(from community of st johns, princeville, illinois, 2007 visit)

the things i got done for gabe recently:
clean up his room (26 lighters found so far)
got his parking ticket sorted out
got his student loan sorted out
got his credit card sorted out
got his phone bill sorted out
got his banking sorted out
apply for canadian pension plan stuff
apply for b.c. insurance stuff
sent off 7 thank you cards

things in process:
waiting for his last paycheque
get his 407 ETR account sorted out
finish writing thank you cards (will kill me)
call the embassy

meanwhile, along with a nasty cold (i thought i was dying seriously, coughing my sides out), with sunshine (high of 28 yesterday), also with constipated sky threatening rain (that would be today), i am looking into the first long wknd of the summer, victoria day wkind, it is the unofficial start of the summer.  my god, where did the spring go?  well. i know and you know where it went.  cant believe it's going to be almost a month since gabe died.

geographically, since then, ive been to kelowna and toronto. that's it really.  many offices and many papers done.  articles read, phone conversations, moments of homicidal insanity, if occasional.

boring reality aside, i was in many different places. i lived like dr faust, going places, jumping through times, hanging onto the sleeve of father time, a bit better company than mr. mephisto i must say.   i was in good old bohemia of 18th century, with two dancing bassoons, graceful as larks. i was in midwest, in thoughts and open arms of my friends,who welcomed a tired monkey back 'home' for a few moments, as home is where (my) family is.  i was in paris in thoughts of mr bearcub.  i am sure i was also in india when i was dealing with the lovely people of capital one credit card company, if through very sketchy internet phone help line.  i was in the open prairies, where the cross is graced with vast sky, saturated with the wonders during the day- the dawn, sun and dusk, even in the velvety dark sprinkled with stars, standing with the kind brothers of community of st. john, who kindly offered me a place to work and reflect in august (which i will do my very best to take!)

i was remembered and conversed in frankfurt-wiesbaden-mannheim-koln, stuttgart-aachen and essen along with wave-following mr. minnow.  as mr. dixon so kindly casted the magic, i was in late 19th century central-eastern europe, saturated in perfume of b flat major. i looked into the nest with no more hatchling, just now occasional pieces of broken blue shells- and i felt the great loss of reversed flow of life, mothers losing child. i went back to berlin, where i once bought a sweater for gabe with my last 40 euros in the pocket.  i went back to old house in korea where we used live, childhood pictures and stories. fragments of life that i have forgotten, now nudging me and holding onto my pant legs, like small endearing puppies.   i was casted in good old new oleans, drunken in rhythm of loose jazz. i have fallen through handful of darkest cracks- true crevasses, i did not see it coming. i just had option of- falling. i was in canada's wonderland amusement park, with hint of summer thunderstorm lingering on the air, tip of my nose and just so.  i was drinking the scent of fresh lemon in my gin and tonic, accompanying fresh summer tomatoes and sweet balsamic reduction, along company of very fine gentlemen, as i have, last summer- dressed in white gauze-thin shirts. all of us.

i was in the old building where we used live, where my bro's friend daniel lived just a few levels off.  walking up and down, carrying plate of dinner or something.  i was there, in the depth of the soil, where life and death is recasted, in form of softest, richest earth- gently covered with mosses, as i have seen in spring scotland, as i laid my brother into the ground and thought of him leaving this phase of life.

no wonder i am worn and sick. i thought i was going to die, breathing through straws two full nights, congested and such.  i ve been busy. going places. times. living. revisiting. thanking. feeling. crying. laughing. not caring much about the restrictions casted by 9-5 boring real world.   it's friday night and i am quite snug happy to be home doing nothing much. thank the lord. monkey's slowing down. hopefully i can kick this chest cold thing off me.  haha. ya. i thought i was really sick, then my mom saw me for two seconds last night and said: where did you pick up such nasty cold? ooh. shit. it wasnt anything big was it. ahahaha. well. it FEELS LIKE IT when you lose a night of sleep. i tell ya.

there's nothing i can do about a cold. funny, just like there's nothing i can do about death. or life. it goes on. and the road keeps going. sometimes better paved than the others. but the important thing may be that i am able to perceive that it's just a journey. nothing more, nothing less. there are things i cannot change. there are things i can only remember as past. but it's all fine. it's beautiful as is.  love to you all.  i hope your weeks been also full of such magic.

screw clocks and maps. those are for babies.

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