stick was just too small to be charged 5 bucks a shot.  not that i would eat a whole stick of butter fried.  okay. may be.  but then that's fairs for you.  it wouldve been nice to take you. and somehow you would have had a free day. ha ha.

so all is sort of well really.  of course there are times that one is feeling a bit less than spectacular.  i feel that way once in awhile, actually, quite often this month, as i keep thinking about your past birthdays.  it used to be the way you would have something specific picked out, way back in may or something. then i would bargain what it may be, as i strongly frown on buying frivolous things (ahhahaha), and though you always asked what i may like, we both knew that birthdays were for me to get you a little nice things for you, as the real nice things you wanted, i could not possibly pay for it (like your louis vuitton wallet, holy cow).

if you were here, we could certainly have a night out in a nice place and i would be eager to put the bill on my dr-credit card.  but instead. i send you small wishes. like bubbles, all over the calendar space.  i try not to be sad. there's nothing i could do.  but you should throughly enjoy the fact that your first negative birthday was an interesting one.  i asked mom if she cried and she said no. she is probably lying. why are our family so bad at lying? well, may be except you and i, ahhaha.  she's eager to get you some cemetery monuments- she really wanted to do this by your birthday. but you see, the cemetery employees are never in hurry, so it didnt happen. i hope you wont mind.  we'll put one up though, i swear.

i miss you.
i love you.
happy first negative birthday.
wee bro with attitude.


whizzing by hello

it's already friday and life since sunday, when mr. minnow has landed across the puddle to yyz, has been a bit of a blur. it's silly because we arent doing much touristy stuff yet the times are flying right past us. how nutty.nestled in the crack between leslieville and the beaches, we've been in and out, weaving with many different group of people, meeting, introducing, remember and sharing. life has been quite full on without much objective activities. and one nice thing is that he has brought the cool air with him and after that whacked-out-rain sunday, things have been very reasonable- dry, hot, bright summer.

of course there are challenges in such nice conditions as well, the need to keep it quiet from certain individuals (i think im referring to my parents, ahaha), scheduling which i am not very good at all, and treading the fine balance between doing too much and not doing enough. but it's nice to know that he does not feel as if he's another tourist. that is much relief. yay.  i think about what we were doing, the people we were meeting and the events that engraved themselves into our mind and stories. in weird sense, not much have changed- it's the people and the attitude that is consistent, appreciative and generous.

so here's a short scribble for myself and all rant-readers.  things are well in yyz and the weather has been great.  mr. minnow is having a good time i hope and much love to you all. wont it be great to cram everyone into one place for once? i think about such luxury and make a small sigh.  may be i should get on it now- for a future date, something probably like 2020. ha ha.

and i hope bookbomber's manager lady finds some sanity soon. he's going through a roughage of house renovation. aaaaaah!



in case i havent mumbled about it, i have workaholic parents. yes. they do live like a proper first-generation immigrants.  i feel badly at times as my life is all about doing as less required things as possible so that just in case something interesting pops up, i could jump on at any point.  basically, i like being lazy.  they are the inverse, the anti-thesis of me: they work six and a half days a week (sunday is the catch up day where they tries to do whatever that got left during the weekdays), and yes, they do leave the house at 5am for about half-hour commute.  then it's worky-worky-worky, till they come home.  on the days i head home, i expect them well-after nine in the evening.  if not ten.  so that's about 16-17 hours of pure work.  i have no idea how they do it.  i really wish they could hire some helps, but it's difficult because it is rather far to commute.  and not to mention the fact that they often forget that for an employee, it's just work, not 'their' work.  complicated, yes.

the other thing about having a dry cleaner plant is that it gets incredibly hot.  whenever one presses shirts or a coat, there is always some sort of chemical, solvents and various steaming devices, in addition to burning hot irons.  during the recent hot spells, it really feels a bit like a hell-hole.

i often think that i should go help them out a bit more, but then i also think that whatever i do can only be a temporary solution.  i dont think i should be at the counter anymore (i was, when i was in highschool and was a regular helping kiddo), as it is important to keep a consistent face on the front.  i have no idea how some of the machines run nor what the chemicals do (i know not to eat/drink them i suppose).  i am not skilled enough to use pressing machines.  i can do general cleaning, rolling of coins (once i wrapped over half ton of coins.  that's several thousands of dollars. killed me. nearly killed the suspension of the car) and odd things like car oil-change, picking up sundry goods from the local grocery stores, running to the bank, etc.

