4.8.09

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it isnt about the way one can hold another's hand while walking down the street. though it is common, i believe it is somewhat more difficult to define than a simple statement of who is attracted to whom. we are not just simple particles in atomic chambers with numbers of charges, where one could calculate, even as a highschool student, as who would gain affinity of whom and why.
beyond a simple question of affinity, there is a need, both biological and psychological need for one human being to relate to another, whatever the context may be. it's just a little more complicated than a pair of an electron and a positron.

a little different than another 'hullo' one just mutters to another, out of convention, often presented without realization. more like a carefully selected, however deceptively similar 'hullo' to another being, after minutes, hours of not so unpleasant agonizing processes. going through list of words in different languages and intonations. carefully chosen, written out, typed in many different fonts and colours. presented in million different mediums from the old papyrus to cyber-forms.

though similar to newtonian physics, it may look simple and elegant, there are things that goes way beyond the easily perceived formal system of organization and existence. and it's something beyond the existentialism. often the context of this particular thought concerns not only a person's actual/perceived reality, but also of other(s). we often use contractions to express thoughts in shorthands; shorthands however, always remain shorthands. it's a device, a sign that could only be understood by another being only if its pre-context and post-context are mapped together. the most common expressions of such thoughts are usually seen in words such as 'with' 'accompany' 'coexist' 'related' as well as symbols: +, (,) and diagrams of all sorts. of hearts, linked hands, intertwined ellipses, etc.

countless human beings have experienced this particular emotion at some point of their lives; and some choose to forget and some carves myth out of it.
great concepts were born out of this and many concepts circles around this. it wouldnt be an overstatement to say that most of the human cultural product, except the very few pure-realist works, have benefited from this particular emotion. intangible, incomprehensible, however most recognizable and preciously coveted.
in one's course of life, it has been muttered with all kinds of emotions- abstraction, adoration, jealousy, frustration, anger, hopefulness, desperation, you name it, it's been associated and tempered with.

a concept that does not belong to category of 'necessity' but of 'desires,' desires that goes beyond the daily need of food, shelter, reproduction and safety. violence has came from it and it also have smothered many cases of violence from its birth. going from and going to. a beginning and a perceived end of an emotional, often even physical journey.
a nebulous word. not a word, too big to be defined by couple syllables and letters. however, often communicated through such means just because it is a concept that only truly exist once expressed to another person, an audience.
great birth of tragedy and comedy have came from the same being. and more to come, surely. universal, personal, oxymoron state of being.
one of the most difficult quality to define universally however once perceived, there is no mistake about its identity.

something that is not necessary for a biological welfare of a person's being, however, strong enough to alter one's physical being- either negatively or positively. a thought that could consume someone's life time, however, just as easily tossed aside as the young poet has casted aside a single red rose that has been created by a death of a beautiful creature, a song bird.
many days and nights burned bright because of this single formless thought and many days and nights have been wasted. but has it been a true waste? no one knows. perhaps it's like the natural wild fires, where aftermath brings fresh saplings freed from the sticky and enveloping resins, now melt away from the burning heat, further nourished by the ashes of previous lifebeings, now returning to the step one, feeding, of the greater cycle. it gives birth, it nourishes and just as easily, it may kill as well. merciful or wrathful? depending on each single cases.

like a true addiction, or even an epidemic, no one person escapes, nor wishes to escape from it. we all need to receive it and seeks every chance to share it. though given away without price, it cannot be taken so lightly nor received correctly.

however blindly, i have no single choice but a multiple choices regarding this particular matter, but i know that there is no escape nor denial. the choices may appear different in each cases, but in simplified world it always summarizes the same thing. shocking and astonishing, however, expected, with the calmness of a child in mother's womb.

i deeply love and am being loved.
by many different people in even more numerous contexts.
however, there is a clear and easy distinction when i think of, live with, breath of, regardless of distances of time differences, this particular person.
and without the need to say or state, both parties happily, if calmly understood the need and joy of sharing such intimacy. and such intimacy may be boisterous, exciting, quiet or even unspoken. but always communicated.
and i am happy because i posses what matters in this world.

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