11 months and 11 days

hello wee bro! hope you are chillin'well while monkey's been burning 12 hours days. well, i know, i should be better organized but i do have to say that some family chores ate up some serious hours as well this week.  me and dad finally made an appointment at the cemetery to order your grave monument.  never i thought i would be taking the york transit bus on a freezing cold day to meet dad at the cemetery to discuss the 'aesthetics' (they say) or 'costs' (as i say) haha.  but that's what needed to happen. did you know that you cant even really just walk into the cemetery for these things? there has been line ups, i was told. crazy. i never knew. correction. i never have thought about.

mom's been quite anxious about getting your 'name card,' she really wanted to have one done by your first anniversary.  and well, it'll be a little late, as it's been 11 months and 11 days (coincidence.  you know i like symmetry eh?) and it will take approx. 8 wks to be delivered and mounted.  sorry, we really tried to do it as fast as we can; heck, if we left it to you to do it, it wouldve still be on your desk! haha.  anyways, she'll be counting the 56 days now. oops. now 55 days. they said they will call us to let us know once it arrives.

these things are bloody expensive? since you were a dandy, i 'decided' that you wont have any of those cheesy roses or huge face of mother mary on your thingy.  btw, you will be sharing a double tag with granny. yep. granny on your left and you on her right. mom/dad will be on the plot beside you.  so anyhows, we decided on the most plain one (even that still have to have a cross!) but you do get a granite base (mom wanted to give you a bit of pizazz). with grand total of 3500! haha. did you know that it is expensive to die? apparently it's because brass is expensive. i wonder then why they casts with the expensive metals. anyways. it's a business i suppose.

i bought a small bouquet of flowers; i had to kinda fight for it.  there's a dude who sells flowers in front of the subway. he had one left and me and the other dude reached for it almost at the same time. he asked who it is for- and i said it's for my mom/dad, so that they can drop it off for you tomorrow on the ground. he quietly withdrew his hands and wished me a good evening.

so after signing the big bill, we went to look for you; though row 10 plot 31 wasnt the easiest to find, as land markers were very small and mostly covered with growing grass.

dad looked for you. it's the first time ive seen him in the cemetery without other family members, especially mom.  i thought he looked 'cold' (it was blister cold yesterday) and lonely.  he's not the big man he used to be.  and he carefully looked on ground, trying to figure out the plot system.  and then he looked away from me and said:

'i cant find him-'

he continued to look, trying to approximate where you are. i walked on waterlogged earth to find the markers. and yes, we found you.

'dad, here he is.'
'are you sure?'
'i found the ground markers.'

you wouldve seen us, dropping you some daisies.  a man dropping teeny weeny daisies for his wee son.  and a monkey with empty hands, shivering from the unkind april drizzle and wind.

as we drove away, i asked him how he felt. he simply said '- it's a loss. wasteful loss.'

'he was straightening out himself, well-on track for last couple years.  i think he was heading to the right direction with right kind of energy.  but that doesnt matter. how wasteful.'

i suppose we wouldve paid that money for grave markers at some point for someone in the family. but as he said, what a loss. even wasteful.  we'll see you once your fancy bronze things come.  or no, probably on your anniversary.  as of today, it's 11 months and 11 days that youve been away from us. from me.  you make me feel as if a corner of my heart has crumbled, like a very old book, where pages literally disintegrate when touched.