13.5.12

-oft the tears are flowing, oft they flow from my memory's treasure.


http://youtu.be/zhMC-aiLvmw

today is mother's day in canada.  as an average blue collar family, we decided to get together at a local buffet lunch (eliminate conflicts of preferences, prices, all sorts of problems) (and it does not break the bank)- my older brother even brought his girl friend for the first family-wide meet (she has met my parents couple weeks ago i believe).  couple laughters, varied conversations, bit of disagreements, plenty of food, it was all good.

mother's day is an interesting one.  as a child, whether young or older, one often forgets things about others, including mom. life is busy and things are in constant demand.  one 'must' progress at work and make 'better' for self.  success is important and one's own happiness seems be the supreme goal of the western world- at least in my generation. as result, we often find a big surprise in may- oops, mother's day! i almost forgot! perhaps, as artificial as it may be, without mother's day, some of us may actually forget to think of our mothers- hopefully not for too long.

however, as a mother, i hear that it is hardly possible to not to think of one's child, even for a moment.  it becomes an occasion to forget about the child.

i know that mom held gabe close to her heart today, as she does everyday.  as a mother, she did not bury him on ground, she buried him deep within herself, a prometheus wound, that opens up every time she thinks of him.  and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  the missing child will stay young, beautiful and alive, only because mom keeps feeding him with her love- which will have no end.

i also think of a dearest blue heron lady who recently lost her mother.  as a mother herself, as she carries her child with her, blue heron lady now carries her mother in her as well.  it is a beautiful thing that she's got heart large enough to feed both, along with her love for music, BAM (dad) and other friends who are lucky to know her.  and also of another friend who walked in mom's memory on beautiful sunday afternoon, quiet pause on mount pleasant, mother who grows in her heart, like a beautiful plant, as grass grows anew every year in may.

i think of my grandmother, who had to watch mom lose gabe, while having to take gabe into her heart as well.  her fragile heart that almost stopped this winter, carrying the weight and stories from her 87 years long journey.  she wont have much longer yet she will continue to collect as much as she can- and i will continue to walk along with her and collect more stories, as once she leaves, there may be nothing more that she can share with me.

my brother's girl friend, i wonder what she thinks being with us on mother's day.  her own mom's back in korea.  i wonder how she carries her mom- as i tend to forget about my mom often, citing busy schedules and such as an excuse (bit low, i know).  as a child, i think it is inevitable.  every child has mom.  we take it as a default.  love flows downward, they used say in korea. and i do believe it to be true- looking at my life, i did pain mom to get out to this world.  i was the result of if imperfect, but human love (as perfect love does not exist, in my thoughts. if love is to be real, nothing in life is real, therefore real love cannot be perfect)  of course i wished more regarding my parents- hoping they would provide me with everything i wanted, that they would be beautiful and loved by all my friends, that they could understand me automatically and would agree with me at all times, etc.  however, after all, i realize she's given me more than i could ever ask for- she has given me life and i was lucky enough to have nurturing parents.

my mom and i are quite far apart and we argue constantly on smallest things to biggest events- however, as i get older, i will find more and more layers of 'mothering' in myself.  and as she wont live forever, at certain point, i will be a mother-less child.  she would leave and even then, i am sure to find echoes of her love for me till the day i die. how do i know? well, it's simple- i think it's true.

mom isnt internet savvy.  i am not sure if she knows that i have a blog.  perhaps that is giving me a certain courage- rather, freedom to write this.  i never have the guts to tell her directly in person.  but whenever i look under my shirt and look into my heart, the thought is always very clear: i love you. i wish i could show them to you so easily- but may be you already know it. because you are a mother.

happy mother's day to all.
especially the ones who carry their forever-young child in their heart,
also the ones who carry their forever-beautiful mom in their heart.

*hahn-bin's youtube clip is on:
songs my mother taught me, dvorak,
from Ciganske Melodie, B. 104, Op. 55m:

songs my mother taught me, in the days long vanished;
seldom from her eyelids were the teardrops banished.
now i teach my children, each melodious measure.
oft the tears are flowing, oft they flow from my memory's treasure.

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