22.3.09

four seeds from the winter mountains




so monkey just got a word recently from the people high up in the world that she's back next fall for the banff collaborative residency. hooray. it's amazing to think what this all entails- first of all, it means that i dont have to go nutty worrying about what i am going to do for living. from september to december of 2009, monkey will be back in the middle of the canadian rockies, having the luxury of watching the sunrise in the morning, the mountains turning from bright green to the calmness of grey. and the lengthening of the winter evenings, getting slower and darker, mellower and quieter, until the next peak, the winter solstice. watching the process of such inevitability and huge scale in middle of mountains will be spectacular. as i had the fortune to watch it turn from the gravest point of the winter, at its rem sleep, then slowly letting the blood flow again, to the farthest digits, warming up for the next cycle of spring. and i will get to play music.

and even for the days i feel somewhat silly being a musician- whether helpful or detrimental, i will still be gently nudged to pay attention to my puppy, music. always slightly unruly, often maddening stubborn, chewing every piece of thing that i own, but always there wagging its tail, its tongue hanging out, smiling.
(i must be feeling happy today. if you ask me on another day, description of music as puppy may not be so pretty.)

secondly, it meant i mustve done some things right. gearing up for the term wasnt so difficult in a sense because i really didnt have much time to prepare for it! i had barely enough time to wrap up, pack and just head to banff. then the work started to rain and i was soaked with wrong notes, right notes, good phrasing, total crap, whatevers in between. there are some concerts i think and cringe, but there are some that makes me rather happy. it's funny how we live/die depending on one bloody performance, but that's just the way it is i suppose. so to know that things went well and that my peeps are happy with my work is very important. hooray. even for boooooo-soni. or skullcrusher.

and third, i now know there always be a surprise collision with other minds, which may be amazingly provocative, aspiring, enjoyable, painful, never dull. some peeps from this term, i really think i will be hearing the echoes of such collision for awhile- who knows how long: the bookbomber, a gentle guitarist, amazing australian pianist, my instrumentalists, mr. salamander, the friendly and encouraging admin staff, mentors and teachers. even if we are to lose contact, let say, the ideas and reactions will continue their own courses as i am often profoundly effected by such discourses and that my future actions will always be slightly altered from that. if i caused pain, i am sorry for it, but if i could provoke or aspire, even for couple minutes or so, it would be enough for now.

fourth- i go away and will return with more realistic me, hopefully. as krishnamurti said, it is so easy to create images and live in world of images. you buy more mirrors and you grow attached to your images. images reflecting from one person to another, and so fragile- even just a movement of one centigree difference will create a whole new tangent. so we fiercely try to protect what we now know- image of the truth. and unfortunately we forget what we were. we only know what we think we are, and are terribly disappointed when the images distort.

but they distort because they arent real. they are projections of reality. with that simple concept, i am willing to take the courage to shed the images of myself, and may be able to look at self without contempt or lies. it will take a while i think, but even if i cannot look at self yet, i now know that rather than building up self images, it is much nicer- for all who are involved, to look outside of self, and seek for reality, then work toward collaboration with those around me.

the list can go on and on am sure.
but i think 4 was a good number to stop at. 3 would be a little too significant. haha. the four seeds, harvested from the stark mountain winter- which is actually quite beautiful and alive, not stark at all, just quiet and static from the outside, but once looked carefully, it reveals all kinds of wonderful secrets and subtle beauties- like the dusk falling on quiet winter mountains, watching it from a room, warm and dark, with some nice tea- teas giving up the saved essenses of their life, of concentrated tales and life of summer sun and the sweet dusty smell of fruitful earth, now releasing it with no reservation in hot water, knowing that this is the time they must give it all, and transform old hot plain water to a cup of pure magic and sensation.

with new but old company. of comrades. of collaborators. of similar kinds. now just another wk to go before returning to old turf. i wonder what kind of stories and journey i will be bringing back in the fall, to now familiar mountains. the stories of warm spring and chilly rains, blistering summer suns and the hands at work. collision of things that arent so random. the fires and sparks that lit up my reality like blue glow of summer fireflies.

i am anticipating and relaxing simultaneously. two opposite words. at same time. like the two sides of one coin. am happy to be here.

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