x-rated self confession

early snowfall in the rockies. thanksgiving wknd. fallen leaves and lingering tails of nights. paler morning lights and fading afternoon sun. tis that time of the year again, though this recent time-leap into winter is rather unnerving. i felt as if i was transported through time, directly to chrismastide as i sat and had glass of port by the fires of farrally hall. i think it is perhaps the best thing i have done this fall term, to reside in farrally. hooray. human conditions- or should it be humane?

anyways. as the first wk excitement turned into semi-concrete establishment of each individuals, i sense that people are taking a look around- not just the maps and locations of groceries and such, but of fellow residents. this artist colony is a fantasy magic world. we all escaped for a little, some longer than others, but same ideas: to leave the practical empirical world to be frivolous, impractical and fanciful. i keep thinking if one wants to be super efficient, the way to do it is dig a grave and lie in it asap. life itself is expensive (in all sense of the word) and impractical. only thing that makes the validation of such frivolous experience is perhaps that we were all born at a point of time and that we are all progressing through the passage of time. time- flexible and incomprehensible, as such geniuses- hawking and einstein have struggled through, is the equalizer. and since one isnt able to understand this base medium of human condition, one may as well ride with it. full-on. not half-assed, dozing off of boredom.

last night was the first real party at banff music/sound. one thing i do dig this term is that the audio slaves and instrument slaves are mingling quite well. i like these engineer dudes. they, for me, sits on the line between practical and fanciful worlds. they are the thickness of the coin- two different faces, still one thing. just enough material and thickness to makes the impressions of both places to make the coin a possibility. a reality. anyhows.

one thing i learned over the years is to read people in detail. that's what my job entails: to read, understand and collaborate. even to anticipate at some level. i do not have my own project and people from all kinds of background come and work with me. sometimes the situation is simple as i work for THEM, but often it gets complicated and wonderful as we work for US. so to go beyond the normal means of communication is one of the most wonderful challenges of my job, though i still kinda suck at it. gestures. upbeats. ques. the small movement that distinguishes the contact of the bow on string to actual 'pulling' of the sound. that kinda things.

and it becomes quite handy in all other situations of life. such as deciphering people as a third person. at the party, as winter approached in a hurry, it brought some kind of catalytic element in human bonding. and i dont mean to follow up on the general consensus on 'artist colony' about 'loose morals' and 'sexual liberation' (gosh these are such 60s-70s terms) as a given, as i think they are quite misleading. what i think i saw is innate attractions of very sensitive individuals to other flock of sensitive individuals. and as one learns to tune into self (as we all try to death in this profession anyhow; i am not saying it does not happen in general public, but i think it is safe to assume that musicians being frivolous by definition, there are definitely higher concentration and allotment for such 'tuning'), i think it is inevitable to be drawn to another person in all context- conversational, social to even physical partnership. as long as one is able and willing to handle such transition that is.

flicker of eyes. the small touches on skin to skin. synchronized laughter. these are all capable of expressing so much more. facial expression or smallest body movements can speak louder than any word could, and me being totally asexual in a sense, i am watching the world go by, and i am quite happy to do so at the moment, as i really do believe moments for each individual comes when it's the right time. for me, at this banff residency, in a peculiar sense, i am slowly gravitating toward winter solstice, which i may claim as my 'time' of fire- fire of the kitchen, of burning coals, of touches and entanglement. though the oldest game of the world, once again, takes place- with this weird sense of fatality, inescapable, i am not taking a part as it is not my game. someone has to watch sometimes and once in a while, it's even voluntary!

anyhows. i am sensing this magnetic pulls of people and i have to say that i am quite envious. not because i want to be part of the game, but because of the actions of the game- the touch, embrace, gracious sharing of personal self. i am not envious or jealous of actual individuals and their pursuits, but of their sensations. knowing how powerful a simple touch on the neck could be, or a gentle tug on the sleeves, resting on someones shoulder, spooned in a cocoons, i cant help but to be a little green. but like everything else in the world, this is not my turn to participate, but to watch.

one friend made a comment: what happens in vegas should stay in vegas so who cares? i think well, hopefully you will still be the same person, vegas or not. and the weird truth is that whatever i may attempt in desperation, let's say, is only going to be a stand-in for what i really want. the person i am meant to be with. the person i crave. the person i am terribly addicted to. so attracted that nothing-no one else could possibly even stand in for a second. it is the thinnest interest, a musing to even attempt to contemplate a diversion. because i dont want the diversion. and i rather have nothing than have something that is 'similar.'

but i couldnt help thinking about the human touch and the overbearing explosion of shared selves in the party. that flood of emotions, sensations and life that becomes thicker than blood. hot. coppery. real. salty. kindling the flames of kiln in my being, i am quieting the human desires. with the biggest hope i can muster- that at least, as always, time progresses forward. toward my axis. to home. where the flames will ignite and roar in the midst of the winter, proper mixing of air and fire.