before the last bit of this year runs away from me, i thought i would drag its feet to the table and sit it down to have a proper if short farewell. there are few bits that needs to be taken care of during the day and once i set out, i am afraid that i just wont be able to find the space in my head. it's not that im travelling a great deal or going to a loud show today. but end of the year, like the last bits of the bath water, always seems to go down the drain fast and furious. curious isnt it! with that... swoooop! noise. all that warm water and bubbles gone, until it's filled up again.
i have been too concerned about the flow of time and the things that i dont want to let go recently- being too self-conscious perhaps. year 2009 was the year of counting. with many cusp points. like a great balanced sine wave, many curves, here and there, weaving in and out through many different fabrics- myself, others, friends, family, strangers and people who i dont really know but came in contact with somehow. brownian motions of people in real time. bouncing around in the great ebbs and flow of life. yes, foucault- proper heterotopias. and of course, it's rather post-modernistic and existentialistic, i know.
but beside the long and big words, the main feelings have been rather simple: surprise, love, unease, fellowship, compassion, sympathy, empathy, resonance, loss, yearning, cautious, risky, affection, grace, thankfulness.
the situations and context of my life: large chunk of it in the mountains- the great canadian rockies and grey-blue-black-molten brown rocks with shards of ice and sun, the soft carpet of snow haze and almost iridescent greens of summer evergreens.
a bit back in toronto: the land where it never sleeps, on 40 gerrard st., perched high and riding the tides of high winds, looking down at the little streams of lives as people pass on foot, bike, cars, with backdrop of bright and never-ending stream of artificial lights.
a bit in unforeseen meandering to the old world, where i currently am: the first time i was here it was full of little bahhh lambs who could hardly walk, with moorland full of life. it still has vast open sky and rolling hills, but at the moment, the hills are speckled with white patches of snow, set against black coals ablaze- red, orange and golden amber.
the people, the building blocks of my life- many newly gained friends and partners, perhaps a few lost- what a shame, i bow to keep the human connections as priority but sometimes one slips through my head and i am sorry if i have not been in touch. but the chances are i still have much room and feelings for you, and may be even be thinking of you quite often. i will get my pen up again and will write. and i try not to forget individuals whom i have resonated with, admired and cared for. all these small interactions once again shaped me as who i am now. on the last day of 2009. another decade slipping through the clock. and after the midnight ring, there'll be another one somewhere, then another. until we run out. by then, it will be another day, as the clock hands will travel through, steadily and expectantly, with no care for the larger units of time.
i grew, i lost. i gained i laughed. i cried and i was even speechless at times. oh and the richness of music, sound, touch, taste, sight, colours, shape, momentum of great big and small things... the rattling movement of gigantic planes to the smallest muscle control on the quietest note on the piano. the slightest movement of first opening of eyes to a brand new day, the last conscious relief of exhaled breath as one falls asleep. the warmth of the skin against the coldness of the wintry air. the slight sweat on back of the neck on the soft ground of summer earth. scent of a living being.
how does one put such feelings and emotional collections into words? one cannot. but still tries to make a representations of it, as an effort to keep it alive. human brain, a proper junk room, i wish mine would look like a mix between a playroom, a work space and a library without end. oh and many windows and a big door.
thank you for entering into my life. if i have not noticed you yet, i am sorry, i will try to get to know you better and that's not just empty words. and if you are still here, feel free to grab a seat and join in. i think there's always some more hot water for the tea pot.
and for you, dear year 2009, the decade which may be known as big-zero, fare thee well. make sure you zipped your jacket- it's still wee bit cold. and if you see 2010 rolling in with gusto, give him a hug and send it this way yeah?
love and best wishes for you all.