5.3.10

180' x 2 = 360'

(lac leman/lake geneva: last wk sometime)

in terms of musing in public by form of writing, the month of february was a lean one. beginning of march have gone without a sound and here i am, back@yyz, fourth of march, in year twenty-ten. it has been very busy, for an unemployed bum monkey! every time i crossed some border, there was always this look of incomprehension - amusement: 'what do you mean, you are just travelling and nothing working? are you sure you have not been paid for playing?' (what playing? just because i said i have studied music in school?)

it is a difficult to explain it to paper pushers i suppose. or even my own self. the answers dont fit neatly into the little divided squares of official forms and the concept that im just floating around is received with a bit of apprehension, if not a hard stare. i say i have studied music (true), but have not been paid of it (no, not at the moment), nor have been playing (not much). it is so weird to think that about a year ago, i was in a much different place. i knew what my plans were (ie. head back to yyz to work at uni, then fall banff), unlike now. and being unplanned makes people nervous and anxious.

today was a long day, along with two sets of border controls and transfers. took me 5am european time start to 5pm yyz end: 19 hours of crying babies, drunk men at the back, old lady who doesnt want to sleep. the epic journey went as this:

geneva town - airport: easy, though streets are still dark
geneva airport - gatwick: mad easyjet check - in
casualty: toes (ran over by fat man)

gatwick north terminal - south: inquisition by borderguard
casualty: toes (stepped over by fat ladies)

gatwick - glasgow : lady who never shuts up
casualty: sanity

glasgow - toronto: 3 babies in vincinity of 3 seats diameter
sitting in seat no. 5 in row of 9 seats
guy who got REALLY HAPPY for apparent reasons
(duty free liquors anyone?)
casualty: petrification and hearing loss

toronto airport: guard who doesnt want to believe i have nothing to declare; sent to secondary custom inspection
explain im inbetween things and therefore: have nothing to buy from duty-free (also time was tight anyways)
casualty: financial pride

airport - home: TTC madness with rush hour traffic
casualty: last bit of humanity

but now am here again. on top of a small branch in this big concrete tree. monkey's looking down onto the world, saying hello to a best buddy, who is always there, wondering now what. it cant never always be what you want, but i cant help but to feel that i just came back in a full circle, and am lost again. sure i have things to do for a while, but then what? what about the feelings, people, places that are yet faraway again? what with these sense of great big holes in my emotions? that feeling that the world just does not like you (couple things that i need to take care of that may be really annoyingly difficult to fix while i was away, people who turn against you for no reason etc) i feel little nips of sharp fangs on my consciousness with these questions. perhaps there is no answer, now or later. may be it's time i just take whatever life throws to me and be a predictable adult of some sort. i donno.

total distance travelled does not always equal total displacement for the given duration and am now left to pick up the bits again, same bits along with new bits, as the time never waits or cares for no one. so i go. hello strange 'home.' though it seems battered, my sail needs to be up and it needs to move. but may be there would be a time, when i could move like the catamarans- impressive graceful structures within both the stillness (the boat itself) and the stream of time, in lac leman in geneva- which, still, moves inch by inch, theoretically.

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