this is barely the end of the first week back in canada. phew. nothing died nor burned. so i suppose things are alright. there are many emotions and feeling that will be sorted out as time will pass by. and there is nothing more to be done in such cases. like baking cake. you have to put the batter into the oven and wait. nothing more nothing less. how frustrating! well, if you are seasoned baker, you will also add the time to 'cool' the cake. so really, the actual baking is just the middle step, grunt.

it's been nicely busy, here and there. much to either surprise or expected, i have not played the piano since my uk audition. partial reason was hyper-extended right thumb. another was lack of goal. perhaps the biggest one was the drag of an emotional deflation, when things dont go well, or rather, not the way you wanted it to go. though some thinks that i tend to take a big break since 'coming back' isnt too difficult of a process- well, im just not very motivated i think.

now, i am not bragging. i am no mean a very natural player i dont think. i didnt even start to play until i was much older and did quit playing many times, either with broken arms/hands or just plain refusal to do music. but i do believe 'easing back' can be a reasonably easy process. whenever i take a big break, which i do quite frequently- either due to travel schedule or lack of practice space, whatever it may be, i say to get back up to about 80% capability, i would need about a week. and it's been consistently so for couple years now. and yes, i do go through a loose system to ease into it. but that is entirely another post just for nerdy pianists.

anyhows, so after all that travelling and bashing head against the grey clouds, along with some of the most beautiful sights and memories, last week has been 'plug-back-to-grind' week. some different kinds of works. working as audio monkey, some as piano monkey (for instance, bassoon class at the con tomorrow), occasional house-managing guard dog duty (backstage attending). unlike the coffee wench days, at least it's all somewhat related to the same thing: music. also returning back to the gym (ive been fattend up nicely over the winter. if i had to do a tunnel hike, i may die because i would have deliverately throw myself over the rock), walking a lot (i still have to collect my old bike, which i should do soon), so busy. then add ethnic shop grocery shopping, occasional concerts, brunch/catch up sessions- it's getting full(er than it was during holidays).

while running around in semi-fail pattern during the day, ive been thinking about a very particular issue and though it is too personal of an issue to openly spread on the world-wide-web (though i do love the attention at times), i have decided to focus on one main thing: money. in order to make some things possible, i have to try to get into income bracket of 40,000 for a fiscal year. now. why is this so daunting?

for average salary in toronto, apparently that equates to about 20/hr, working full time (40 hr/wk, 50 wk/year). as of 31-03-10, the minimum wage in city of toronto would be 10.25 CAD. according to the last census, along my age group, the average looks like this:

Median full-time earnings: 25- to 29-year olds (2005 dollars):
Men $43,767
Women $32,813
*Source: Statistics Canada

to make 40,000. hmmm.

i never really cared about earning as i have a very convenient life style: of travelling dirt really. since i left the city to head down south, ive been moving around so much and travelling, that last ten years has been a life changer really. and to make that happen, not only i had to arrange for resources (it helps to have supportive people and system built-in), i also had to make compromises between work and time. the old old dilemma. and when the grown-up job opportunities came, i ran the other way, and joined pimple faced sixteen-year olds at a coffee shop. then came the banff mountain sage (if i may call it) days, recently ending with a brilliant if demanding time in the old world. and this is the first time that i looked into my income as something that need to be worked out.

and honestly that number chokes me.

with my degree and etc, people have told me, no worries, you will get there (financial okay-ness, i will never be super rich, as being rich involves not only skills but of dedication and great personal interest, which i lack sorely, if for now). but i want to make 40k within a year.

i dont think it's going to happen.
how would that work? even if i take all the work i could possibly can?
i never felt so inept and felt rather crushed as i was thinking about this number.
tomorrow is another day and i will do my little jobs as arranged, but if i am to make this number, ooh i have to get out and go get them, tiger. but how?

with such big number, let me write it out: forty-thousands-and-no-cents-dollars, i felt limp today, on way back to the treetop branch. if you have suggestions please do pelt me with it. i shouldve may be grow up sooner. if i was dedicated in financial success (whether possible or not), i wouldnt have felt so- devitalized. and now, to basket, with heavy head. good night/day bid to you all. and good luck avoiding such crash- i am sure this limpness will pass, but i also find it somewhat funny that this number seems so daunting. it's just a number after all.

Read: http://www.cbc.ca/money/story/2008/05/01/censusfeature.html#ixzz0hwKqUGeP

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