12.9.09

price of staying alive for this wk: $365


optical exam (which is no longer covered by ontario health insurance): 100
contact lens order: (at least) 100
glasses ordered over web: 65
medication refill: 100
total damage: 365

it's an expensive week. however, it does make me laugh a little that my eyes are sooo bad. silly enough, if stayed as a coffee wench@$bucks, all the vision cares would have been paid for. perhaps it's something to reconsider for all the freelancers of canada to think of. dang. my prescriptions are -10.75 and -10.00.

i am much convinced that if i was born as a wild animal of a sort (ie. no human post natal care etc), i would prob died on the same day i wouldve been born (i weighed measly 2.2kg. that's 4.85lbs. apparently the average weight of a baby is 7.5lbs (applies to 95% of the newborns). and i failed one of the important reflex test: sucking reflex. apparently i just didnt have enough energy to suck milk. which lead to being fed intravenously. needles all over my bold head etc. within 2 months of incubator stays, i left with some additional weight of: 200g or something. ha ha.
supposedly that number is also kinda crap.

so here it was, a preemie with myopia (i didnt get glasses until i was 8 or 9. i thought the world was always blurry). wee fiddly thing.
i also broke couple things (esp. the left arm/hands and toes) multiple times, my joints are hypermobile (it's a possibility for me to pop my shoulders out stretching. or falling for no reasons). shattered my upper jaw in a bike accident, was required to be rebuilt for years and year (and my parents have already started to pay for orthodontist. go back to square 1. grr).

i required much attention and as i grew up there were more medical expenses. going nutters will costs you heavily, especially in the states. meds, treatments, clinics, whatever, you name it. i do know that i am more accident prone than most of people and that i am blind as a bat. and the costs will just keep adding on.

however,

i am able to move as much as i can, not as fast as i can but enough to be at least an average speed mover. my hearing is almost intact save a very small portion on top and i am rather proud of my hand-eye coordination and dexterity. though the eyes are crap, i take decent photos and enjoy the varying depth of colours (unlike lots of men- 7%, who are at least partially blind). i am grateful that i can process abstract thoughts, understand and often even be able to create something from those comprehensions. i can relate, talk, even try to be witty and be sociable, especially in company of my lovely friends.

i try to be compassionate, attentive and opinionated while remembering that i have to differentiate the two thing: acknowledging and tolerance. i dont have to like something, but i will do my very best to acknowledge the difference. and if i dont like it, well, i may not be converted, but will always try my best to tolerate. i often wear my heart on the sleeve and am a $hit liar. because i dont think i need to lie. so i never really looked into it.

im a clumsy dancer but i can be surprisingly graceful in music (for a monkey that is) and being able to chop veggies, talk and not cut off my fingers. so that's good enough. not everyone can be physically graceful. i will gladly take the ability to be somewhat graceful at very few moments over being an oaf.

i know. it's all 'i's today. well, some days are like that, dont you agree? if i dont take care of myself, why would anyone? even if they do, if i do not care, what would be the point? and though i tend to be dismissive regarding many things, perhaps some basic things such as optical exams, shouldnt be overlooked (though i really went just because i have no spare contacts left and needed new prescription, hahaha).

so the grand damage of the week, i suppose, is a very small price to pay. and there'll always be more things to pay for. a human being, like any other organism, needs to consume (though i did not need to buy a new coat this wk i suppose) in order to survive. food. water. affection. intellectual and sensory stimulation. love. respect. all those things are needed (desperately) by a person, in order to be somewhat sane and happy.

ofcourse, one cannot be happy all the time, nor one should be. if you are happy all the time, how would you eve know that you could be unhappy? often the needs are not met in a perfect condition. you may be thirsty and prefer beer but could only afford tap water or something, for an instance. but the lovely thing is that there are enough variants in a personal needs that one can always find something to be happy about.

this week's medical bills are not funny. actually as pathetic as it may sound, for someone who does not make a crazy amo. of money and who is determined to clear another 3200 (student loan) before the end of the year, it is somewhat of a dent. sigh. however. with that proportionally small bill, i will be able to continue to see my life. and be aware and alert. not a such a bad price i suppose. for the things that i get in return. if i want to be completely waste-free, no-frills, i suppose the best way to do it is to 'do oneself in' but that's no good. therefore, monkey has no real other choice but to at least give back to her environment at least much materials she consumes- especially re: her peeps.

so myopic, now-broke monkey should go on for the day, with some sort of hope and determination that by end of the day, i must have contributed something back. for the total cost of being alive and some more (damned 365CAD bill), i may as well be functional, contributing and a happy person.

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