27.1.11

ive been doing it wrong.

at age 31, i may be finally realizing that i have got this all wrong.  yep. not just 90' but a full 180'.  with all that schooling and everything else, with all the elaborate delusions such as 'thoughts' and 'being a humanist,' i have arrived to the grand total of zero. nothing to show for.

i earned couple degrees. too bad, because unless one shoves it to other people's faces, it's actually no use at all.  it's like my credit card.  my bank treats me very well, why? because i have the title before my last name.  yep. they call me dr. lee.  when i go to work, people often dont even remember my name. even if they do, i am someone who they can order around to move some chairs and stuff.  god forbid, she actually understand anything about this arts business? my education is apparently worthless, because after all that, im still worthless to most of the world.

couple days ago, i was recording at a location.  the dude decided to be graceful and thank everyone who were involved.  except he realized that he just thanked my boss (who wasnt there), not i.  then he realized that it's me, who is sitting lamely at a desk with headphones on.  how inconvenient. so he tried to reprimand by 'also thanking (me).' but really, embarrassingly enough, he could not remember my name, save his life.  it was rather unnecessary, to embarrass me like that in public: ya, thanks to err, what's your name, i cant remember, but anyways, you are someone who is recording my recital. geez, great, thanks. sorry, i suppose.

then getting yelled at, by what i 'should' described as 'visiting composer/artist.'  

there are no shortages of these signs: people freely taking credit for my work, in my face.  people who blame me for their lack of organization.  people who is eager to crush me, personally. onto dirt.  

ive been given so many opportunities to be 'successful.'  i ran into so many 'famous' people.  only if i was any good at 'networking' and keeping in touch, i could have lot more things i suppose. i could be making money. i could get used to getting addressed as 'dr.,' with loads of glossy respects in their voices. i could have been invited to fancy things and nice projects.

except i have nothing.

that's right. i have nothing to show for. i am at age 31 and has no wealth to prove nor have a great title to press people on.  i thought i love every single work i ever did, or at least try- well, i am mistaken.  i may love my work, but you see, it's either never right or it is not important at all. even better, often, regardless of what i actually do/not do, i am always in a prime position to be punched on face.  so obviously, loving my work is a stupid thing to do.  what i should do is care about 'promoting' and 'networking' the worth of my work.  the work itself is not important, is it.

i will try to hang on to the end of the semester.  i signed the contract to play some notes and move more chairs.  i cant be so totally destroyed that i will go back on my words.  no no. but yes, i should let go of this delusion that caring for the world and my work, people around me actually makes any difference. only difference i see is that people somehow turn against me. because- well, i dont really know, i suppose because i am 'wrong.'  i should leave this arts business to important and 'educated' people.

today, i feel worthless.  i havent felt that way in a long time. 

well, perhaps it's a sign. may be i will grow up.  please finish breaking this idealist moron, full of useless hopeful expectation into something useful. 

2 comments:

  1. love, hugs and care to you, from one who loves you deeply, and to whom you are beautiful. i hope the world will look brighter today. love.

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  2. to clarify to others: well, the fact is that i dont really care about my own title. they do. because i walk around with no title imposed on them, they think they can kick me around. and it's always them who changes after learning my title. it's rather confusing.

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