termination and continuation

they say: 21/90.
takes 21 days to freshly form a habit, and additional 90 days to make it a life change.

15124.

days with granny.

last night, i flash thought: should call her. havent called her in awhile.
then flash reaction: that is no longer necessary.

8.

days since she's left.

most of the time, it takes much time to unlearn a 'thing,' whatever it is.  and sometimes, it is quite impossible.  i still think of texting gabe at times. i guess i will still think of calling granny for awhile.


expectations help us build a frame in our minds.
and we hold onto those expectations, because what we know is just what we think we know, especially in the matters of life.  it's nice to have contrary stuff, just to peg things into place, as our minds wander, make stuff up, and justifies everything without even a slight consultation with consciousness.

then-
we adjust.
we all do.
sometimes we resist. 
sometimes we just dont know.

i will find out, how this is all going to turn out. having the luxury of memory gives me certain freedom. and with such freedom, i look into another day and i am happy that feelings, especially new ones, will stick, somewhere in my mind. and it will become another part of me. tree barks.



i am not sad.
i am simply learning anew.
i am glad that it is possible to continue from a point of termination.

thanks to everyone's kind words in the last few wks. it's been lovely to think of this world as web of thoughts, connecting still, despite of distance of time and space.  and when one connection breaks, the other connections, gossamer thin, can still hold us up. we dont float. we hold on. 

and i appreciate it.

good day for everyone,
as the sun is high, and the day is filling up with small noise.
thank you.
for the past days. 
for today.
and for upcoming days,

where thoughts may hold us together,
close and afar, whatever that standard may be.



Comments

  1. VWrightNovember 8, 2020 at 7:57 PM

    Dear Cecilia - As I read your deeply personal and very poetic words, I think about the "Sacred Veil" that is described so beautifully in the words and music of Eric Whitacre's and Charles Silverstri's new (2020 release) composition remembering Silvestri's wife. As Silvestri states "The veil is thin. They stand so close, just there, just on the other side of eternity". Your thoughts and feelings have really reached across that veil. Here's to cherished memories of your much loved grandmother , and going to forward with strengthened purpose remembering her words and love, Virginia Wright (UCC alto)

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