21.10.09

accidental loner


it is a bizarre feeling to be surrounded by so many people and feel completely alone. perhaps a better expression would be being an individual. in the banff spaceship, there are many characters and it is very enjoyable to interact with such variety on daily basis. at the same time, often, i cannot help feeling a bit like a one drop of oil on surface of water. i dont mix. damn.

the survival of the human being was dependable on a few but very important principles: food, shelter, procreation. just like single cell bacterias, though they may go through asexual reproduction process. and in order to accommodate that, we developed as a herd animal of a sort. humans have a rather long pregnancy and infancy, which make it necessary to have a group support to protect its young. so still to the days of 21st century, there are a few things that are deeply engraved in oneself, such as the need to belong to a society, have companionship, be understood/to understand, etc. as much as one screams for the independence of an individual and the daring hope to be different- that's why it seems so daring, to move away from the group. as the reaction to the group behavior, of course all of us tries to have that unique individualization. starting from simple things such as body modification, self-beautification to extremely complicated drink orders at starbucks or something.

in such environment as banff centre, one is then subjected to rather difficult pull between the two polls,i feel. one wishes to keep the self intact and grow further by stimulation from the external world, however, keeping a safe distance (here, it's almost comical that the concept safety just popped through my own consciousness. safe from what?) to not to lose the self. however, by keeping all to oneself, then one is negating the large benefit of being in such an environment. there are many possibilities for self-extension, mingling, collaboration and exploration, if one is up for it and is grounded for it.

i think it's almost funny that often i am perceived as a rather confident, solitude animal. my favorite pianist/ideologue glenn gould once said: for the x amount of time you spend in other's company, you must spend x amount of time in solitude. and though i do not like the idea (often i do have this incredible desire to go along with everyone and be part of a large mass, or a mess, whichever it ends up being), i know for myself, i do need that x amo of solitude. and so i shut the world off and be by self. like my morning walks. i think it is a nice thing to be able to share such precious thing as morning silence on the mountain. but whenever i think about the possibility of having to share that silence for other things as vocalization, verbalization, communication, i end up sneaking out of my residence like a small church mice. quiet as possible. not letting the door slam.

and then there are times (too many instances of it unfortunately) that i wish my company was valued, that it is sought after. that i want to be in the middle of the busy bodies, laughing and generating momentum, going along with everything that's around me. and i just dont seem to be able to. sigh. i was never one of the popular kids and i wonder if that's going to be one of those things in my life that i will never get over: to be liked, to be popular. even when i know that im nothing special- which means, why should i be sought after? silly monkey. if you are valuable, you will be sought after.

often i feel that if i shut up and turn my brain off and go along with whatevers around, life would be better. i will certainly argue less, i will be easier to get along wit, and seriously, who really cares about what i have to say anyways? there are occasions where my opinions become subject of light amusement and it is quite enjoyable. but that's where i am at the moment, im not anything spectacular. not amazing. just plain amusing, at times. and i think that's perfectly okay, thinking how much of the population are followers. like other herd social animals, we will follow a few leaders. and a leader is a not a position of proclamation, but of support. one does not claim a leadership, but does become a leader. it is not that i wish to be a leader, i just wish i was more social. that i can contain myself in a very nicely packaged self, not offending others or being too different, or being overly opinionated or sensitive. just to be average.

or perhaps the real problem is that i always want to be accepted, no matter what or how i actually am. just to be liked for the sake of being liked, even when i really have not contributed anything, even when i know that no one owes me a companionship or even an understanding.

i am just wanting some friends.
always wanting more from the others.
i wish i was independent as i seem.
i should try to think less.

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