sorry, then what?
the world is a funny place in general. with all the different people and their views. the influences and consequent confluences weaving in and out. the only constant may be that nothing ever stays the same. and more passionate or emotional one is related to the context of self, the feedbacks of the external world can be quite shocking, literally. often i think it would be very helpful for me to learn how to be oblivious to certain situations/phenomenons of life, as i understand that what i may/may not prefer is a personal opinion, that i can only see so far as i could, that what i believe is rightly acceptable/not is likely to be subjective.
but one cannot help at times and i wish i could make my point with baseball bats at times. that would be highly illegal. and would be even more embarrassing IF i was wrong (as i am frequently changing my opinion on things all the time!) so it may as well be that i cannot go around bash people's kneecaps. did i ever tell you about the theory of stupidity police? basically, on the first sight of dumbness, you get to choose which kneecap you would like to blow. ouch. then the second sight, well, i suppose it would be the other one. hopefully, hobbling, at this point you would have understood the grievance of one's action in the world and therefore have came up with some sort of strategies to survive without incurring further damage. and the third time- well, i am afraid it would be the a-la-brooklyn, good bye world! ha ha.
anyhows. what got monkey in a knot this time? well, nothing spectacular really. i was thinking about the things that gets on my nerve the other day, while watching some spectacularly entertaining daytime tv on my treadmill (i still cannot get the courage to run outside as the humidity in the city have been... gross. the weather forecast in toronto should never be described as 'mist.' 98% humidity? gag). running on treadmill is a tricky business because often you could really fall off by not paying attention to how your body is aligned with the moving track (as i frequently almost do), so in my humble opinion, watching the tele helps quite a bit (as you lock into a point of visual focus, your body will balance itself and you will be in a steady position) in avoiding an un/fortunate breakage of body parts such as head (though i often wonder if i do crack my skull, would one find any presence of grey matter... i think it have ran away effectively in my childhood... sigh.)
so the daytime tele. i often flip between the non-fictional (documentaries, pbs, shark weeks, ahaha) and what should be fictional (what is it called? the real housewives of ____? hilarious really.) and that's my dosage of schadenfreuden i suppose. i understand that these people do exist and though there really isnt any proof that i would be any better than they are (not everyone has same standard and priority in the world), i have to be honest in saying that i often smugly superior, laughing at their so-called-disasters of missing-shoes or neighbourhood political mishaps. it's quite low. though why shouldnt i peek at it? if i only stick to the things i am naturally inclined to, i would never learn anything else (a very weak defense on my side for that impeccably delicious dosage of schadenfreuden)
anyhows, so while laughing at the 'reality' shows and getting incredibly angry at the news reports most of the time (though the news of the american millionaires' donations did make my day) i started to think about one sore point that i am not able to reconcile in my head: what to do when someone says 'sorry?'
weird, isnt it. we were all taught as little children (or i hope, at least) (there's even more hope as old dogs can still learn new tricks, i am told- call me a skeptic.) to say things such as please and thank you. and most importantly, sorry. sorry covered many situations- often irreversible. such as broken television (sorry dad, i was trying to see what was in there, i was going to put it back), lost things (sorry mom, i will try not to lose another lunch sac), and most frequently, to emotional hurt that one inflicted (sorry bro, didnt mean to call you stupid). and as we grow up and take more actions within the world, the more frequent it becomes and unfortunately it loses its meaning. abused and faded. step on someone's toe in the tube and you (like me) are bound to mumble with your earphones still stuck in your head, 'sorry,' though you are really thinking (if you are like me): 1. why is the damned subway so crowded? 2. couldnt he/she see that people are getting into the train? 3. i hope he/she is legally blind and retarded, as he/she has no regards to other people, etc etc.
not very nice, ya? well, i cant be the only one who thinks that.
and i do try to not to do it all the time.
and often i am genuinely sorry.
