review/downsizing

 
couple subjects have been floating in and out of my head today, it was a rather difficult to exactly pinpoint to one particular thought to hold on to. all kind of interconnected, however different. some a bit too private, some a bit too depressing. one a huge relief, a wonderful event. some ongoing process, some a surprise. anyhows, there is no point of listing them all. i guess i have settled into this particular thought of 'reviewing.'

review what you wonder: well, no, it's not a test revision. it's certainly not a performance review. where would i start? well, i was looking into my worldly possessions (which, miraculously there's always more than youve ever thought. i mean who really needs 6 pairs of shoes? one of my mentors used to say that he's got two pairs and it's a large conflict of interest because one could only wear A pair without looking, well, retarded) but then i did. i still donno if im going to keep them or chuck some. i guess the decision will come when it wants to. and then the storage room stuff- the pictures, odd bits of different papers (watercolours, drafts, tracing, etc etc., even some pre-stretched canvases. too bad i really dont like working on canvases. give me a paper and a sharpie anyday. bah), stuff that you hvae forgotten about entirely (and im usually very good about remembering things that i own)- i suppose that's what happens when one has too much. and i know for a fact that i dont even really own much. how surprising.

why all the sudden a need to review? well, very simple. well, there are several reasons. first, it is always important to appreciate the things that you own i believe. you have accumulated and you may as well enjoy them. however, if you dont know of its existence (ie. in shoeboxes, in memory sticks, whatevers), it's rather difficult to appreciate it for its full value. it just gets slammed as 'stuff in the box.' things that may take a place of dominance and importance (for instance, my degrees, the actual papers i meant), barely hides from a random act of purging just because.. well, the whole box was opened and looked into. though, i still have zero clue where my master's degree is. but if you want, i still have some official transcripts. perhaps that would help. haha.

secondly, im really living the life of transient this year. 3 + 1 + 3 months in banff ctr, then 1 in uk, and im writing august off for now as it wont be as practical (summer plans, yeeeees), so another invisible/perhaps unavailable 1 in yyz, adds to total of 9 out of 12 months that im in some sort of major flux. and living out of suitcase (banff winter) and a backpakc (uk), it really adds to the admirable, perhaps illusive enticing of 'minimal' living. and knowing that as soon as things settle, monkey wants to try a new location, hopefully by end of the year (or asap as god willing), it just cant possibly hurt to start to minimize.

going off tangent, the idea of new geographic location with some sort of permanence (well, i dont want to jinx it by say, yes, it'll be permanent. how silly of me) is a great excitement and the recent demonstration from monkey's gene pools (yes both sexes this time) has been a great source of joy. yay. now all i have to do is ask for the mercy of canadian government (processing papers) and look into the complicated process of uk government (that thought is also starting to hurt my head for now. eww. but necessary evil, both of them). regarding the year, the most tangible task of this year: banff ctr activities, have and continue to deserve a good chunk of dedication and attention from me for obvious reasons. another important point of taking the courage for relocation idea, well, that came rather on its own, and monkey's always game for another drift in the current. pretending to be a fish, haha. and there'll be plenty more to come about this point in future, so am going to drop it for now. ahem. i just realized that the last thing i wanted to was to talk about it. rather than talking, i would like to follow the flux and be excited about the perspective of 'now,' slowly getting there, when it's just right :)

thirdly, if there are things i dont need or want, i may as well put it back into life by donation/ gifting/ whatevers. there are things that were passed onto me from people around me, for instance, my bicycle, from a good friend of mine who was leaving the states, have been glued to my butt the whole time i am in yyz. my second bike (ooh greedy), which i hauled from states, thinking that it'll be a practice bike for learning the arts of cycle maintenance (im really not trying to be cliche here), have nicely relocated to one of my friend's life (i guess im 'letting her use it' haha, as i never sold it and have no intention to), getting her all over the places in toronto. so it's always good to put things back in life. better than gathering dust.

so with this feeling of being run down by things (all tiptoeing and demanding attention and care, 'me, me, me, dont downsize me, you will miss me i swear'), i started to go through small bits at a time. to little piles of: chuck, keep, recycle, donate. and the there is always an invisible 'maybe' pile. and i think everyone would agree- that mental pile where you put things that you just cannot decide at the moment. it's not to keep, but just to stall temporarily rather. i dont even know what i would be doing with my books. perhaps for the reasons of mental sanities, i should stay away from that subject entirely, just for tonight. (see, that's another maybe pile right there. spontaneously decided to appear. damn).

and i found some memory sticks. made me laugh, it's a very small one, capacity of 128mb. mustve been my first one. so i had to open it up, and there were some funny shites. some cheese ambient music mixed for some odd things, old papers (some of them obviously BAD), pictures, general fragments of life. and i was pleasantly surprised that even when things did look dicey, i could now look at it with much more appreciation and humour. and this, gives me a load of hope for certain process in my life at the moment, esp. for the things that i have no direct control of. the small splinter that i thought was really hurting, will also eventully be pushed out, as the wound heals. and it's a small one; but dont get me wrong, it's not any less important. it's just that there are some things that one needs to passively care for the time being, as messing with it is just not the right thing to do. how does one know? i have no idea, but i think one knows intuitively. and the rest, well, is hoping.
anyhows.

so there is a funny picture of monkey. i dont think the date is right ont he corner, no way that any school was open on new year's day to host a concert. phahaha. but i think that was my second master's recital. i look completely silly. the idea was to see whose gonna go down: piano vs. monkey. and i am happy to summarize the situation as: well, now, monkey and piano can co-exist. no competition or hard feelings are required.

for some reason, that last sentence brings much satisfaction. and i just realized that it's hitting the prime single-digit hours of the morning. crap. nto that i dont like staying up and wasting 'cyberspace' but there are things that i would love to get done tomorrow- re: piano, ha ha ha. so im wrapping up abruptly and curling up in a basket. and then i am gonna pretend that i am in my basket, the basket i belong to, not the one i happend to be in physical sense. in review, this wont be classified in maybe file- or chuck, recycle, share, whatevers. this idea goes on the top of list for 'surely keeping, get your own.'

good night,
and world, you are no longer cruel, so stop frowning.
you are gonna get some huge line across your forehead.