with minnow swimming across the puddle, i thought it would be important for my consciousness to go and work for a bit.  as that situation is a bit of a less-than-ideal for mom/dad.  so a rescue-self-from-guilt-mission.  for some reason, i totally botched my sleep (i think it's quite more noisy where they live, as granny believes in keeping the windows open...), walked like a zombie to the car and went. at 5am.

and though i do genuinely feel sorry for the situation (i dont feel sorry for them as people, as they have achieved more than what average people could even think of achieving. the sheer will and determination for their work is incredible i think.  i, ur, certainly do not have such will power), sometimes, at 5am, monkey can be quite grumpy.  esp. when she's trying to work in exchange to relieve self-imposed guilt.

one of the last things i had to do was drop by their accountant, with a cheque.  they rarely have time to make it to the accountants during the office time, and it used to be gabe's job.  as he drove.  as he accumulated countless parking tickets on that very particular spot, year after year.  alas, he cant no longer do it, so i didnt think twice, i will get it done.  unlike stylish brother, parking with certain air of panache, i took the public transit, groggy from the early morning work.  walk up the stairs, and look for mr. accountant's office.

the lady at the desk was perplexed, as much as i was unsure: urr, i have something to drop off for mr. accountant, from mom/dad store?  and she says: ahha okay.  your older brother (korean term: oppa, an older male sibling) used to do it.

wha? i thought my older bro was always kinda busy with his own stuff.  i thought it was gabe, accumulating all those damned parking tickets he plastered his room with? so i had to ask:

was that the kid who was kinda tall, skinny, talk big, have a smile, and sounds like this: (emulate the street-ish gabe talk with a certain degree of carefully devised carelessness)?

yes! that's him. how is he?
well, he wont be coming around anymore, i am sorry to tell you.
where have he gone to?

ah. lady. we lost him way back in april. i am sorry.

what are you talking about?


he was in the west coast and he lost control of his car.  he wont be able to come around anymore, i am sorry. so i came for the first time today.

lady at the desk looked as if she was going to choke. then came the tears.

please, is he really gone?
yes, it is unfortunate.
how are your parents?
they are working through it, if not working as much as they could to forget.
how are you?
i am alright, thanks, ma'am.

i didnt have much to say.
i consoled her for next five minutes, as she disappeared into a grief, like thin smoke out of a small candle.  and i left.  i was tired. i went home and noodled around. till now.  this was the biggest sucker punch that gabe delievered yet.  for her, everytime he dropped by, he made small talks, ran coffee for her once in a blue moon, made her happy, happy enough to remember him by his gestures and impressions.  a genial kid.  a swell boy.

alas, no longer.

i am a bit sad. a bit angry. i dont exactly know what i am angry about.  i am touched.  i miss gabe. the long dog days of summer rolls along in summer humid air. and i wonder all the sudden where he may be.  it's your birthday soon buddy.


forever young

it is mr. minnow's birthday today, and according to british summer time zone, he's got about fifteen minutes till the day is over.  as much as i would like to be with him, it's not possible this year.  it does suck a bit, as i wasnt there last year either.  i looked into getting there on a surprise whim though the problem really was how to get back: going to uk was perfectly doable with a very cheap flight, but there were no real way to get back till september, without paying with arm/leg/chosen body part.  instead, monkey's here in yyz, thinking about the idea of birthday.

i understand that birthday celebration can be quite artificial.  it's just another day to everyone else i suppose.  there are many people who shares birthdays and it is often common to move the 'celebration' to another day for everyone's convenience anyhow.  when you see another person, it is a given factor that the person would have a birthday, regardless of which date it actually may fall into.  last year when i was turning another decade, i was feeling rather skeptical and troubled: have i done enough with my life? have i wasted another ten years?  funny thing is that i dont ever remember thinking about it in such way when was turning ten. ahahah. how silly is that.  

