awaiting flower full moon of 2010

time has flew by and by the time i looked at the calendar today, it has been a month since gabe died.  i wonder what he was doing this time about a month ago? finishing things in tofino and starting pack up to head to kelowna, yes. that would be it.  i wonder if he knew that it would have been his last journey that he would carry on his own?  i say that specifically because in my opinion, his journeys continued on even though he lost control of the car- to a surprising conclusion. then another journey from the scene to the morgue. morgue to the crematorium. then a ride back home, in a silver projectile, as i carried him in a little neat box.  to the church for a farewell, then to the cool ground.  and would that be all? i disagree. i will certainly be carrying a part of him to uk when i head off in couple days.  what part? how much? i have no idea. but i can tell you that he will be permeating through my thoughts, as he does now.

i am somewhat reluctant to call my mother and say hello.  my parents, unfortunately, with granny, are having a very rough time dealing with it.  in conjunction to crazy schedule (which actually may be helping i think), they have not seen death as often as i tried to.  The riches of human thoughts- arts, literature, thoughts, daydreams;  being a musician or just simply a part time freelancer certainly gives me enough mental room to play around with such frivolities, thank the lord.  and yes. it has been such a silver lining for me to re-appreciate certain beauties of life, that transcends the very limitation of life and death.

the fact that gabe lived at home makes it a bit harder.  i tried to clean up his room as much as i could. and it's almost done. i still have to somehow open that suitcase and let my parents take the last dirty laundry load to the shop to get it cleaned.  i havent done it yet not because it is difficult thing to do, but am not so sure how mom would take it.  perhaps im fussing way to much.  there is nothing that would actually change from such thoughts.  in a perspective, i think it's worth every bit to accept things as is- though at times it may seem unreal.

nonetheless, they are trying to deal with it, and as mr. minnow have suggested, at least they have one another.  mom has dad. dad has mom. granny has mom and dad.  so though unfortunately there is not much someone else could do in aiding their grieving process, i think they will pull through. and they surely will, at some point. that some point- i wish it would be closer than far.  i know that both of them are deeply shaken every time someone asks how they are (as their regular customers at the shop and the korean community people have been told of gabe's death) and though i am desperately hoping that they are finding it easier to answer back each time, somehow i do not think 'now' is the time.

it is really funny. ive been trying my very best to get my own stuff done along the last month.  okay, so i had to pick up after the little bro (which is not the first time anyways so who really cares eh), but i havent really dropped anything yet.  i occasionally lost control of my emotions but so far, luckily, there have been no real damage.  the two recitals i played for- i wish i had a better mental capacity, as i could not play at the optimal level.  but kindly, people understood and made room for my failings, though they have every rights to demand better of me. but thankfully, work and the general stuff have been okay. even the crazy killer cold (or infection whichever it is) is going away for good (i hope) i think.  and i will have two visitors, dear friends from nebraska days, later this week.  i am making mental list to get ready to pack for a month in europe. i am trying to line some work for july and rest of the summer etc.

and somehow, in midst of concentrating on my own work (defense mechanism?) i realize that gabe have been always with me. more importantly, i find countless gesture of other individuals who reached out to me, purely offering whatever one could- which i have accepted with grace (i tried anyways), but i am sure there are some gestures i have not thanked properly yet. i am sorry- it certainly isnt my intention!

i am just getting around to start the thank you card process. i think it will certainly kill me as it makes no sense for me to write a generic one.  writing one genuine thank you card is hard.  but simultaneously, it is very happy occasion, to write so many thank you cards at once.  if i am being late, please do forgive. i am making my very best efforts to get on with it.  and even when you dont receive something hard copy, please do consider that i am in debt of others' kindness and generosity on daily basis.  because one cannot live alone, simple, isnt it.  best wishes and warmest thoughts from jungle-weather yyz to all of you.  please be well and happy.  if sad, do enjoy the sadness to its extreme, as one needs to understand the concept of valley in order to see the grandeur of the mountain peaks.

it is nearly a full moon.  the full moon of may is called flower full moon by the native americans.  it is also called corn-planting moon or the milk moon. on thursday 27 may 2010, the moon will be full again.  the time of lifted veil- between life and death.  according to the alchemist tradition, it is the moon of the water sign.  i am not superstitious.  but i think in all things that i may not understand fully, there may be a slice of truth, if not pure beauty.  and full moon is the midpoint of a moon cycle. the very top.  a cusp point.  i look out to my window and i see it bright and clear above all the jazz of downtown lights and noise.  the air is full of fragrances and invisible flowers, even more seductive when one can no longer see them.  like the spring scent in the air, weaved in so deeply with the still air of quiet evening, i am just putting another small weave into the air. a small one called thankfulness. of my brother. of hope. healing. of time.