29.4.10

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i am here in kelowna and i am leaving tomorrow.

i came to pick my brother up and i will just do that. awesome.  it is a task that i would have never wanted to let anyone else do it. i have no idea why. nevertheless, here i am. am very lucky.  i just wish we can catch the direct flight. fingers crossed. damn.

weather forecast says that saturday may rain. that would not be so nice. but it is only 30%.  so even if they were right, it may not rain after all. please hold it till the evening brooding clouds!

time has gone fast.  one of my childhood acquittance, fr. john will perform the mass for gabe. ha. i bet neither (or anyone) really saw that one coming.  well, i didnt, for sure.  i am glad that someone who knew him will be leading the service.

i am eating all kinds of junk food.  not because i dont have enough time, but because i want to.  decadent in times of suffering?

i think much work are to be done from this point, including amending an old 'lack of' relation with some people.  i wish i was better at being compassionate.  right now i feel as if im some kind of thing from children's illustration- all brain and teeth. many. ooh. and hands holding phones. im answering phones!

you are all supposed to be surprised.

the boy who fed with fire is done feeding the pyre.  i find it ironically beautiful for some bizarre reason.  fire is magical, capable of making so many miraculous phenomenons possible!  am very glad that the pyre will clean off any flesh wounds, hurts, scars from my wee little brother.  the dandy will be clean and fresh again. yay.

i wonder if what i feel is really how i am feeling- too even and static perhaps?  am i supposed to collapse in tears?  i find that more likely i will be: teeth-clinching, red-eyed-from-anger, fingernail-digging-on-flesh, locked up jaws.

ooh what an angry picture eh.

i feel like the little kid who plugged the hole of the big dam with a pinky. watch out. it's going to roll.  amazing. scary. a bit sad. wondrous. dreading. but mostly, the dam is full of love and a bit of yearn.

i have loved you to bits,
wee little brother of mine.
and i am not done.
yet.
for a long time.
im going to hold you,
which i never did once we grew up,
except for the times i returned home from afar,
because you came from a long journey,
almost 400 miles in a day,
and you are off to even longer journey,
but i will hold you, from here,
and i wont nag.
i never really nagged.
i was saying i love you.
it's just that i am rubbish at saying it normally.
but why would i say it normally to you?
you knew i was off the kilter. ha.

you do know i hope?
(big grin)

1 comment:

  1. we caught the direct flight and came home this eve. it is a long laul but it isnt finished, as life continues through many different branches and roots, which one cannot see all at once.

    thank you all for your kind words. i will return the replies as soon as i could. i am very touched and gabe wouldve been smug with all these attention. funny kid.

    thanks,
    c

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