realizing i cannot be there, again, i thought of a few ways to express my feelings for him.  a card that was sent ahead.  a gift that arrived a bit early.  and a conspiracy cake made by lovely bobby, delivered on the actual day- a lancashire courting cake.  it is bizarre that i would know about such cakes (it's much like victoria sponge cake, but made with  citron-mascarpone cheese and raspberries in this case, though the traditionalists would call for whipped double and strawberries.  the cake used to be made by the lassies for their lads, the ones they hoped to marry, hence the name, courting cake) but it seems rather appropriate.  it wouldve been even more appropriate if i could make it (fortunately, for non-baking monkey, it's a recipe that isnt too crazy.  though the pint sized lady bobby's rendition looks very nice).  the cake was consumed with another birthday gift- a new set of cutleries.

and i wished that i couldve been there. 

there will be more birthdays and other celebrations that will roll on.  and there will be more occasions where monkey would wish that she 'could be there,' not just for mr. minnow, but for all people who are very dear to her, and for all things that matter.  but unfortunately, i cannot be at all places i wish to be.  that would be impossible!  and even if it would be possible, what is the point? then, i may as well celebrate the simple fact that one can still feel, think, reflect and express feelings regardless of physical or time-related distances.  i could be at a celebration and not celebrate the cause.  but i also could be away from the celebration and celebrate as much as i could.

simply, exultation and jubilatory sensations need not to be restricted to a location or time point.  since i cannot be there, i am just going to ride my own happy feelings.  it is a nice thing to experience and it makes me wonder what i would think when gabe's birthday (later this month) rolls up in the horizon.  i already had a cooking-related book picked out in my head for him this year. i wont be buying that this year. but may be some day, for my own self.  the book will always be a reminder of such joy that gabe wouldve expressed (for years now, ive been getting him the expensive cooking books.  as cooking becomes fashionable, the books have been fashionable as well- hard covered, glossy pages, heavy weights, really.  and yes, they DO charge for it, ahahaha), and also of a common interest we have shared. much like the billion-course dinner he made for mr. fish and monkey last year.

not to dampen the spirit of the day for mr. minnow (though i think he would understand), i am happy and content.  he'll be here soon and that's something very exciting.  i am not the one who would join singing of happy birthday (i have no idea why, but i just never do)- but i did hum a tune in my head for last couple days, thinking about minnow's birthday.  and i simply enjoy the beautiful wish of the song: forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young. 


sorry, then what?

the world is a funny place in general. with all the different people and their views.  the influences and consequent confluences weaving in and out.  the only constant may be that nothing ever stays the same.  and more passionate or emotional one is related to the context of self, the feedbacks of the external world can be quite shocking, literally. often i think it would be very helpful for me to learn how to be oblivious to certain situations/phenomenons of life, as i understand that what i may/may not prefer is a personal opinion, that i can only see so far as i could, that what i believe is rightly acceptable/not is likely to be subjective.

but one cannot help at times and i wish i could make my point with baseball bats at times.  that would be highly illegal.  and would be even more embarrassing IF i was wrong (as i am frequently changing my opinion on things all the time!) so it may as well be that i cannot go around bash people's kneecaps.  did i ever tell you about the theory of stupidity police? basically, on the first sight of dumbness, you get to choose which kneecap you would like to blow.  ouch. then the second sight, well, i suppose it would be the other one. hopefully, hobbling, at this point you would have understood the grievance of one's action in the world and therefore have came up with some sort of strategies to survive without incurring further damage.  and the third time- well, i am afraid it would be the a-la-brooklyn, good bye world! ha ha.

anyhows. what got monkey in a knot this time? well, nothing spectacular really. i was thinking about the things that gets on my nerve the other day, while watching some spectacularly entertaining daytime tv on my treadmill (i still cannot get the courage to run outside as the humidity in the city have been... gross.  the weather forecast in toronto should never be described as 'mist.' 98% humidity? gag). running on treadmill is a tricky business because often you could really fall off by not paying attention to how your body is aligned with the moving track (as i frequently almost do), so in my humble opinion, watching the tele helps quite a bit (as you lock into a point of visual focus, your body will balance itself and you will be in a steady position) in avoiding an un/fortunate breakage of body parts such as head (though i often wonder if i do crack my skull, would one find any presence of grey matter... i think it have ran away effectively in my childhood... sigh.)

