it is difficult thing at times to go against one's grain, regardless how nice or gritty it may be- depending on the person, of course. how weird it is that we go through months, years worth of efforts to become something that is socially accepted and encouraged, however against the grain it may be. i am not so sure about the happiness of the average of the general public, however, i do think that the mean definitively exist and that it does crush on souls at times. inconvenient and often painful, however, one tries to see it as much as one could as the necessary evil, some sort of human trial thing: come on, you can! (insert music: eye of the tiger or something grande)
with no defined schedule and the kind of work i do (weirdly, it's the kind of work that if you want to be the average, it isnt too difficult, but if you want to excel, holy cow, you better the patient because.. well, i hear that you never get there. i donno. i hope they are wrong), i am left with much room in my brain to play around with. the intangible toys of the mind. ooh the good old self and the external world. and trying to undo one's habits or notions, it takes time. so along with much encouragement from several people, including mr. bearcub (i really wonder sometimes why is he so keen on the idea of working with monkey as it really must be more work for him than for me. perhaps it has some sort of value that i just dont see yet. i just hope that all these collective efforts of people around me regarding me, whatever it may be, isnt a complete waste of time), monkey's been trying to change couple things. and she may be able to.
and perhaps one day i will understand the way that my own grains fit onto the new concepts running around my head like mad chickens. the ideas, newer they are, become some sort of living entity. a good idea is never still is it- rather, like a proper catalyst, it goes around and causes all kinds of mayhem. proper mayhem, like bonfires, sanity sacrifices and all that. but at the moment, carefully lifting the layers of self-applied coatings of habits, i cant help but being touchy grey. why is that? because, well, i think i am kind of grey.
often i try to be fun. social. well-liked. some manic stunts and daftness abound. i enjoy those moments when i totally lose my sanity temporarily (like the recent incident where i ended up carving two apples in the dining hall, completely unprovoked. it was a bit hilarious. perhaps i should post the pictures in sequence, har har). it feels... uneasily free doesnt it. it is so easy to say that 'hey, shit happens and in between, we all die at certain points.' supposedly it's a good one-fits-all philosophy. and it is true. yes. then why dont i just try to be a one-man silly show? be manic. toss the care in the winds.
but it's a funny feeling. in front of strangers, i have no problem being an amusement sometimes. i dont really care about the impressions and such, as i dont really know them. and as they are just passer-bys in my life, who cares really? they will laugh, point fingers may be, then move away and forget about the whole thing in two seconds. gone. it's a passing interest, a small laughter. insignificant in the overall scheme of things. but when in presence of the people that i may care for, it is always a completely different story. it's such a dichotomy that i wished to sell off at every garage sale. once you start to care, you cant be irresponsible. your actions, words, thought are going to be accounted for, mind you, if one is a friend, not a foe, he/she will always find some sort of context to keep your presence in the warmest manner possible. why? well, i think that's just what happens naturally. if you are a friend. but because you care, you see, it becomes difficult at times. you cant just throws bits and pieces of junk. well, yes you can, as i do very often, but there's something to be said about offering/sharing something of a value with another person of a high esteem. a friend.
so though i would like to be as much as free as i would be and etc etc etc., i cant help but to watch and start to draw a line of safety. i shall not cross. because i dont want to offend/ harm/ misunderstand/ insert-any-verb-really. to acknowledge that i have drawn that line at a given situation is a hard thing. to skip over that is also quite hard. but without the crossover, one cannot be honest.
it is all about being honest again isnt it. being in acknowledgement of self-grain. and taking a responsibility or perhaps a sense of identity to be a whole person, not just a segment that you want present to another, but with all bits- that's a hard thing. because i am kind of grey. inbetween, never really knowing where i am, and easily tarnished into another colour. but i do know that grey can be quite beautiful. like the mountains here with the snow blowing around. all shades and depth.
today may have been a failure in regards to being honest and open. but may be i should keep that in mind. it's just today. there's always the next morrow. and it's all about living the today as is, because there'll always be another day. take the chance. be honest and let it go. let go of the deathgrip, monkey!