where to?

it's been awhile since i wrote anything on this space. it's probably because i had no space in my head to begin with, no room to really let things permeate and grow. the verdicts from the dementors were in last week as i have visited the school during the preview day, where you go and do the meet-and-greet kind of things. during lunch we were served some lunch and the most interesting thing of the day was this very peculiar white fried thing. i still cant tell whether it was supposed to be:
a. chicken fingers
b. fish finger
c. fried cheese

it is not a good situation!

i have made the 'cut' however i didnt really make the cut as i simply do not have 15,000 pounds for the tuition alone. there's always this difficulty as an international student. i understand the idea that the local or domestic students have already contributed through their heritage- their parents, grandparents and such, through the tax system that made the institution and the history/culture of a place a possibility. however, to slam that amount of money on a foreign student makes it very difficult for me, a foreign student, to consider the school.

it is an interesting situation, this credit burst. everywhere in the world, the educational institutions and trusts are suffering from this 'low' interests. as some benefits from having low prime rate, especially for the home buyers and long-term borrowers and such, there is absolutely no money left for any charity of scholarship as the usual policy of the trusts only involves the interests accumulated from the capital itself. it's like having your tax lowered then being shocked when the general governmental services are reduced!

it is not very often that i had to actually organize and apply an abstract goal into a plan and execute. and then it is even more rare that such plan does fail. the objective in this case was trying to find a foothold in europe, in england, by enrolling into a musical institution for a year diploma program and hopefully find a public funding to make it happen- or entry scholarship, etc. and as last week, it seems that it's near impossible.

im reaching for the star. and i have fallen off the ladder. it is not entirely bad. who knows? i may have reached the star and realized that it's burning at thousands celsius and die with terrible burn. seriously.

now what is left? i have no idea. i am to head back to toronto in march regardless of what would have happened here, so that's all nice and fine. i will have work and i will be where i am comfortable and familiar. i am still filling out forms and contacting people, trying to see what may be a possible tangent option now, but let's be realistic, it's a real long shot *the hope part that is, from where i am at this point.

but then i wasnt really applying to school because i wanted the education was i- i was applying because i wanted to be able to live and work, to find a tangible way to eventually qualify for a work visa in EU. so going to school seemed rather convenient way to do it. except. it did not work out so far and it seems that it wont happen, not this time. so back to the drawing board. but perhaps it is only fair, serendipitously, as i believe whoever had qualify for the little gold that is left in the school, may really wanted and needed the education. for what it stands for, not for what it will allow you to do- as i was hoping.

so it's been much time in solitude, trying to let things settle in my brain, letting thing to sink down so that i may be able to see more clearly once again, where i need to be and where i am headed. everyone has been telling me that things will work out as it should. may be they are right. but what does that mean? what if i dont like the end result? what if i wanted things to be different? should i be struggling? would i be better off to be stubborn and be 'focused' on my personal goals and take an enormous loan to go to school? ( will never do this anyways, no worries) school is school, i wasnt even really interested in the schooling itself but of its context- meeting people and working, get to be in a new place with friends, etc etc., and i couldve brought something to the new surrounding (whether good or bad, doesnt really matter) but if i were always letting the wave take me where it wants to, am i being a coward? a lazy bum? futile fatalist? a fool? i have no clue.

so here i am, once again, in a flux. interestingly enough, last year this time, i was also in a flux, going from non-musician to becoming a musician once again. as much as i like to say that i like challenges, when there are too many of open options, ie. nothing is finalized, it also becomes incredibly stressful at times. im only a monkey. i am happy being at the piano fiddling something, that's just how it is. sometimes i am not so quaint or philosophical. i want to be simple and i am only simple.

days are full of things such as long bath, optional practices (whatever i want! horray), propositions of chamber music, a few moments with friends (tonight it was steak and kidney suet pudding. it is very english and since i dont dig kidney i did fish and chips. i. love. chips.), occasional musical musings and outings to manchester (including futile trip once to catch avatar, only to find out it sold out while we were in line, and a big huge loud noisy concert of mahler 1. look, it's been awhile ive been to a 'loud' concert. and it was literally LOUD), time to cook real food for people around me, being warm, once in awhile, a roam around the wet english country. it is beautiful dont get me wrong.

at the same time, i cant help but to wonder:
now what?
where do i go?
the departed ship is now lost. i hope that wonky wobbly shit of a compass is working, to find my next harbour. a ship will always find a harbour, as long as it is afloat and it is moving. courage, monkey. and courage and big heart to everyone. much love. sorry ive been quiet. i know a few have been worried. but really, sometimes no news is.. well, no news. but you are all very dear to me, and that is TRUE.

1 comment:

  1. "Le Destin pour l'Homme est comme un Souffle qui emporte le voilier.
    Tentative veine d'en décider la direction ou même la force,
    il ne reste pour lui qu'à orienter convenablement sa propre voile.
    Et cela fait une sacrée différence:
    Le même souffle qui fera périr un marin inexpérimenté, ou imprudent, ou mal inspiré, ramènera un autre à bon port." Amin Maalouf.

    Puisses tu accoster sur les rives que tu convoites.
    Je te le souhaite.