29.12.10

foggy update

dear gabe,

the eighth month anniv of your passing was rather quiet, blanketed by the boxing day craze- in lieu of gatherings and parties on top of this commercial maelstrom, it was quite difficult to keep in mind.  i was with mr. minnow's family and thought it was important that i be engaged and interactive. sounds like a science exhibition, no? but rest assured, sadly, you were in my mind. the whole time. especially when the cold moon, the last of the full moons of 2010, was up and bright, full and blue, illuminating through the hills of england, where i wanted to bring you rather eagerly.

the roads here are often swamped by the fogs.  the kind of fog that makes one a bit hesitant if one is not versed well with the local geography.  after couple days of real cold spell, we have regained the usual winter weather of england- wet and wetter.  the snow started to melt and the bit of sun that tried to crash through the blanket of clouds left the fogs rising and falling along the gentle crest of the hills. so when we started to head to leed with a friend to go see an opera, i think we took B6105 that goes through glossop to barnsley, then to M1, a real highway to leeds.  after glossop, B6105 is quite a curly road, full of oblique turns and rising and falling hills, by the edge of the reservoir.  on way to leeds, i saw a particularly nasty corner, now covered with flowers.  and the whole time, that corner was in my mind.  on way back, the same.  i was thinking may be i will miss it on the way back but i didnt.  it was still there.

i bet where you were, there has been no flowers.

i didnt put up any when i went to pick you up, as you were no longer there. and i didnt actually made it to the crash site, as i didnt have the mental power to do that. i am sorry, i was worn from contacting the police and the coroner, funeral director and travel arrangement and such.  however, it didnt mean much to me then nor now; you arent there. you are somewheres else.

the hills were really foggy at times and i wondered what it wouldve been like, the night you crashed.  it was supposedly pretty wicked weather, well, kelowna being the inner b.c., i can imagine it being somewhat magical and menacing, changing its appearances without warning.  beautiful yet malicious.

it's almost new year's. we all miss you here. you arent discussed much with others, i suppose it's because i am not yet so comfortable talking about it, as people have been very sensitive towards me this holiday, as it is the first christmas you arent here.  i dont think i will shed any tears especially, but it did hurt when the cold moon was so bright and all the stars were out in the hills. like the sensation at the dentist when he pokes you with the big metal syringe anesthetizer. perhaps i will keep you frozen in my senses. we are no longer two years, two months and twenty-two days apart.  but i would like to keep you at the same distance, though the life will bring me further and further away from you.

good night.
sleepy warmly with fog blanket.
soundly, silently, melt into the quiet consciousness.

No comments:

Post a Comment