3.2.11

...'cause the circus left town


it's lunar new year.  another circle around the sun, carefully counted by the quiet moon.  though in my year in banff, i have learned that moon, when she wants to, can speak clearly and brightly, changing the entire world by turning it into millions of shades in monochrome.  and in yyz, the last day of last year was full of snow, where the wind carried them upward, against the fall of gravity- snow wasnt falling. it was blowing. flying. anything but settling.

i called briefly to wish my family a happy new year. in midst of the daily grind, we spoke briefly, wishing the best,  using only plain words, nothing extravagant or elaborate.  perhaps all we wanted to say is that (i) love (you).  

it's quite unsettling time for many different things.  but then since i have finished my last degree, things havent been settled really, so it's really not a surprise.  rather than growing a root in a place and nurturing all the little roots that grows out of myself, feet deep in the ground, what i have is- well, pieces of me, scattered all across the different path i have taken since then.  and i dont quite have all the pieces because some of them has been given to others, to keep. and some of them, i will never get them back.  like the pieces gabe took.

koreans, like chinese, usually give out good-luck money along with handful of useful advises to children, every new year's.  gabe used to DEMAND this money from me and though i am clearly not his life-giver (though i wanted to be life-threatener at given moments), i would give it to him.  sometimes in form of fags. hahaha.

little man is not here anymore.  every new year's, when people talk of family and friends, he may grow paler ever so slightly.  as he's going to stay in his last point in his life, on the side of the road, alone, in foggy night in kelowna, british columbia.  as he's no longer going to age with us, he'll always be twenty-eight.  

when there arent enough words to say what i want to say, often i turn to music. today, i turn and cling to mr. clapton, one of the songs he wrote when he lost his little man.  today's a new moon night.  the opposite of full moon.  unlike the nights that she burnt bright in the shadows of trees and rocks, tonight, she's remembered in darkness, illuminated with man-made lights.  gabe used to be such a fun/annoyance.  but we all knew where he was- either by being infuriated or missing him.

"...and it's sad, so sad, there ain't no easy way round,
and it's sad, so sad, all your friends gather round,
'cause the circus left town..."

tonight, i am curling up in my bed with blue wee rabbit, thinking about my brother. and how i miss him. and how i miss the people i love.  fortunately, i can be in touch with most of them so easily- flip of a phone, a click of a mouse, a ride on the subway. except gabe.  

it's sad. so sad.

*lyric to 'circus left town,' eric clapton:
Little man with his eyes on fire and his smile so bright.
In his hands are the toys you gave to fill his heart with delight.
And in the ring stands a circus clown holding up a light.
What you see and what you will hear will last you the rest of your life.

And it's sad, so sad, there ain't no easy way round,
And it's sad, so sad, all you friends gather round,
'Cause the circus left town.

Little man with his heart so pure and his love so fine.
Stick with me and I'll ride with you till the end of the line.
Hold my hand and I'll walk with you through the darkest night.
When I smile I'll be thinking of you and everything will be all right.

*picture:
Muncie, Indiana, Empty Store With Circus Posters
margaret burke-white, april 1937
from times inc., online collection

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