got my messages?

wickannish inn@ tofino, van island. gabe was here for interview.

Going home, going home
I'm just going home
Quiet light, some still day
I'm just going home

It's not far, just close by
Through an open door
Work all done, care laid by
Going to fear no more

Mother's there expecting me
Father's waiting, too
Lots of folk gathered there
All the friends I knew

All the friends I knew

I'm going home

Nothing's lost, all's gain
No more fret nor pain
No more stumbling on the way
No more longing for the day
Going to roam no more

Morning star lights the way
Restless dream all done
Shadows gone, break of day
Real life begun

There's no break, there's no end
Just a living on
Wide awake with a smile
Going on and on

Going home, going home
I'm just going home
It's not far, just close by
Through an open door
I am going home
I'm just going home
(a version of 'going home,' dvorak symphony 9, largo)

the boy and me, and our other bro returned to toronto today. it was a real 007 operation.  meet at airport. check in within 5 min. a scuffle with the  security guard ('you be careful with that please, for god's sake!'). internet hello from fish to gabe. upward we went. down we came. meet dad at airport. came home. slew of things to do and such.

and all i can really say at this point, at 2:27 am is that i have 9:30 am meeting and i will be there, hence im still not going to sleep much. again. gah.

there are many emails and messages i want to answer but there just isnt enough time right now.  i want to also comfort people and be nice to them but there are no room in my mind.  i feel often mad angry. red eyed monkey, bare teeth. ooeer.

i feel as if i should go punch a wall or something. but that will be of no use.

mom/dad took the boy to their bedroom for the night. he'll sleep there like a little baby he was.  granny's eyes are rimmed red from tears.  my other bro is worn out i am sure.  and i am okay.  i have so many thoughts, prayers, loves sent to me from so many friends.  gabe wouldve been smug to have so many people being interested and wishing his well-being.

i wrote wrote and wrote more when i was in kelowna.  i even wrote during the five minutes i had with him in the viewing room at the hospital.  did you know that viewing room in kelowna has no real name? it's just called room 100.  there, i said good bye and whole slew of other things.  from mom. from friends. from me.  did i cry? no. im not shedding tears at the moment. may be i wont have to.  im trying not to.  with gabe, it was never tears. always jokes and foolery, perhaps exasperation.

brother brother brother

that's all i think of right now.

if such thoughts could bring a person back, it would have. but alas, it wont happen.  i am to prepare for eulogy of him for saturday. a big chunk.  in double languages.

but as i carried him all the way from kelowna on my lap (i lied and put my jacket around him while takeoff/landing so that i can hold him and not put him on the floor.  i played a fat man), i of course feel that i need to do the eurology.  it is my little wee brother.

apparently you arent supposed to say a deceased is 'heavy' while carrying the ashes, says granny. old korean wives tale.  i think it may be a bit far-fetched. but nevertheless, he was not so heavy at all. just enough to be weighty on my lap.  like a bunny.

oh gabe. how am i going to get through next couple days?  it is a problem when one has been such a charmer.  your friends are all teary.  mom and dad granny are all pink. your older brother was mourning.  me-

i love you. that's all i can say.
i love you wee little brother.
as i held you during the flight.
as i am mad bonkers in love with you.

i wont let you go in my mind.
not yet. not now. not later.
not until you are going to buy me some fancy drinks.
and give me a sly look.
about things that are just too funny to explain.

it feels as if someone is pushing ice cold needles, like the ones at the dentist, through my rib cage.  this hurt.

did it hurt when your car crashed?
they said it woudlve been instant.
it better be. please dont hurt.
though we lectured one another constantly
i know i wouldve done anything for you
except buying you fags and lending money (ha ha)
as you wouldve done anything for me.

please wake up and call me.
i left you messages on your phone.
i know it's dumb. i have your phone.
you would so laugh that i have no idea how to operate your fancy phone.
if you check your messages, you would know that i was en route to get you.
to bring you home.
check your messages.
and do get back to me.
i love you.

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