price of not taking time seriously: grave

i live in the time where things can be repeated, spliced and put together, as if the time itself can be managed as a controllable unit. there are much values put into editing processes and re-configuration, as much money and time invested in as well. the idea of performance for instance, is quite a different thing from a recording project. there are the usual expectations for retakes, edits, crossfades, basically a la frankenstein process once you step into the studio. twick till it's just right. then do takes until youve covered it all. then we go back and try to sew together pieces of time and events. and miraculously, it works. flawless record of flawed reality, amazing.

well, sometimes, one does not get to enjoy this particular luxury of emancipation from the tyranny of time in a studio session. call it whatever- schedule conflicts, busy places, not enough resources, lack of preparation or perhaps even just lack of ability. i think i should be rather honest and acknowledge that in most of my cases, it's either lack of ability or preparation. if i were to treat each takes so seriously from the initial point, there would be less need and less expectations for re-takes and edits. but once gotten used to, it is very hard to get back to the reality that sometimes, once things have taken place, that is all. you dont get to do a retake. stop pouting. that's what happens when you count on time being an endless resource.

how foolish of me.

and once time is 'against' you (well time really isnt against anyone. it goes and does what it needs to do, it may not even acknowledge that i exist! i know im not so special. im one of the many lives passing through the present right now. does not really matter in objective scheme at ALL), all the sudden the human mind is capable of sabotaging self with all kinds of self-erected adversities. self-criticism, self-doubts, self, self self. so absorbed by the ego's tantrum, i forget to listen to the entire world, but only of self. then things usually turn worse and worse. and so the only retake i could do, i play even worse. and then comes the nice voice on the speaker: thanks guys, but that's the all the time we have.

*shame regrets anger apology loath guilt humiliation horror embarrassment

so there. good job monkey.
epic fail today.
i felt rather badly about butchering.
i just successfully wasted many peoples time, once again.
i dont deserve to take these times out of these people.
perhaps i really should go see about getting an office job.

1 comment:

  1. cecilia,
    so many are captivated by your ability, musicianship and humanity, people whose time you have enriched, never wasted. you're a wonderful player and a wonderful person; you're loved and appreciated for both.

    On one occasion time was the adversary. cruel. it must be so hard to be totally prepared for one thing amongst so many, and it's so dispiriting to be unhappy with the result.

    but please keep your spirits high, for it's set amongst the hours, the weeks and the months of magic you have woven. i'm sure there was magic in this too.