sightly or slightly uneasy?
so tomorrow is the day of audition for royal northern college of music. in about twelve hours, it will be all done and over with, and with absolutely no self-prediction, it will lead to the next bits of whatever-may-come.
about a year ago, i would have never thought that i would be doing a cold audition in uk, never mind being re-inspired by music. after a very exhilarating year which includes a bit of preparation for this particular occasion, i cant help but to feel a little damp about the whole situation. slightly apprehensive. disconcerting. inciting.
what does it mean to 'apprehend?'
well, it's two words put together: ad (-to) + prehendere (seize)
'to seize (the mind)' and meanwhile the french took it with a grain of hope (modern french 'apprehendre'(to learn, to be informed about), the english took it with a bit of bite (to seize- legally; to arrest) in 15th century.
'disconcert' is even better:
dis (the opposite of) + concerter (to bring together),
'concertare' came from:
com (with) + certare (to contend, strive)
in (on) + citare (to move, to excite)
therefore, 'to put into rapid motion, encourage, stimulate.'
now that is a bit more positive. haha.
you may wonder why is monkey soggy with such words? well. im not a teeenager anymore. i have no rooted place. im always passing by one place to another, never staying in a place longer than three months maximum. i am a musician without an instrument of my own. i am the master of none yet bounded by none. free and yet somehow often wishes that i was tightly weaved with a physical state of being- a place, a role, a relation, whatever it may be. but this wunderlust vagabond thing always gets in the way. at several points, i thought i have found the anchor of this ship. a port! finally. and then after awhile, the ship itself yearns for the sea. so heads out the little dinky boat, with a hopeful promise of departed ships- of the past and lot more to come.
i am not worried about my playing tomorrow in a weird sense that the best time to practice was about two weeks ago. it really isnt going to be much better now or get much worse. unless i sabotage self somehow. and i have no interest in misrepresenting self or wasting an opportunity. but it's also a monkey's paw isnt it. what i wish may come, but just with a slight different expression or outcome. however it goes, it will go.
i am merely wondering. about what is to come. whatever come would be fine, as there are very little one could do to turn the wave of things. i am responsible for my actions, yes, but i do also realize that my actions are only part of a larger equation, that incorporates millions of other decisions, made by countless people, which manifests in a very particular manner at a given time point.
sometimes i am able to bask in the ebbs and tides of the worlds unknown, gently stroked by the in and out of the larger things. and as necessary opposite, sometimes i cannot break the tension. and today, i am heading to basket, with mind at slightly unease, however grateful. let the time and event pass. i have been fortunate to be able to become 'i' at this point. it's not for my own self- the collective lives of all made it a present, not a mere hope. i am no longer in control of this particular event. my time and place have been set since the fall 2009. i have chosen to take the audition for whatever the reasons may be, but the reasons themselves do not really matter as far as the results are concerned. initiation is necessary but completion often leads oneself into a surprising new place. or a familiar predicament. where would i go? i will go where im asked to go i suppose.
hopefully with bit of agility to balance self once again in the moving wave, but without tenacity death grip stemming from self-desire, i will be able to reflect in a short while. after the audition we are heading off to see crosby beach. i have not seen the sea in last four-five years, if i am remembering correctly. i think it will make a stunning impact. as im soft and malleable once again. soggy.
a small boat off the shore once again. see you everyone soon. pray for the good wind to pick me up and send me to a wonderland. i wont sink in despair. i have received too much love to sink. will write upon arrival. or during course. roger.