31.10.09

maddening call


early mountain walk today. instead of the early snow, it was a proper autumnal rain. perhaps fall rain. falling down. everything. leaves. raindrops. time. at 645am, with clouds, it is rather dark and quiet. friday concert evening last night, so there have been much joyous activities at the living room of farrally, with the pulsing breathing fire at the fireplace, the living beat of the the community (as far as i am concerned, that is where it's at, not at m/s building or huts). it wouldve been quite fun to join them and ride the wknd excitement train. there are millions of concerts (or it seems) so i guess i wouldve been forgiven quite easily for missing the concert (i missed both concert and festivity). but sometimes there are times that just cannot be any different. my reason: as i was soggy from another dimension. so another time of being an outsider. however, this time, out of necessity.

i had a conversation from a long-time acquaintance. we used to be friends but nothing really so cement and close i didnt think? in fact i cant really remember when was the last time exactly that we were in contact. something like late 90s or very early 00s i suppose. however, ive kept one email addie from my green days and so that's how we got reconnected, briefly so.

and truly briefly so.

i had no idea that i would be conversing with him last night. hell i have not thought of him for ages, surely we spent some time in mutual company, talked about couple things, but kinda sorta kept one another a bit at a distance as we have first met in a very peculiar place, not a such a nice situation really (during the years of self-loathing and self-hate). i remember that time period being as one of the most vulnerable points of my life.

things are well and fine now, even though most of the time, i have a hard time saying that i am happy, i have found enough things out of my own self to be happy about and that makes my time worthwhile i think. book bomber put it rather simply in the past spring: live for others. a lofty goal for a such self-absorbed individual as myself, but i do think perhaps that's the key to my own life. let me forget about the pronoun 'i' and look into 'we,' and once i look into 'we,' despite of my own shortcoming (by boxes), there are often enough beauty in 'us' that someone like i, may be able to dream and achieve vicariously.

anyways. ya so, to receive a call from him was a complete utter surprise.
very civil introduction. sprinkle of social laughter. polite exchange of greetings and such. then came. bam. a terminal good bye. i do not see a possibility to see him in the little time he's got left, and i dont think it would add anything to anyone anyhow. in fact i felt curiosity - shock - despair (very short) - anger - and now at grief.

i have no clue for myself, to figure out why i was called. it is too much to carry for a casual conversation, an acquaintance friend. an once- friend. i have moved on and so has he, from that mess of black spidery web tangles of despair, angst, anxiety and hopelessness. and somewhat like jail buddies, we moved on, on tangent, and i was not missing his presence in that particular context. and then here it was. a news. probably the last piece of news. good for you to have the urge to wrap up properly. what about me buddy? do i look like emotions dump site?

he simply said that he called because he wanted to let me know and the longer he thought about, the more inclined he became. so henceforth, a call.

i have no clue what im supposed to do with the conversation. i am quite stirred. uncomfortable. sadden. angry. confused. he's got what he wanted (or so i hope), and now im supposed to find some sort of place to put this info. so i will. faster the better.

it is all saints after all. hallowed evening. of spirits, memories, grieving, manic fun and rampant commercial celebration. i dont know whether i should be thankful for the deliverance of such news, if timely. happy halloween everyone. wish monkey some good luck in finding some sort of comprehension.

oh and btw, whoevers been drinking my vodka from farrally fridge:
thanks a lot buddy. you were too eager you didnt even offer me an once from my own bottle. how civilized. i suppose that's what i get for trusting. you turned me into a savage as well, by robbing my chances to offer you a drink.
sincerely, monkey with less faith in the world, thanks to you.

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