so the daytime tele.  i often flip between the non-fictional (documentaries, pbs, shark weeks, ahaha) and what should be fictional (what is it called? the real housewives of ____? hilarious really.)  and that's my dosage of schadenfreuden i suppose.  i understand that these people do exist and though there really isnt any proof that i would be any better than they are (not everyone has same standard and priority in the world), i have to be honest in saying that i often smugly superior, laughing at their so-called-disasters of missing-shoes or neighbourhood political mishaps.  it's quite low.  though why shouldnt i peek at it? if i only stick to the things i am naturally inclined to, i would never learn anything else (a very weak defense on my side for that impeccably delicious dosage of schadenfreuden)

anyhows, so while laughing at the 'reality' shows and getting incredibly angry at the news reports most of the time (though the news of the american millionaires' donations did make my day) i started to think about one sore point that i am not able to reconcile in my head: what to do when someone says 'sorry?'

weird, isnt it.  we were all taught as little children (or i hope, at least) (there's even more hope as old dogs can still learn new tricks, i am told- call me a skeptic.) to say things such as please and thank you.  and most importantly, sorry.  sorry covered many situations- often irreversible.  such as broken television (sorry dad, i was trying to see what was in there, i was going to put it back), lost things (sorry mom, i will try not to lose another lunch sac), and most frequently, to emotional hurt that one inflicted (sorry bro, didnt mean to call you stupid).  and as we grow up and take more actions within the world, the more frequent it becomes and unfortunately it loses its meaning. abused and faded.  step on someone's toe in the tube and you (like me) are bound to mumble with your earphones still stuck in your head, 'sorry,' though you are really thinking (if you are like me): 1. why is the damned subway so crowded?  2.  couldnt he/she see that people are getting into the train? 3. i hope he/she is legally blind and retarded, as he/she has no regards to other people, etc etc.

not very nice, ya? well, i cant be the only one who thinks that.
and i do try to not to do it all the time.
and often i am genuinely sorry.

but the funny thing is saying sorry really does not solve the problem one have incurred.  i was thinking of a certain situation where i had a particular person upset with me for no apparently sane reason.  for a bloody long time too.  then there was really no real apology. i think it was assumed that the change of behavior towards me was to express their apology (or whatever it may be), that i am to be sensitive enough to understand that this person is willing to reconcile, that i am now to treat the situation as if nothing have happened.  hmmm.  silly enough, this is not a rarity.  it does happen on daily basis i am sure.  im only aware of faction of them, tip of the ice berg, as the world also have taught us the rigid and demanding rule of etiquette.  and self-control (i understand this, but am not able to execute it very well, sigh).  and i am often on the 'unreasonable' side, incurring emotional damage to others, i am sure.  probably just as often as i think i have been wronged.

well, in this particular situation, it really wasnt anything i have done personally, but of how my action have impacted another person's understanding of the world. it was something that needed/was going to happen (now im beating around the bush and it's sounding really dumb), but because the person had to deal with the consequence of my action, though indirectly, have created a major upset.  i was blocked out, angered upon, and had to witness what i considered unfair treatment of people around me on top of it.  and after awhile, just like the point of upset, point of absolution (of sort) have arrived and i was treated with a 180' difference.  congenial.  nice.  with implication of apology, a hint of sorry.  but with the claim of personal difficulties and emotional turmoil, it was never said.  that's fine, i dont need to hear it, really.  what got to me is the fact that just because one is sorry, the other is to graciously accept (as much as one could), and be accommodating to the new situation.  and this model does happen often enough.  all the time.

but being sorry never helps, in the weirdest context.  intentions of actions are often not good enough.  one meant well. one fucked up. well, one may be sorry, but that's often not enough.  BP with the recent oil spill, i am sure the company is sorry (for various reasons for various people), but them being sorry wont solve the oil spillage.  my heralding example used to be hitler.  i am sure he had all the good intention (albeit crazy and racist) in his opinion, and he did everything he could to carry out that 'good' intention, but the outcome was... well, disastrous.  and even if he were to say 'sorry,' that wont cut it, would it?  a driver who ran over someone is most likely to be sorry (if later), but that does not undo one's action does it?  i am sure gabe is sorry (mostly for himself) that he crashed the car and died, hence causing all kinds of pains, further than he could ever seen.  but well, he's still gone.  will always be.  but we were all told as a child that we should apologize (though the post-steps were never so clear).  so often we take the easy way out and blurp 'sorry,' verbally or non-verbally.  doesnt matter. i said i am sorry, what more do you want?

