25.3.15

like tears in rain

since last post, the audition season came and left in a fury.  i feel very lucky to be able to meet people and work on projects that theyve been preparing for a long while, and i love the aspect that i can be part of their next step- even though it may be a bit arbitrary (let's face it, auditions are for administrative structure, not for music. it's weird but it kinda works. bit like democracy).

then came a short visit to texas to see one of dearest people in my life, dr nan. it is a weird thing to not to see someone for a long time but then we snapped back into conversation without a glitch. truly, time is relative.

and now, recitals are rolling into motion and as it often does in spring, there are much motions around me.

one best friend is moving to the west in summer.
another is getting married and moving to tajikistan.
one has finished phd and now back in america.
one old friend has recently died.
my parents are over to east asia for three months, first time being away in ages.
therefore, my granny's over at a private nursing care home for the first time.
loads of babies are on the way. i can almost hear the flutters of sleepless parents' eyetwitcing.
in a few days, i need to go put on flowers for bro's grave.
end of semester has been excited by the recent CUPE unit 1 strike.
this is the first summer where i wont be running off to europe so soon.
i would like to see if i can find a position at a summer camp or something- i think i can be good for someone, for certain things...

interestingly, it is me who is staying still at the moment. this is rare.

tonight,
the sky is blanketed with grey tears and yes, i wonder if i am a replicant. if i am a replicant, would i know when i would disconnect, that i have been alive? that it is no longer to be? if i have robot parts, would it be human feelings that i have or?

'- all those moments will be lost in time. like tears in rain...'

ah- take me to the sea.
show me those brilliant white sun-bleached shells once again.
let our feet sink into the sand, as the waves wash away the dirt of the days,
the tears of the world,
oscillating to the invisible heart beats.
when time stops,
my heart will also stop, full of wistfulness,
as to love, is to surrender, to lose.

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