another april

it's april.
couple years ago in one april i was not doing so well.
then couple years before that april, i was a wreck.
a bit before that another april, that wasnt so good either.
approaching the decade number three, it seems that things have been rather heavily patched and reworked. snapped cable, tied over a sailor's knot. put into work, because that is the only one that you have.

i am alright this april. pensive. even happy most of the time.
what were those things that cut through so badly?
what did they feel like?
i still see the shards of things, more like glimpses.
on me, in me, around me, of me.

i remember reading a short article as i was tying my shoes, on way out from the health center of the university, one of those times it was kinda tough, gritty:
death of saul bellow.

"A man is only as good as what he loves."

ah bellow, you leave us with such hilarity.
thinking about that quotation, my step was a bit lighter from that point.
until i crossed the next bog.

like a cable bridge, the satisfaction and struggle pulls one another to keep the balance. then sometimes, despite of the effort to keep the bridge itself balanced, the water just rise above it. may be that just was it. just a dip on the sign wave. it's gotta come up sometime when it's down.

i wonder what it felt like
those aprils
how it did cut through
and now it is only remembered hopefully dully
now is now and now is all i have

the april now is the april that i live.