5.4.09

lets rotate that wave just 90'.. let it dance and be mused.

life as i know it is a sine (or if you prefer, cosine) wave of some sort. perhaps closer to a rollercoaster, not quite rigidly symmetrical. just enough to see that it always is posed with a mutual antithesis. up then a down, for an instance.
well, never really down, just downward i suppose, as it will eventually hit the cusp and start again, upward. wait. may be it's not even down, if i tilt the axis, just about 90', it'll be just a side-to-side. whammy. not up or down. looks as if it's dancing. with good sense of beats, even! that sounds much better, free from the built-in context of: up = good, down = bad.

it should be more than sufficient to realize that such simple directions 'up' and 'down' requires the another to become significant. if there is no axis or a dividing marker, we can take the wave, flatten the hell out of it, and voila, it's just a line. and a straight line, you can always rotate it enough to make it into a horizontal axis, another image with strong contextualized extrinsic meanings such as flat, boring, dead, standard, constant (i mean, you dont want moving things to be your axis do you? that's what vectors are for!)

i didnt plan to get all math-related, so let's get away from that. i scarecily remember anything related to calculus anymore. and i am not wanting to prove that any further! haha. i studied, once. i tested, i passed. let some dead things be dead.

contrasting to the fast, compacted banff life for last three months, im literally in a stasis. back in the old town and the thing about being away from so long (5 years of grad school) is that sometimes, you are given complete anonymity and freedom. so naturally things get quiet. quiet enough that you could hear the clocks ticking. tick tock tick tock tack took , repeat. for some reason i was supposed to appreciate this 'break period.' alright, i guess i could do that. let's appreciate.

true, last couple days, i had more than enough time to do whatever i wanted, and whatever i didnt even think that i wanted, and everything in between. walk. sleep. do nothing. ponder. amuse. then you see that slightly uncomfortable self, right there. ooh you. i forgot about you (or i hoped). i was busy, you know, keeping up, projects, work, whatever excuse i can think of- and you didnt go away! damn.

she's looking back at me, slightly fidgetty, a bit embarassed- like a child in front of their favorite idolized adult, twisting fingers, looking not straight into my eyes, but casting side glances. as if she's glad that we got some time together finally, but as if she wants to apologize that she cannot be a better company. shy.

if i start to look at this whole life thing as up/down, it gets a little too emotional sometimes, unnecessarily so. so perhaps the best thing is to tilt that image, just 90'. look, things are no longer up/down, it's just partying, dancing, in fact. so what there is no great height and vicious cycle of drama? monkey, you be up and away into another chapter of adventures and misadventures in less than a month. why not... take that awkward child for a walk?

she's only awkward because she havent seen you for so long. monkey was too busy with external stimulus. not that there's anything wrong with it. but while the course of things are put in gentle sideway peaks (see, it wont even move forward of backward, just extending itself taller and taller. even better.), just for little while, take a stroll. in a circle.

i dont have to embrace the stasis. there is no stasis. even when the line is flat- like a heart monitor screen of a dead person, it still moves forward. it still progresses. in a sense, there is no true stasis, unless you wanna go completely bollistic and be a very commited relative extentialist. which, i dont think i could be. who knows, may be all that monitor is a jolt of electricity; then BANG! the heart may start again, in all sorts of waves, changing, reflecting how one really are- the rhythm of life in slight variation, every seconds and inbetween those seconds.

so perhaps rather than getting into a neverending tunnel of : why things are static, why do i feel so crap, etc etc., i think i should take that child, now making a pile of dust by her feet, for a short stroll. we'll go around and see what's in this amusement park, before we board that next rollercoaster.

it'll be fast and fun, soon enough.

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