new year's musing

so the festivities has left us and the world already experienced fair share of faith-shaking- it's only 7th of january, too. barely a week-old new year.

there has been a few posts that i have started but have not been able to finish- as they meander.

and i wonder if that's the true nature of this world, anyway.

with the useful and familiar format of information packaging, writing guidelines and forms, outlines and limits of informatics, it is easy to believe that the world works in linear fashion and it's always between the opposing poles of some sorts.

which leaves us all the extra-dimensions beyond 2-D to be forgotten. click. just like that. on or off.

i am having a kinda nasty sinus cold and somewhat trying to ignore the voice of the 'ghost of the self.'   perhaps it's the diminished physical state that brings up the 'bad' psychological state. or they are not related at all. perhaps it's lack of 'running' that is accentuating my messy mind.

ive been reading posts about 'blue monday' and importance of openness towards mental health issues. many people have pasted the pro-talk status on social media, and states that they would gladly open doors and make time to talk, etc.

perhaps im cautious or jaded, as these statements tend to add further confusion for me.

im what they call chronically depressed. i had that label on as long as i can remember.  i have seekd solutions and most of the time, i can rig enough variables so that im highly functioning.

but when things do take a dive, then i lost, especially when there is no major change(s) that may explain the dive downward to the dark water with no sound.

then i wonder if that's the way everyone feels, and that it is normal to not be so 'elated' all the time, as we are led to believe in so many different projections of life.

do i have a dream? do i need a dream? do i need to be passionate? is it simply not enough to be tolerating? are we supposed to in endless and life-consuming pursuit of something? for whom and what, for why?

i should may be take up the blank offer of 'talk' near blue monday. but i highly doubt that

1. im actually abnormal,
2. it will provide (a kind of) solution,
3. what i perceive as reality is different than the average (ex. depression vs non-depression).
*though, this may be a greatly skewed view, as theoretically, i have a chronic condition.

in the past, when things get mucky, i sometimes resorted to cutting, because at such point when nothing makes sense, cutting made just as much sense and it did snap back my physical self into an immediate focus.

the downside of it is that the ritual does lose its effect and that every 'next' time becomes more physically damaging in order for it to 'work,' and that is unsustainable.  like all addictive process.  so that's a no-option. it took such a long time to get to this point and it is mesmerizing and stupefying at the same time...

perhaps it's the sinus cold. from what i read, the entire city of toronto is snooty and wheezy, so may be it's only fitting that under the big swingchange to start a new year, that one feels lost.

or like most of my own experiences, this 'episode' may just leave, one day, like that. it does happen as well.

my benediction to all creatures big and small, conscious and barely, capable and beyond capable, to stay safe and sane enough. winter can be tough, and our voices in the head can be so cunning, without reason.  long nights ahead.


  1. I think when people make those Facebook posts and such about being there if you want to talk, they have the best of intentions. But as someone who also suffers from chronic depression, I honestly can't see revealing some of the thoughts in my head with a majority of those who post such things. It's like, when I unload all the scariness that's eating me up inside, what are you going to do? Fix me? I don't think so. And unless someone has a similar affliction, or is a professional, they really aren't equipped to deal with someone on an emotional downslide. I feel like saying, "thanks for the support, but don't fool yourself."

  2. ... im in parallel.
    it's a generous gesture that they want to share the burden, but the nature of such burden makes it impossible to share.
    it's bit more like... not sharing, but making voluntary sacrifices that should be not be 'repaid' for, which is DIFFERENT (ex. going out to dinner and paying a bit more vs taking someone out and paying for their dinner while you arent having any, and wont be paid back for)-

    valiant effort and noble idea. execution is hard.