30.6.09


first real day in banff today; getting settled, still collecting scores, putting up bits of monkey life around my home for next.. well, 19 days. how much things to do? may be a tad bit much. enjoyment factor: could be very high. grave yards: everywhere.
sounds like a busy 29 days to me! hahaha.
today's list included: schelomo (bloch), beethoven 4th sonata and brahms 2nd sonata.
evaluation: lose the hat (oops sorry; gotta come up with way to keep hair out of face), dont cross your legs and look unprofessional (more to come about this), barber sonata outta my hands (somewhat bitterly glad).

monkey must have needed that sleep last night. from 11pm or so, i just neglected the world and slept in until 925. only reason i got up was.. there was a meeting at 930. gaa. which did not start until... 10 (grrr). then more meetings. then lunch.

vistas food is usually aright. except today.
not very amusing, but... vicious.

for some bizarre reason, it's really being unpleasant to me and my innards been dancing overtime, the proper old school twists. ugh. hence curling up like a snail. in korean expressions, we would say 'che-ha-da' or 'che-jung'.

che = being stuck to, something being immobile
jung= weight
--------------
things stuck together unpleasantly

che- ha-da: 'ha-da' would imply simply 'being' or 'have done,' meaning monkey's been stuck with things unpleasantly, this immobile glob of ingest foods behaving badly.

and the worst of worsts hit me during brahms 2nd cello sonata in middle of masterclass. im not to excuse self, but honestly, all i could think was 'life would be better after hurling,' ewwwww. and that had to be the time lydia dropped by (ma boss lady), which resulted in... extra offer to take barber sonata off my hands, which i graciously accepted. hence, bittersweet.

means that i can concentrate a little more on other big things but it also somehow makes me feel less competent. but then theres an important point to think about: is it necessary for me to put a deathgrip on a project, to make it mine, so that I could do it, so that it's MY experience? when i could let someone else take it over (which is exactly what she have designed so anyways, taking no immediate project), so that it may be better prepared and put-together for the cellist, and that I dont have to be possessed by my own need to 'prove' self?

nah. it's not necessary.

i have came here with a certain capacity. sure, it'll be nice to grow larger than the present capacity as a pianist, a person, whatevers. but i surely have to be careful that i am not doing this so that I feel better about self. what matters is i take my things seriously and let everyone else take their things seriously, if that means doing less pieces, let it be. she's not offering to take the barber because i am incapable, but that would make the entire situation flow a little better (or i so hope? haha. still this self-centered thoughts). it's not ever about the ego. unless you make it to be.

how simple and how hard.

well, monkey's gonna let barber float away and plug herself back to sleep so that tomorrow morning it'll be all alright again. stupid innards. the day vistas turn vicious (thats the name of the cafeteria), i am once again given an opportunity to learn: it's not about you. but about letting things be at their best potential, even it that means your ego may have to yield. hmm. much deeper lesson than.. indigestion.

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