15.3.10

animated love


(small monkey, with that very familiar expression: wha? paternal gene pool's fav pic of me. hopefully he'll still have a 'fav pic' of me after the impending doom/ torrent of a sort)

often it is interesting to look back to the past and find a familiar however strange reflection of a self. once was, no longer is, however realistic- in a sense one is an accumulation of all things imaginable: heterotopias, memes, collective knowledge, inherited biometrics, you name it. the past exist only because the present is in progress. progress toward the future, which no one could be sure what it may become. and future must exists as the present could never pause, it marches on its own steady beat, the thread being churn out by the three ladies of fate, ever so steadily, impersonal and disinterested in the courses of individual strands. the only unfair and fair quality among the variable human lives.

out of curiosity, i looked into last year march, trying to see what i was doing- i couldnt exactly remember. that's what records are for, i suppose. recently there was an interesting article on the new scientist, the british science aficionado magazine, about historical archiving in plastic formats, mostly electronic mediums. this did not strike me odd at first, but the more i think of it, curiouser it gets. if the mediums actually do not exist, or gets destroyed (hard disc failure sounds familiar to anyone yet?), what would survive? and how does one know that the survived images are any accurate at all? there was another article i read awhile ago regarding the accuracy of the human memories: false memory. in a nutshell, it talks about the idea of memory as a narrative, meaning it is always refreshed and reconstructed at each and every instances. and depending on the pre-context and assimilation/amalgamation of ideas, it is possible and often impossible to distinguish the exact-objective-past vs. personal-subjective-narrative of past.

well, last year about this time, i was working on busoni violin sonata. the week from hell really, as the composition is difficult and the instrumentalist was truly a world-class, technically and emotionally. learned in less than a month and put together in four days, i still believe it was one of the most demanding experiences of my life yet to date (though i do think there's something just around the corner at the moment- personal aspects). i remember getting up at 4am and practicing in my banff studio, looking at the yet-invisible-cascade mountains, still covered in slumber, with no one in sight, not even the morning creatures that used to greet monkey as she climbed morning trails by herself, as often as she could. and up to the concert day, i was skeptical and critical: once so much works have been done and one have dedicated self towards a project, it becomes impossible to be indifferent about the result. i wished i could be all very cool and not caring, however it was the opposite. i looked at the score just about 10 minutes ago- and whatever the value of my memories may be, i could remember each marking and reasons, the coaching and rehearsals- every page, every phrase. this was THE friday concert that my boss signed me up for the fall 2009 term: a reasonable success. and i was happy. my instrumentalist lifted me up in the air to give me a bear shake in green room while we went out for three bows.

i remember calling and texting, skyping and writing to various people who have been with me during that journey, to keep me safe and sane, as the process could not been easy, for both monkey and the company. i was relieved and though not euphoric, satisfied- and listening to the recording, i still am reasonably proud. recording is not memory. it is an endowment from my friends to me. all i did was a bit of practice. but to be able to practice, i needed and received the help and support, all offered freely without qualifiers and conditions. and that's how monkey survived. fed with love.

much things have changed yet so many things are the same. like the small monkey pictures i put up on my personal account recently. though very small and wearing lots of dresses and bows, the small monkey in those old pictures still hold the very same expressions. especially the ones of amusement, indifference and a bit of attitude. hahaha. what a surprise. and just like that, so many things are still the same from last year in some respect, though the actual courses of events have been often turbulent and unexpected. some of the seedlings of last winter have brought many blossoms and blessings, lasting throughout the blistering sun and fading autumnal glory, even through the harsh frost and -40'c still air of the mountains, snow-blanketed europe and somewhat hollow, lighter self, returning to familiar yet strange home@yyz.

and here i am, at displacement zero, pondering what i should be doing. there are fortunately enough things to self-occupy and feel not-so-defeated on daily basis. for instance, the fish pie i made this wknd turned out spectacular, feeding PO after a long day, well-balanced dish, thought-through to help him with his dietary goals: quality protein, high fibre, low fat/sodium and colourful veggies. there are things that i want to achieve and there are couple different paths i could choose. without regards to the gene pools, some decisions would be very easy to make. some decisions would cause a great deal of joy as well as suffering. not very light decisions however rather than taking the shortcuts, i am wishing to take the courage to make the right decisions, if heavy weight. i look into the mirror and saw the same person i saw this morning while brushing teeth in hurry: damned daylight savings. however, there a little more courage and a hint of neutral optimism, fueled not by self, but from loved ones. now comes the rest in bed, i hope i can sleep well tonight as i have been short of quality sleep ever since i came back to yyz. pleasurable sleep so that i may burn a bit brighter tomorrow, courage rather than indignant resignation.

love to my loved ones for helping and animating a small monkey. i do remember you, as i take a bit of a sweet relief from self-imposed difficulties of daily life.


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