there is no solution to completely undo the conflict/problem, i understand. the more one grips onto the idea of 'being wronged,' more miserable it becomes. often it's with the things that the hurter didnt even realize (or may not ever realize) that hurtee chews through life. brutal but true.  which point there are no real solution to the problem itself, but only for the hurtee's self: 1. forget it, 2. forgive it.  forgetting it would be easier. letting things go would be even more efficient as one can train to not care about certain things (as of: observe, understand and make it impersonal. but it's not the same as being oblivious) and accept the situation as is.  but in case neither option is avail, then... the sooner hurtee forgives or forget the situation, the better life becomes for the hurtee.  sorry does more for the hurter i think (some sense of absolution, forgiveness, even reconciliation)- one took an action and acknowledged, ' i did as much as i can!'

often all these situations are created by lack of awareness.  what is the problem? is it really a problem? is your problem have a solution? what actions can you take? what consequences can you see? what if there are consequences you never considered? what can you do and what will you do?  all very tricky and unfortunately, even with all those questions, the situations will always arise once again. like driving on the public road, often it's not driver A's fault, but of B, but guess what- both A and B are involved in the accident.

i understand it's impossible to live by oneself therefore it'll be more efficient if i learn to deal with the external world rather than me trying to enforce the internal to the external world.  but often, much like my yearning for trashy tv, i cant help but be upset.  but monkey needs to remember that there are also actions that creates more good than initially intended. like the american millionaires who donated large chunks this week.  i wasnt involved personally, but upon such news, one cannot help but feel hopeful. hope is a dangerous word, as it then enables all sorts of actions and intentions.

so i may as well leave this depressing musing (hopefully amusing) and go on with the day and try to absorb as much joy as i can.  because the world essentially is a nice place for me with lots of people i love and care for, though i dont express it enough.  i will keep trying and be well!! and do check out the nytimes link.  i bet it will make you feel better as well.



magician's power

since i returned to the city, it's been weirdly busy with catching-up stuff.  for a largely underemployed monkey, things should be a bit more sparse, i thought.  however, when it involves people who i dearly care for, i suppose it's a task i would do with much anticipation.  and last night, i was out with one of my favorite people and i may give him a temporary code name: magician.

why do i call him a magician? well, first, often people mistake my pronunciation of magician vs. musician.  after all these years in north america, all i need is a bit of tiredness or lack of care, and there it goes, murdering very simple syllables.  and he is a musician who is also capable of casting some serious magic. i swear.  i dont say that lightly.  if youve been reading my writing, at least you would be familiar with the fact that i complain about the general public more than anything...  so i think that name should work for now.

anyways, i missed magician's birthday while i was in england and so we met up for a small celebration. not for a birthday, but probably more for the fact that we can have some real great time just talking. talking. talking.  thinking. thinking. thinking.  and i leave the meeting, enriched, waiting for the thoughts to grow further till the next exchange.  what a pleasure- he really brings out some real interesting points in life and boy, he is a sage.  calm, collected and truthful.  often he is almost painfully honest i think. he thinks that he should grow some hard shell. i certainly hope not.  it's not easy being who you are, i understand, but boy, it gives everyone a certain hope to see someone who is truthful and appreciative of joy and beauty of... life.

the surprise subject of the sushi conversation was 'power.'  i never know what we would converse about and i quite enjoy the fact that both parties are quite malleable in minds, free to go anywhere the thought trail may lead. i was quite amused about the idea that he was thinking about the concept of power- as human beings, we cannot help being part of a larger context, and with conscious decisions and actions, hence being political beings, therefore being subjected to the concept of power .  but you see, he is the last one that i could think of, to have an ambition to 'rule over the world,' and this is one of the many reasons i like him so much.

so there we are, two kids, conversing about power, while neither of us really care to possess any for ourselves.  weird eh?  but you see, the funny thing about power is that one can polarize the power as being passive and active.  active acquisition of power would be someone like hitler.  he was cunning, brilliantly smart (you cant create that much havoc being dumb) and determined.  he did everything in his power to create a movement and push the population to be his tool.  he was active in obtaining and exercising that power he held.  the passive example would be someone like... dalai lama.  he does not go places to acquire more power. he probably care less about what everyone thinks of him.  instead, he is a true sage who freely dispenses his ideas, leaving it to you, the listener, to decipher and interpret, to understand and to act- and by being completely passive, people come to him.

