toffee and national security

at canadian customs on way back to yyz:

officer: good afternoon, miss-
monkey: good afternoon, here's my passport and forms.
o: (glance forms) where do you live?
m: here in toronto, downtown by eaton centre.
o: (scribbling) and where are you coming from?
m: a small village called chinley in the peak district.
o: (looks baffled) and that's where exactly-
m: about 45min drive from manchester, uk.
o: (comprehension) aha okay. what were you doing?
m: i was visiting my partner.
o: (small-talkish) and how long has been there for?
m: he was born and raised there.
o: (raise eyebrow) oh? what does he do?
m: he plays for bbc phil.
o: (raise another eyebrow) and you?
m: well, i live here, for now, if you let me in?
o: (calmly) and what do you do?
m: i work at utoronto, at music faculty-
o: (baffled) so he lives there and you are here?
m: yes, that would be correct-
o: (pause) HOW DOES THAT WORK?
m: well, it's working no?!?
o: (surprised) why isnt he moving here?
m: we can go eitherway, as long as i get my citizenship ppr!
o: (genuine warmth) well, welcome back, ms lee,
and bring your love  here for you, we'll find him something,
m: hahaha, thanks.
o: (back to official) any gifts? duty-related things? you say- of 100 CAD value?
m: just carton of fags.
o: (scribble) that's all of 100?
m: i have no idea how much a carton costs- so it seemed okay?
o: (mischievous) and nothing from your partner?
m: i have- toffees! 24 blocks of them!
o: (lost)toffees?
m: that's 2.4kg of toffee!
o: wha- (amused greatly)
m: i may lose pretty things but i can always eat toffee!
o: (genuine) are they good?
m: ones with brazilian nuts are particularly good.
o: (smiling) i suppose brush your teeth, and welcome home.
m: thanks sir. good afternoon to you.
o: (scribble 'candies' on form, hands back to monkey)

how does it work? well, it does work.
even when 25% of my check-in luggage was toffee.
by weight.

while others were losing patience at our conversation, it was for canadian national security. important things in life, sometimes. as long as it works. what a grave matter!  :)


  1. These things are important! Upon such matters hang the fortunes of the great. (British toffee exports have soared this month, helping to balance the budget deficit greatly)

  2. I am heartened to hear about such a nice-sounding HUMAN working in such a position - too often they are so curt/rude. Thank goodness you got a good one. :)