the uncertainty in life certainly opens many doors. or should i call it being indecisive and not committed? last year this time, i was back in toronto, just finishing up rows of church services and having a little bit of time between starbucks barista days to first day in banff (i think it was the fourth of january). and i did not know what kind of place banff was, never been! it being iconic centre of canadian classical music (among other things), i just never been there- as the summer program tuitions can be quite high and i rather preferred to go to where i wont have to folk up so much.
so it may seem hat i am money-conscious, financially paranoid. but it really is the opposite in a sense that the reason i was working at starbucks was to make some petty dollars, instead of taking a grown-man job like teaching posts and such. i was lucky enough to have enough resources to swing starbucks 40hrs/wk job and not have to starve. so it was one of those movie scenes, doctor barista who have been disillusioned about life of academia and endless discussion of frivolities such as semiotics and phenomenology and such. ooh well done, fashionable.
but then because i wasnt committed i went to banff. and 2009 changed pretty much everything. and now i am at the very end of it, looking into 2010 and in couple weeks i will know where i would be by the second half of the year: back to north america or return to europe? and that's additional question to the countless small changes that are just waiting to be found- like the way i interpret music, play, the aesthetic values (see, i did practice a bit! though i did waste a lot more time in comparison, ha)
there are so many new things and ideas, people and possibilities floating around my head at the moment. like the end of the burning cigarette, i cant really direct them or predict which way they are going to go. perfect brownian motions in monkey skull. brilliant! settle down you little buggers!
kinetic theory of gases guesses that there are about 26 billion trillion molecules to about a cubic centimeter of air. these molecules are somewhat like floating squash balls. they are elastic and moves at a very fast speed. and smaller they are, the faster they move. think small children at a mall. where do they come from really? and like children who were fed too much candy, the energy the molecule contains, the more volatile they are. so they run around among larger beings, let's classify them as particles (like smoke particles). so as cigarette burns and changes the temperature around itself, the small molecules get loose and start to run into everyone and make the movement visual to the human eye- and these larger particles do need some knocking around, as fat bastards, they need more energy to cover the same distances as the lightweights. so really, molecules arent to blame.
this is brownian motion. in 1829, a scottish bloke by name of robert brown observed the tiny dirt particles floating around small pool of water like 'drunk' and by 1905, the messy haired boy names albert e. have came up with the avogadro's number and theory of brownian motion. quite difficult to predict and calculate the circumstances and behavior of brownian motion, but often one does not need mad scientist or a babbling musician to realize that blue smoke on end of the cigarette is quite- drunk and unexpected. all over, but with almost recognizable pattern.
as i am waiting and starting to lazily prep for my audition (yawn), i cant help but to think what else is going to happen? would i get in? no? what impact would it have? what would i do and where would i be? if i am not in, what should i do back in north america? if am in, what kind of things are am i looking at? are my expectations realistic or am i jaded for hoping for some sort of objected future where all i can see is subjective real time present?
but i think the best i could do at the moment is what i have done all this time during the periods of uncertainty and great freedom: wait, work honestly and keep your eyes/ears open. it is sort of a lame approach if you are the kind of individual who is willing to be a hard-working protagonist: i will make it! i will take charge!! i am going to be proactive!!!
i havent really given that option much thought, but from what i have seen it's got rather low rate of success and my own personal recollection tells me that lounging around seems to work for me, at least. so i havent got much material wealth or any measurable honours from the typical society. but hey, im debt free, i got loads of friends who i love dearly, i am always taken care of- by the best people mind you, with richest sets of memories.
not so bad for a lazy bugger no?
all i know for certain is that i will die. life is a sexually transmitted disease someone said. ahaha true. i supposed the rest is mystery. who am i argue with the fact that the end is near? *how near, i dont really know for sure- it could be as early as tomorrow. so may be i should go with one of my favorite writer, m. gide (whose books l'immoraliste and la porte etroite i have enjoyed at occasions as a self-punishing but great literature) :
the most decisive actions of our life... are most often unconsidered actions.
amen m. gide. life itself already is quite a miracle anyways. so rather than looking at it like a some sort of tax spreadsheet, why not look it as inconceivable however beautiful personal universe? brownian motion- it has some additional applications beside entertaining the smokers during the cold winter days it seems. like filling up monkey head with a slight sense of anticipation and lots of curiosity. warmest wishes for all who are with the monkey venture. i have been so lucky. and for now- bed time! bonne nuit, good night, guten nacht.. zz...z.