talk with my double grand marnier

the days are faster, harsher and to be honest, surprisingly demanding/abrasive at times. but i suppose it's because i am too sensitive, a big baby. it's a bit of schizophrenic life here as a piano kid. but everyone seems to be holding alright, tall, proud and smiling. well, im kinda dented, but i suppose i can at least squeeze out a silly face. i realize that i may have a look of defeat from the day, but really, it's not appropriate for me to advertise my 'hard' life to others. i know that it's not others' business to be considerate in a sense that i need to perform certain tasks and that they need to be done as well as it could be. simple. what i need to do to get it done, simply should not be their concern, but just mine.

because it's my work you see. not their work.

i signed and i am working. if i need to produce a certain product, it is my bloody job to deliver what's asked of me, or as much as i could.

it's not anything to do with me, but of what i need to do. practical, cold? i dont think so. practical without having emotional attachment. there's no real need for cushioning life. it's always going to be what it is. sometimes lucky, sometimes unfair. the wheel of the fortune goes round and round.

luckily i have a banff family. or what it seems like a family. people who love and care for me just because i happened to be who i am. no more or less is asked of me. just being me in banff seems to be enough of a reason for these wonderful individuals to care for me.

i am bloody lucky that there are people who are willing to take the effort just for me, for nothing in return, but just keep monkey sane and somewhat safe. and there has been some old topics, re surging but always with same answers..

no1, mr. H is right, i shouldnt really care about small remarks. i can only do what i can. it's not ideal, but it's what it is. and these people who may make damaging remarks may not even know, or EVER know what/how that remark dented monkey. not their problem, and it does not need to be my problem either.

secondly, miss J is right. i always at least put my neck on line, playing unsafe.and that's the way i think. so when you do that, sometimes you take a flop. but at least you are taking chances. yes. i would rather play out and be wrong at times. if it's wrong i can fix it. if it was never said, well..

numero 3, big bro figure G is just really looking out for me. and it's real luxury to have someone cares for you, just because they happen to like you as a person. no return, no barter, no exchange. i offered him a pint on behalf of monkey/mr. salamander, but i suppose G is determined to collect his drink from mr. salamander himself, haha. whenever it may be... G, you can cash it out as a pitcher, with such interest. interest that you earn with heart.

and also no. 4, lady M always looks out for monkey. smile, a wave, whatever. lucky me.

i had a double of grande marnier and it's partially the honesty of alcohol talking now.i dont like to let it out when things are a little difficult,because i think now i understand that im a little too sensitive,unnecessarily so,counterproductively so perhaps.but that's the way im built and i suppose that's the way it goes for me.last couple days here at banff havent been exactly a cakewalk. but it's not about me is it-it's about music.nothing to do with me in fact. what am i anyways? im just another human being who decided that music is desirable enough that i can bank the next little bit of my life on it. that's all. and if it does not matter, why do it?

so it's alright if monkey gets a little dented.by end of the third week, i hope that something has been said and something has been communicated.and if that's gonna happen, some wrong notes are inevitable.it would be better if there is less of it, so i will work on it.and hopefully learn to grow some thick skin. but for now, to quote a friend: well, (he knows) when (i) had enough monkey- go rest.call me from your bed to report!hahaha.
that's my blessing. all these people in my life. everywhere i go, i always have people looking out for me,and not just because it's part of their own self interest,but also because for some bizarre reason they decided to care for me. same here in banff, no exception.

i hope to grow out of this needy puppy phase and perhaps even start to offer something for others, rather being so needy all the time.but for today,i am sustained not by food, not by sleep,but by the people who love and care for me,and the first on the list (i have enough to have a list!!) is mr. salamander.

thank you for your love for me.words may do some justice for what it means for me,but it's not so necessary as hearts talk more clearly without words.

a long day, much work, some abrasions, some roadrashes,some crushed feelings and some tears, but it's all going to be okay.because i know that i am much loved, for no other reason than i am who i am. which. makes. it. another. spectacular. day.

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