giving thanks with strength and making my bed

california desert super bloom, from WIRED mag*

tis the canadian thanksgiving weekend.
how did we get here already?
79 days till christmas, if you are counting
*slightly uncomfortable.

it's been a questionable, brutal, demoralising and difficult summer to autumn transition for the world.

las vegas shooting. the biblical hurricanes. persecution of rohingyas in myanmar/bangladesh border.  yemen cholera and starvation. north korea military conflict. crackdown by spanish government on catala independence vote.  continued military assault in syria. complacency around my own community. biases that are so deep that one cannot see it themselves.

it is easy to feel dejected. defeated.

even here in toronto. the comfortable and wealthy six. yyz. home.

(i understand i live quite a sheltered life here in toronto, as i tend to work in the section of the city that is very wealthy and stable- university education is not cheap, and therefore this community has so much unseen wealth that even if individuals may feel the economic pressure, i am going to state that as general, we are the rich, privileged population.)

*the other spectrum is the work that i do with the legal aids- that gives me a good perspective
whenever i am wrapped in illusions about 'my' world...

the tragedies- objective (daylight homicide, robberies, shootings, etc.; the ones you access on news channel), and subjective (individual difficulties that is monumental to sufferers- illness, rejection, failure, etc; the ones you hear from your network of people), they seep through the cracks.  they make my feet soggy. that dampness that one cannot escape, because one is standing in the middle of it.

i make myself read the articles and the opinions. i force myself to pay attention. though, sometimes, i run away and look at memes, read a book, waste energy on treadmill that does not go anywhere. 

blank.

because it's already so full.

sometimes it seems all so futile.

but then there are the little things.
here's a video of a speech i appreciated recently, by admiral william mcraven.
https://youtu.be/pxBQLFLei70
*i still dont understand how the us military training at top levels can be so rigorous and disciplined, yet they must be governed by the congress, which is... well, im not going there today.

i come back to this speech regularly.
probably because i can at least make my bed. everyday.

self-control.

because- well, what else can you control? what else can you do, beside try to become disciplined?

i believe that the world at large, has its own discourse and direction. and that very few individuals can actually change such courses.  the individual empowerment, remains mostly insignificant until the momentum reaches a critical mass.

but that's what we have. and that's a great way to look at life-

individual empowerment-
the world may break you. but no one can actually take it away from you. you may relinquish it. you may surrender your will to your context, and give up for a bit. but as long as you have tomorrow, it's not finished. and there is the possibiliy of tabula rasa. every seed holds blades of grass in its heart.

it is okay to be dormant. it is okay hide for a bit. after all, no human can turn into a non-human. it's just different degrees we trod on. it's okay not to be great. it's okay not to be loved and cherished by everyone. IT DOES NOT FEEL GREAT but IT IS FINE.

so i make my bed.
so i read my news.
so i bang my head on the wall.
so i look around my peeps and see what i could do.
not because i am so capable, but because that's the only thing we can do. that i make my bed and may be i can be useful if someone else also tries to make their bed. that, we can do. everyday.

it is fine to not feel like giving thanks.
but if there's tomorrow,
there's always a chance, once one is empowered, one can see the world around,
that a true thankfulness will come through the heart,
like a fresh new spring, breaking ground.
it seems bleak at times, but it does happen.

even in the desert, rain comes.
and life flourishes.

desert is not dead. it may be dormant, but it surely lives.
and it is okay, to not be so great. to feel that people are hard on you. that everyone's out to get you OR does not give a rat's ass. whether it is not true or not, the sure thing is that rain does come to a desert.

it will. again.

here's a great article to add to the end.
self-control. i hang onto you with white knuckles, because well, the news makes it hard to smile and enjoy the day sometimes!

here's to making a bed and stuff, eh.

https://qz.com/1019928/i-went-from-sedentary-academic-to-100-mile-marathon-runner-thanks-to-the-science-of-self-control/

*about the picture, i found it online on wired article, but cannot figure out how to actually find a way to credit the photographer. if you know, please send me a message. it is so beautiful,
https://www.wired.com/2017/03/super-bloom-2017-california/