goodbye day

i went to see her early today and one of the things i asked was:
when i grow up, what kind of person would you like me to be?
she said: of course, you are already good, but you could work hard to become super-famous pianist and be gentle-hearted.
i said: you cant really be gentle-hearted and powerful at the same time (chuckle)
she said: really? i see...
i said: pick one!
she said: then.... be the very best gentle-hearted person you can be.

i was going to return tomorrow morning early at 8am, so i can get some work done later in the day.


at 6pm, i put on mahler 9th and felt restless.
so i decided to take a bath.
while the water ran, i debated whether i should go back to see her then. out of a blue. a dense nudge in the heart.
i did not. but i did search for 'how to give bath to seniors.' thought it would be nice to give her a bath, if possible- i bet she hasnt had one in awhile, and she used to love it.


then around 8, mom called.
the universe as i known it, shattered itself in a short sentence.

'cecilia, granny's gone.'

i took the subway and met momdad and got to her home.
i helped to pack her into a bag, to her last stop, to funeral home.
they think may be, around 6-630 or so, she just left. 
and left us a small feather.


the roses from this morning, among with other flowers, were still all so bright and happy. ive been trimming them every day, changing water, feed it some plant food.  and while i was in bath, she left. quietly. at her home, everyone they thought she was asleep (shes been going in and out of sleep recently).


she also told me this morning: i think i will go soon.
i said: yes. i think you will. till then, at least know that you are loved. i love you the most.
she said: and i love you. the most.


and now, it's already history.


and i just need to be that very best gentle-hearted person.
she's given me 7 days, to practice being gentle-hearted.
a full week.
for those 7 days, every time i went to see her, she was alert and clear minded.
then to nothing.


you held me when i came.
i held you when you left.
i love you.
till end of my time.


granny was never far from me. there she is, just a peek above my small head.


*
there's no more practice days available.
this is not a drill.

Comments

  1. Leslie MagowanOctober 30, 2020 at 3:14 AM

    I’m so sorry, Cecilia. Even though you knew it was coming that doesn’t soften the blow. You are in many people’s hearts❤️

    ReplyDelete
  2. JulesOctober 30, 2020 at 7:32 AM

    you'll always love her. she left, loving you, too. bless her.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Suzanne CroneOctober 30, 2020 at 9:14 AM

    What a remarkable bond you have with your granny. You still have it. Thanks for your beautiful writing. Don't stop.

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownOctober 30, 2020 at 10:35 AM

    So sorry Cecilia. Thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mary and DougOctober 31, 2020 at 11:18 AM

    Cecilia we are sorry to hear of your Granny's passing. Your thoughts and reflections have touched our hearts. You can certainly tell that you and Granny were very close....her name always came up when you visited here....how she taught you to cook and to make wonderful tasting meals out of just what's in the kitchen! We both remember "fish soup" you made for us. We are holding you and your family and Granny in our hearts. Love to all from the heart.

    ReplyDelete

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