but the funny thing is saying sorry really does not solve the problem one have incurred. i was thinking of a certain situation where i had a particular person upset with me for no apparently sane reason. for a bloody long time too. then there was really no real apology. i think it was assumed that the change of behavior towards me was to express their apology (or whatever it may be), that i am to be sensitive enough to understand that this person is willing to reconcile, that i am now to treat the situation as if nothing have happened. hmmm. silly enough, this is not a rarity. it does happen on daily basis i am sure. im only aware of faction of them, tip of the ice berg, as the world also have taught us the rigid and demanding rule of etiquette. and self-control (i understand this, but am not able to execute it very well, sigh). and i am often on the 'unreasonable' side, incurring emotional damage to others, i am sure. probably just as often as i think i have been wronged.
well, in this particular situation, it really wasnt anything i have done personally, but of how my action have impacted another person's understanding of the world. it was something that needed/was going to happen (now im beating around the bush and it's sounding really dumb), but because the person had to deal with the consequence of my action, though indirectly, have created a major upset. i was blocked out, angered upon, and had to witness what i considered unfair treatment of people around me on top of it. and after awhile, just like the point of upset, point of absolution (of sort) have arrived and i was treated with a 180' difference. congenial. nice. with implication of apology, a hint of sorry. but with the claim of personal difficulties and emotional turmoil, it was never said. that's fine, i dont need to hear it, really. what got to me is the fact that just because one is sorry, the other is to graciously accept (as much as one could), and be accommodating to the new situation. and this model does happen often enough. all the time.
but being sorry never helps, in the weirdest context. intentions of actions are often not good enough. one meant well. one fucked up. well, one may be sorry, but that's often not enough. BP with the recent oil spill, i am sure the company is sorry (for various reasons for various people), but them being sorry wont solve the oil spillage. my heralding example used to be hitler. i am sure he had all the good intention (albeit crazy and racist) in his opinion, and he did everything he could to carry out that 'good' intention, but the outcome was... well, disastrous. and even if he were to say 'sorry,' that wont cut it, would it? a driver who ran over someone is most likely to be sorry (if later), but that does not undo one's action does it? i am sure gabe is sorry (mostly for himself) that he crashed the car and died, hence causing all kinds of pains, further than he could ever seen. but well, he's still gone. will always be. but we were all told as a child that we should apologize (though the post-steps were never so clear). so often we take the easy way out and blurp 'sorry,' verbally or non-verbally. doesnt matter. i said i am sorry, what more do you want?
there is no solution to completely undo the conflict/problem, i understand. the more one grips onto the idea of 'being wronged,' more miserable it becomes. often it's with the things that the hurter didnt even realize (or may not ever realize) that hurtee chews through life. brutal but true. which point there are no real solution to the problem itself, but only for the hurtee's self: 1. forget it, 2. forgive it. forgetting it would be easier. letting things go would be even more efficient as one can train to not care about certain things (as of: observe, understand and make it impersonal. but it's not the same as being oblivious) and accept the situation as is. but in case neither option is avail, then... the sooner hurtee forgives or forget the situation, the better life becomes for the hurtee. sorry does more for the hurter i think (some sense of absolution, forgiveness, even reconciliation)- one took an action and acknowledged, ' i did as much as i can!'
often all these situations are created by lack of awareness. what is the problem? is it really a problem? is your problem have a solution? what actions can you take? what consequences can you see? what if there are consequences you never considered? what can you do and what will you do? all very tricky and unfortunately, even with all those questions, the situations will always arise once again. like driving on the public road, often it's not driver A's fault, but of B, but guess what- both A and B are involved in the accident.
i understand it's impossible to live by oneself therefore it'll be more efficient if i learn to deal with the external world rather than me trying to enforce the internal to the external world. but often, much like my yearning for trashy tv, i cant help but be upset. but monkey needs to remember that there are also actions that creates more good than initially intended. like the american millionaires who donated large chunks this week. i wasnt involved personally, but upon such news, one cannot help but feel hopeful. hope is a dangerous word, as it then enables all sorts of actions and intentions.
so i may as well leave this depressing musing (hopefully amusing) and go on with the day and try to absorb as much joy as i can. because the world essentially is a nice place for me with lots of people i love and care for, though i dont express it enough. i will keep trying and be well!! and do check out the nytimes link. i bet it will make you feel better as well.