Le Mat. yes. i am a fool.

thursday july 16, 2009, today is one of the last few days left in banff summer session. now, a brief assessment, as it would be impossible to tell what i would actually retain and remember, in contrast to what i may would like or not like to take with me. only thing i could possibly know is what i think at this very point.

being in banff for the second time was a bit of surprise in a sense so many feelings came back to visit and so much of new things came on way as well. silly enough, i also had one of the worst beginning of a festival, with well-prepped and demanding instrumentalists (i think it is great that they were all so ready to play and demand what they wanted; i just wish there was a bit of time for me to absorb it a bit before we went 'public' haha) doubled with vistas food attack (now that i have a self-imposed policy of eating at vistas only once a day, it's all been an okay ride, thank god) it was rather rough. then things got even better with flipping out on thin air.

oh i meant to put a brief note on this one, but just never got to, until now! hahaha. basically after the brandenburg concerto dress rehearsal, on way from the m/s building to lloyd hall (residential hall where i stay), i took a fall. why? i have no idea. i suppose i was trying to de-evolve self, give up walking on two, back to four or something. who knows. there was no potholes, no ice/water, no nothing. flat concrete. then. BAM.

and lucky me ended up dislocating my shoulder again and that was that. i had to be taken to the ER as no one in the centre wanted to put it back (pity!), my bosses had to come pick me up from the hospital and tons of paper works. the worst is when my violinist asked: why are you not changed yet (for concert dress)?
and monkey said:

urr. am not playing today. sorry.

.... WHAT?? HOW DID YOU TAKE YOUR SHOULDER OUT???

so rather comical if not intentional. haha. and i thought that was going to be the ultimate kick on the butt. ooh boy i was wrong. the day later, one of my bosses took collab pianists out to dinner, a chinese place. and i. had. the fortune cookie. with.

NOTHING IN IT!

so after that, i suppose things are just silly and i realize it's all going to be alright. if not, what's the point of fussing anyways? haha. so since then monkey's done her performances (the last thing being biber mystery sonata at the church on organ) it's all chilling. too bad the shoulder's lame to read anything serious, but at the same time, i cannot be so bitter.

i played rather un-monkey like in this festival. short duration. no time to makeup for the mistakes. pressurized chamber. demands. crack. fall. etc etc. i think my best contribution probably was the fact that i played continuos and various things beside the piano. that's what mattered. there were tons of better pianists here.

about that- i may feel a little pathetic as i am no longer a young puppy, and should know better, blah blah. but at the same time, i do have to realize that all directives of my actions and thoughts are usually not piano-centered anyways; it rarely was, and it will probably never be. for me, piano is a mean of an expression, a tool of a kind. and hence learning a few basics of harpsichord/organ/clavichord was the same thing. just learning the tools of the trade so that should the need arise, i can always be able to babble some. and in a fact, that makes me think of a friend i know: this girl went to a high top notch conservatory to study cello. scholarship and everything. drops off the program, studies LSAT and now in law school.

and i asked why; she simply said there isnt enough time to do both- music and other things. so she kept music as a interest (very keen interest haha) and decided to study something that is much broader. good for her.

i suppose im not too far from it. only thing in piano-related thing i havent really digged on would be vocal coaching. and i am sure i will get on it, as it's one of the few top priorities of 'to learn' list. when and where will come when the time's right.

i wondered if i was at the right place this time. most of the time, i understood what they wanted me to be, whatever that may be. however, i wasnt exactly the right cut. im too thin skinned, too dependant on personal relationship to my instrumentalists to play music (which is impossible in a shrot duration festival setting), has too wide range of interests, and find things beside music too fascinating (right now it would be collection of prints and annotated research book on british illustrator/printer hogarth, who, by the way, made series of prints that became the inspiration for stravinsky's opera, rake's progress. see, at least i learned to justify these far-fetched activities as 'useful' stuff, ha ha), too opinionated, somewhat lax in professional conduct (too casual/cavalier), etc.

however, i know i will be walking out with some real possibilities of further bonding with very few, but incredibly fascinating people. and knowing that a few people even really like the way monkey plays is a big relief. not only because they liked my playing (yes, call me shallow, it matters to me. at least i can acknowledge the fact) but also took interest to get to know me a bit. why i am the way i am. these are the real bondings that i dig. it makes everything else worthwhile. so what if im a bit battered from past three weeks? there are relationships that i could foster for next three decades if i want to. and which i will.

nick d., monica h., lady lev, old friend gm, newly acquainted mutual friend sm, a convolutly connected yk, continuo buddy t, on top of i suppose now 'old' friends such as j and g at the office, there are some special people.

for three wks, that's kinda amazing.

i have couple reading sessions left and then i will be enroute back to toronto. then back in september. now im gonna get some candies with my 'artist' card which will expire on saturday, which will give me the full right to be a normal person again, not a serious 'artist,' and i am looking forward to the summer coming. there's still more of summer left. and boy. life is unexpected, exciting, frustrating, but never boring. at least in this monkey's view.