belly buttons. mothers. children.


my 6 years old student asked me two weeks ago:

kid: do you have a belly button?
me: everything that has a 'mother' does, so yes. well, marsupials and platypuses dont.
kid: can i see it?
me: no.
kid: then how would i know that youve got one?
me: ask my mom. she gave birth to me.
kid: but i asked nicely!
me: and i said no, nicely!

yesterday, with an excuse of 'mother's day,' the four of us (big bro busy, small bro dead), went to have a lunch. two moms and a dad, and a kid.  she wanted a chunk of cash, so she got that. we all got more than enough food for lunch. yay.

then on way to drop me off at the subway:

mom: am i an organ donor?
me: are you?
mom: you marked on my renewal form that i am,
me: then you are.
mom: is it marked on the card?
me: i dont think so?
*both look at driver's license, but has no clue
me: i think they will look your record up directly.
mom: so if im a donor, what do they take?
me: i dont know, but i doubt they take 'all'
mom: they can take all, i think. after you guys, we dont have any grandchildren, so we dont need to be bured on ground.
dad: yeah, no one'll visit anyway so, look into it.
me: okay.

that hit me like a small pile of bricks. of course, you keep it all in your head. cuz it'll be embarrassing for them to see it.

it is true, they are very unlikely to see any grandchildren- i dont plan to have any, and my brother doesnt seem so either.

i understand their wish to not be 'neglected' once me+bro's also gone.

it did make me think whether they really wanted to have grandchildren, and it just didnt work out to be so.

and if so, i am very sorry that it did not happen.
*regardless of what my brother does

my mom always has doubts and concerns about my decisions. however, as she 'decided' to let me go and do my stuff fairly early on, she just sighs. and nudges. i acknowledge and do whatever i want. cuz ultimately, happiness is about being able to accept the 'unwanted stuff' as well-

and because she 'yields,' i feel sorry often.

all she wanted was a daughter that was easier to understand. however, she does let me be, even with reservations and oppositions- especially with my personal relationships, etc.

it's not easy for either but i guess that's what it means to grow up.


happy mother's day, mom.

i thank you occasionally (in person)
while fully knowing that my life decisions continue to frustrate you.
thanks for tolerating and letting me to be me.
and love me for being what i am,
despite of our differences.






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