goodbye practice day 5: strange noises rhythms and pulses that holds us together

why does the very basic idea of living, then dying bring so much noise?
and how is that certain huge noise can bring so much calmness, in contrast?

this week, i had my first parking ticket, and first 'ding' on a car. in the middle of backing up the car to head out, i was thinking about the fact that ive been asked to not to stay long, or come by often, if i could help it- rising covid numbers mean stricter lockdown for granny's home.

im half tempted to bring her here where i live, but that really is a stupid idea, my brain says. so that's a no. they are able to check on her at least once an hour, and i- well, i cannot do that. 
noisy.

or is it that i wont do that? 

what am i now? meatloaf?

so noisy.

i also had my very first MRI. it's fancy living in downtown, walking to your 6am MRI appt.

during about 50 min of shoulders MRI, i totally tripped out in midst of huge noise chain.

in that white tube, with magnetic resonance so loud and powerful (it did feel super weird- apparently some are able to sense the changes in the body as it interacts with the force field), the machine had its own resonance and rhythm.

like the space soundtracks one hears from documentaries.

it was quite hypnotizing.
i didnt believe the technician when she said i was done. that it's been 50 mins.

the hum of an MRI machine
*try it! it's bit... amazing!

i often wondered if i would ever be smart enough to be an astrophysicist.  the universe, though intimidating, it is an intimate subject, as everyone gets to share one, and create one. the time and space concept is beautiful, and i do love the idea of the universe doing its own thing- totally a different scale, so different that we cannot really relate to it.

but here we are, living in it.

after visiting granny for a half hour- i combed her hair, cold-toweled her face, put some rose waters on her face, and gave her a few roses to keep. 

a scent to remember what 'living' is like, 

even in a lockdown.

since i came back home, ive been listening to the MRI sounds. 
i feel comforted. i would love to experience it again. loud, full bang, all around me.
may be the resonance so big from the universe to hear, still echoes in the mind. in the subconscious. bit like the sound from the womb you hear as a fetus.  i wouldve heard my granny's voice, along with others. and being the second child in close-packed threesome, i was often granny's child. i knew her steps and habits. we shared bed till i was ready to move out. from her slumbering sound, i knew whether she was well, or not. happy or not. tired or not. she wouldve known mine, even though i would have zero clue.

i anticipate not being able to hear her any longer.

may be i should record her sometime.

may be not.

may be it is better, to keep her sound in my heart. cuz, if it's not 'recorded' mechanically, it wont stay 'out of time,' it will expand and change, with my flow of time. after she is gone.

and perhaps, just like the strange noise from the MRI machine, i might just like it, just a little mythical and mysterious. yet, comforting.

old granny. MRI.  things do pulse through out our lives.

*and somehow, even though she's human, she kinda blends in with flowers today. 

is it the passivity? 

is it the timed demise that is coming? 

whatever it is, the scene was beautiful to me.