6.5.10

thank you






















*this was a beautiful speckle of compassion that landed on empty monkey hands during the trials of last (and this) week.  courtesy of beautiful silvery fish. thank you. you are amazing.

dear all,

it's been a  quite a long journey, the stretch of a week seems as long as- or even weirder, short as a flash.  the news, flight, phone calls, identification, cremation, funeral, now tidying after.  did i really go through so many people and did so many things? it seems inconceivable at times. however, i did identify him, just a bit hurt than usual, and once i picked him up from the airport, i did not let him out of my lap until the time i let granny hold him at home, finally.  during the service, i walked with him and i have carried him out and laid him in fresh ground, wet with a light rain and mixed sunshine.

and i am getting to know this wee kid in a very funny sense.  for instance, so far, i have discovered total of 23 lighters in his room. i think it's hilarious in a sense. you see, all the smokers i know never can find the light whenever one really needs it.  it is funny to think that he could have used a different lighter for every single fag in the pack and have three extras hanging around. except if you were smoking marlboro. they pack 25 per.

well, there are more silly things, such as a personal bowling ball (cant believe he's got his own), slew of fantasy nobles, etc etc.  he makes me laugh. and i am hoping that he'll make me laugh for the days to come.

i really want to get on to writing thank you letters but i am running out of time on daily basis. yesterday was my first musical rehearsal back from last week's journey. it was a tad bit difficult than usual (as i havent really paid attention to the identity of me as musician- shame).  however, i have to say that i was so happy to get back to playing. a piece of- urr life before all these events.

i am not denying the events. i am quite happy that i was here. i was happy to take my brother home. carry him as best as i could.  it was a nice chance given to my life, to be with my brother, with my family, with all my friends.  i know that i have great families all over the world. not just from here, but also from england. from banff. from nebraska. and now even more- as i met some of my bro's little friends- who werent so little anymore, but as young adults, standing tall and proud.

there will be days when i realize he is no longer alive, it would hurt.  i have tasted my first anger yesterday. it was larger than i have expected. and it came out from nowhere, into a completely unrelated scene.  i, silly enough, lost myself (i am very sorry dear silvery minnow) and was deeply surprised and embarrassed for my own actions.  it seemed almost impossible even to myself that i was able to get all those things done- the processes, travels, consoling and even the funeral, and then be suckerpunched when least expected.  i am hoping that i will have a greater compassion, for others, and also for myself, for i dont ever want to act in such way.

the times i was teary were in kelowna.  after talking to my father about how to bring the wee bro home.  i couldnt leave him all broken up any longer than i had to.  he was a dandy. he needs to look clean and neat.  so we agreed. gabe came back home in a smart black box. neat and tidy. that's him, not big but looking smart, hahaha.  and after the small service at the hospital, right before the service man came and took him.  i wonder if i will shed more tears. i dont think it's necessary.  but necessity and actual reality may not go together.  well if it comes to that. i think it will be okay.

thank you so much everyone for your words and supports.   there are no words that are sufficient to express such feelings, as you have expressed to me as there are no words to tell me the feelings youve had for me.  i miss all my families and i am hoping that you all know that though i am way behind schedule and being short for time for now, that you are all in my thoughts.  as i was in your thoughts. as my bro and i were in your thoughts.

love to you all and i hope to tell you more silly things in life.  but sometimes serious things are also necessary.  such as this post. there's nothing more real than feeling of compassion. of humanity.

ps. am still sorry mr silvery minnow.

2 comments:

  1. have to tell you another reason i follow your story, besides loving you - few pets when i was little, but the longest lived was a gorgeous yellow canary named Gabriel - always a special name to me - saying prayers for your forgiveness from the minnow - sooz

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  2. May the peace be with you, sis.
    Don't know what else to say.. T^T

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