it's hilarious because it fits my view of the world being a circle (how bloody convinient, you may think! but i can only be so objective... in fact, i like being quite subjective as i realize i dont really have a choice... weak monkey!)  if you start at a specific point in a circle, you can take one of the two ways- clockwise/counterclockwise, but you can arrive at the same point eventually. and if you keep going, you will return to the point you started with initially.  imagine a clock- you can get to 3 o'clock, regardless of which direction you've spin the needle (though one direction would be much closer than the other, yes) and if you get to the farthest point (let's say 12 and 6 o'clock), you would have spent exactly the same amount of distance travelling.  and if you started from 12, you will return to 12.

so power, the same thing. you can be purely aggressive or passive, but it'll get you to the same point- where you can influence the world.  and most of us fall inbetween the two poles and depending on who we are individually, one would be closer to one end or the other.  another funny observation was that jesus, who is often seen as the passive example of great power (his submission have saved the humanity, according to the christians), he really wasnt all that passive- he did go provoke people (telling his mum that she shouldve known better and not worry about him when he disappeared as a child, throwing the tables at the church yard etc), did go do things (preaching, healing, recruiting) and most importantly, he carried out the active duty of being sacrificed.  being completely passive would have made him, well, a much older man with quite a flaccid life.  and there would have been no salvation of any kind for the christians. interesting, isnt it.  in my opinion, jesus is a prime example of being between the two poles, who carefully balanced the active/passive actions to achieve the most result- power.

oh come on. jesus- whether you are christian or not, wherever you may have came from, whatever you do, i am sure that at least youve heard the name, if not have contemplated upon his name. and that's power, im not trying to be provocative for believers or non-believers, but as a cultural icon, he exerts enormous amount of power.  if not, why would you be pissed? (or why would i even worry about you, the reader, being pissed?)

anyways.  magician was fascinated about these 48 rules of power he have read from this book recently.  some appealing to him, some repelling for him.  some he may test out, some he may already do innately.  and i wonder if he have realized, he already carry a significant amount of power in monkey world.  not only i was deeply tickled about the concept itself, i have been talking it over with various people and now actually sitting down and musing about it.

and he carries this power because he is closer to d.lama than hitler.  he is able to observe and is not afraid to be curious. even when the object of curiosity may be quite dangerous (power did drove many people into madness and delusions, i am sure one can recall at least one person in their lives who became insane with acquisition of power), because he is honest and truthful to himself, i think he is free of the danger- of self-imposed delusions and justification (of things that are not 'right,' whatever that may mean).  and because he is allowing himself to be passive (which, already is a rather strong power he holds for the most difficult subject of his influence- his own self), he is considered emotional and soft, hence his brief thought (i hope) of growing a tough armour.  but you see, this is exactly why he is one of my favorite people.  and not because he converses with me in this manner. but because he lives in this manner, whatever he does- composing, playing, reading, writing... just being himself, really.

i laud his honesty for self and the incredible curiosity that he has.  and i am very thankful of his company.  especially since no one needs to grant their time with me, that he shares his thoughts with me simply because he would like to.

there are many people in my small, innermost circle of people who are very passive about this power business.  almost all of them i think.  we do it for one reason or another. perhaps for certain individuals, it just comes innately, without the need to process and think.  but this very reason that they could be free of possession- whether it be material or mental, permanent or ephemeral, and the the consequent need for 'power,' they become powerful.  i wont dare compare them to d.lama (he's a big name, just like jesus), but in principle, quite close to him anyways.  and because they dont hold onto things, they can let life bring things to them, to channel- which makes it possible to experience and be conscious about so many more things than the normal, average life.  this makes them rich in life, letting them to be more powerful in one's own life- as forced frustrations and failed desires wont really matter to them, which makes it possible to redirect their emotions/thoughts for things that matter. once again, circle, bringing them to the point where they are powerful and fulfilled.

it is such a pleasure to experience such company.  i wonder what kind of things i bring to peoples' lives, but i hope it's something good.  perhaps i can dare to hope i am being 'good' by being passive.  because it would be such a shame to not to share such feelings with others, especially when i love them deeply. love to you all.