28.6.11

my unconsciousness is a $hit skit writer

the other morning, i apparently woke with a sob. i thought i was rather waken by minnow for no good reason at all- and to add to confusion, it seemed that i was teary. what on earth?  well, it was a vivid dream.  one of those that you are completely immersed in, without any sense of 'sleep,' where it becomes more real than real.

i cant exactly remember what was going on, but i tried to collect and remember as many things as possible, as it left me feeling a bit sorrowful.

i was driving somewhere in a car, with my dad.  we were at the intersection near my parents' house and somehow, while making a left turn, we got T-ed by a passing red car. so we all got out of the car and started to pour out individual frustration- for some reason, we were on way home and we were late for something, mom was supposedly waiting for us.  then a bizarre thing: a spot light came up from nowheres, i initially thought it mustve be the police light, as we were blocking a huge intersection of 3 lanes each ( ! ) but boy, i was wrong.

that light was supposedly from a ufo. yep. this is the point i shouldve realized that im in a silly dream and that it will really have nothing to do with anything else really (often one could tell that they are in a silly dream, no?) but in this case, it made all sense, actually i wasnt even sure how it happened really, but i assume that the light was from a ufo, as we were instantaneously transferred to another physical location, what looked like an airport lounge.  boring sofas and florescent lights and such.

and then all the sudden, the dudes who were on the other car just started to take their jackets off- not only the cloth, but of what appear to be a make-up faces!  (i love how one's unconscious can be so creative while hitting every cliche there is)

alien 1: well, at least this time, the stop was short
alien 2: i know, it really was getting a bit tedious-
monkey: excuse me, what is really going on?
alien 1: urr you are a local, what are you doing here?
monkey: you tell me- you made a crap turn on red then-
alien 2: dont worry about it, it's all fine.
monkey: what's all fine?
alien 2: the captain says that this is the last time we'll be stopping here for a bit
monkey: stopping where?
alien 1: see, earth always has been a money-losing stop in the cruise-
monkey: a cruise? what the-
alien 1: yeah, weve been doing this ship work for a while-
alien 2: and earth is always problematic, especially-
monkey: wait, okay, so you guys were just stopping by and-
alien 1: yeah, we were trying to get to the pick-up point then-
monkey: ah well, okay but you see, we need to get back-
alien 2: well, urr i dont think that'll happen,
alien 1: captain was saying that we wont be back to earth for at least 20 years
alien 2: and we would hardly miss it really,
monkey: but you dont understand, my mom is waiting for me?
alien 1: well, seriously, there's not much we can tell you.
dad: - shit. fine. screw it then. (flops on next couch, flabbergasted)
monkey: i dont think you understand,

I NEED TO GO BACK
MY MOTHERS WAITING FOR ME
SHE ALREADY LOST A SON LAST YEAR
I HAVE TO GO BACK
PLEASE ANYTHING I WILL DO ANYTHING

i buckled down to my knees and start to bawl.

then i woke. only to be completely lost- and tasting the salt of my own tears. what a confusion. minnow was holding me, gently soothing: everything's alright, what happened?

i have no idea. perhaps a dream is just a dream.

ive been busy tagging along with minnow to various things- bbc concerts, new dr dee tech rehearsal for manchester international festival (minnow is leading the pit orch, which is pretty awesome) which opens soon, and the latest, series of six concerts of threads orchestra (jazz fusion band minnow plays with; they do some wicked music, check them out, im not saying it just because he's involved in it, serious).  in fact, we were staying over in the little town of burnsall, as  part of yorkshire tour.

whenever i see a roadside monument, i think of my little wee brother. it's a habit- i dont think it's necessarily bad, but the fact i cant help it kind of bothers me.

helping the band out with surveys and cd sales, striking the sets and etc., has been alright but i did start to feel a bit weird- as if their tour started to accentuate the fact that i am a musician who IS NOT playing at the moment, which makes me take a second look at my own identity: if im a musician and i am not playing, what does that make me?  anyways... on that, i will be back to practice shortly i think (yay), with renewed self interest, which is a necessity.

i didnt get a chance to call them on sunday, ive been trying to call twice a week but with tagging along, often i miss the time to make the calls (thanks, time zone difference), and i was starting to feel a tad bit guilty for not calling. of course, i could easily say: they can also call, buggers.

the truth is that they would have, if they could, i believe.  me doing the things that they cannot comprehend makes it impossible for them to reach out to me actively- but at least we are on open communication now, especially after loss of gabe.  if it is excruciatingly difficult for them to call me, then of course, i should call.

and perhaps that's where it all added up.  aliens- well, i suppose there HAS TO BE some element of comical surprise in a random dream. heh.  what's even funnier is that on that airport lounge-ish place, there were other 'cruise' workers passing by, and some of them were actually my friends who have worked for cruise lines (they even waved! how silly)

with the salty awakening, i felt a bit empty.  i miss mom. mom must miss me.  family is a difficult but a very real thing. important aspect of one's life.  i always wonder if there's better way to speak to my parents, especially mom, who is a major softie- only if i was a bit softer, things could be easier. and i am making my best efforts.  and there it was, in middle of this silly mental fiasco, a simply whacked dream:

i will always return.
i am a daughter. i belong to a family.
i do love-
alive, a bit far, little difficult, but nevertheless,
warm and connected,
gone, always close to my heart,
no longer conflicted yet a hollow point in my heart,
always present,
i love you.

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